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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or am I blowing everything out of proportion

103 replies

Witchesandwizards · 03/02/2018 21:57

I have just returned from and epic, 8 day work trip, the first trip away from DD8 and DS5.
By all accounts DH did an awesome job for the entire week (until last night which is my issue), but I did put clothes and kit in daily piles for each child as well as prepare meals for the entire week or instructions for any packed lunches/snack requirements. Pretty much parenting by numbers, although I know it’s not always that easy.
Last night it was a friend’s birthday and kids were included on an invite to a small party at their house. It started at 6pm and usually we would leave in time to get the kids in bed by 10pm. Late but it doesn’t happen often.
I arrived home this evening after 30 hours of travel and I was so excited to see everyone – I haven’t even had wifi so literally no contact for a week. DH suggested going out for dinner and I wasn’t that keen as I am shattered, but better than cooking. On the way out, I realised that the kids were behaving oddly and DH was evasive about what time they had gone to bed. DD was more willing to divulge that they left the party at about midnight and had a sleepover with a friend - bearing in mind the party was 10 mins walk away and the sleepover house half way in between that house and ours, this is nuts. DH also stayed. DD told me that DS woke her up early so, at a guess, they would have had a max 5 hours sleep. At the restaurant we had just started our food when DS completely lost it over something trivial. A complete meltdown. DH was in complete denial that it was anything to do with him, instead telling me that there had been no shouting all week and now I come home and it starts. The restaurant was packed and rather than cause a scene I just left my food and walked home.
I shouldn’t have done that, it’s not fair on the kids, but I’m so exhausted I would have probably got into an argument with him.
When they all get home he still denied that it is anything to do with last night, and then I find out that they haven’t cleaned their teeth for two days (impromptu sleepover and early sports club today) and that he took then to another friend’s house this afternoon so he could watch rugby, only arriving home 10 minutes before my cab. The kids they were visiting are fairly crazy and DS looks up to them as they are older.
When I said anything about the situation he accused me of attacking him - reacting aggressively to questions that I thought were perfectly normal given the behaviour I had witnessed since arriving home. The kids are so fragile that they were upset we are fighting and blamed me for it, encouraged by DH. I’m the bad one. As in, everything was ok when I was away and now it’s not….

I’m furious that he has done this, and don’t understand how he can be in denial. Of course it has to do with no frigging sleep, tennis this morning and running round like crazy things until 6pm tonight. He’s now gone to bed in DS’s room with him, and DS who is a proper mummy’s boy is giving me the cold shoulder. DD had hysterics at our arguing and is in my bed waiting for me while I’m downstairs wondering why I even came home and feeling terrible about upsetting the kids.

OP posts:

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 04/02/2018 08:07

Neither of you come out of this all that well. I probably wouldn't have done the sleepover either with an early sports club the next day, and it absolutely isn't on for him to encourage the children to take sides against you. Your OP does, however, make you sound like a dreadful control freak. Whose initiative were the readied piles of clothes and batch-cooked meals - yours or his? Did he ask you to do it, or did you think 'if I don't they'll be on beige freezer food all week'?

This said, not sure what's with the posters suggesting you 'be grateful' because if you don't get back in your box apologise he 'might make the next work trip difficult' or because 'many husbands WOULD mind'. I do really appreciate my dh looking after the dc when I'm away, but that works both ways. It's a difficult part of parenting that deserves appreciation, but a part of parenting it is. I suspect there's been some projecting going on here.

Crumbs1 · 04/02/2018 08:20

He was in charge and did it his way. It might be different to your way but he’s an equal parent with rights to choose how he parents. Tiredness all round was the causality but it’s not a huge deal.

Where on earth were you that had no mobile roaming and no internet? I can’t think of anywhere we’ve been where we haven’t been able to make contact -India, Sri Lanka, Middle East, Ester. Europe etc. Our children have made contact from every continent including African countries such as Malawi, Sierra Leone, Djibouti as well as South America, Antarctica, China etc. Eight days is a long time not to speak. Airports usually have WiFi so you could have called at least on the way home, no?

NataliaOsipova · 04/02/2018 08:23

I think if my dh came home after 8 days away working, and then criticised any aspect of how I had ran the home or looked after our children without his help, I'd bloody kill him.

I hate to say it, but I agree with this. It's not that he didn't look after them, he just didn't look after them in the way you thought he should have done. Which is a different point. It can be irritating, but if you're not there, then you have to abide by the judgement of the person who was.

catwoozle · 04/02/2018 08:37

It could have all been avoided by DH throwing pizza in the oven. Suggesting going out for dinner when the kids were tired and the OP had been travelling was ridiculous.

But also, no-one should have to prepare daily piles of clothes for the kids to wear while they are away. Why make it parenting by numbers? Just let him parent in his own way. If my DH was so controlling that he closely regulated how I ought to dress the children while he was away I'd tell him where to go in no uncertain terms.

When I went away when DDs were babies I left a list of feed times etc but that was fair enough- I was home all the time with them and he wasn't. By the time they were 5 and 8 years old I was definitely not leaving instructions, and certainly not putting out their clothes!

LavenderDoll · 04/02/2018 08:50

I think you are all tired and that can make even the most trivial of incidents seem major

I don't agree that he is better than most men for looking after his own children.. he's not doing the OP a favour he's looking after his children. And the men I know always put their children first. Isn't that what being a parent is all about? I hate the crap that gets spouted about how men are selfish, he's doing more than most would, men think about themselves etc

're the argument- yes it's not great- no kids are pleasant with lack of sleep - coming home was a massive deal for you as you have been away and missed them all. The expectations you had over the reunion weren't met and that is partly your DH fault so I can understand your disappointment.

Hoping today is better

Tinkerbec · 04/02/2018 08:55

yeah fucking right he did, as in he did everything that he wanted that suited him, his preference in parenting being not to bother much at all.

He really didn’t do anything wrong. Wow!

Unless he neglected them all week , didn’t feed them or they wore dirty clothes.

But oh no they had a late night! Drama!!!!
Some people do get on their high horse about this.
The teeth thing then yes but think that’s the worst thing and probably will do little harm as long as its not all of the time.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/02/2018 09:04

I think you are over reacting, because you are all tired and because he set you to fail and show him as the perfect father. He knew you would be tired, so he purposely had the children go to bed late, get up early the next day and have a busy day so they were overtired, over excited at seeing you so it all became on big unhappy/tired mess. Just so he could tell you how wonderful he is as a dad.

I also think that next time you go away do not micro manage you husband in connection to your children.

Do not arrange their clothes, do not cook meals in advance and other details for while you are away. Let him learn to cope with out you doing everything for him.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 04/02/2018 09:22

Not RTFT but it sounds like Mon-Fri everyone was organised and knew the routine. Come Friday night and Saturday your DH was at a loss, wanted some time off (don't we all) and it went to pieces. If kids have a routine it is best to try to stick to it.
My children would be awful if they were tired, had been dragged from party to sleepover to friends house, probably not eaten well and needed a wash, change of underwear and teeth cleaned.

Then you came home exhausted and everyone is tired. I wouldn't capitulate but it's best to move on.

Hope today is better.

Kitsharrington · 04/02/2018 09:31

Sorry but you sound like a control freak. If the way he parents winds you up so much get a job where you don’t have to travel.

lostmyfeckingkeysagain · 04/02/2018 09:33

Your DH was a bit short-sighted disrupting their routine with the late night/sleepover and the lack of toothbrushing would annoy me. But honestly OP, if my DH left me alone with the DC for 8 days then came back and started criticising how I'd looked after them before storming out of a restaurant in the middle of a family meal leaving me with a distressed child I'd absolutely fucking livid. I'd also be very hurt.

wombat1a · 04/02/2018 09:36

Lets see, Are the kids still alive? Tick, House not be burned down Tick, did they seem to have good time while you were away tick. Did they starve? No. Could you leave them alone again for a week knowing they will be okay (not perfect but okay)? Yes

Everything else seems pretty minor to me and not worth bothering arguing over.

Time to say sorry and thanks to DH I think.

geekone · 04/02/2018 09:57

Sorry but YANVU. My DH has just been away for 12 days if he came back and criticised me the way you did he would be out on his ear and my DS 8 would be able to figure out easily who was in the wrong a night at a party sounds fun.
Also for all of the he is useless as you left him food clothes and instructions my DH would be pissed off if I mollycoddled him like that unless he asked you to do that then you belittled his parenting befor you even left for your trip.
Anyway apologise and cut your DH some parenting slack.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 04/02/2018 10:21

I'd never prepare a week's worth of clothes and food if I was going away as I trust them to parent and they'd never do it either. We would both be furious if the other did it as it shows a lack of respect and trust as well as implying you are in charge

Marriedwithchildren5 · 04/02/2018 10:39

You sound so controlling. Deciding which clothes wear, food to eat on which day. You should have left him to it. Maybe your kids think you are being u??

Calm down. Make them be happy mum is home instead of going in and moaning about everything. It probably sucks to be you right now! Try and turn it around.

100YearsOfVote · 04/02/2018 10:43

Hope you all feel better after a couple of good nights sleep.

Next time you go away don't pre-prep everything. Leave him to do it all. He might then start to develop some respect for what you do.

gingergenius · 04/02/2018 10:47

What @Saltandsauce said.

And stop babying your husband. He's a grown up. I assume he can cook and sort clothes. Step back with the need to micro manage and relax a bit!

Worldsworstcook · 04/02/2018 11:19

&saltandsauce

Words of wisdom!! No one died, house still standing, kids tired but who cares! Teeth - two days? No biggie!

Next time come through the door, throw your arms out for hugs and send DH down the chippy. They really arent going to look forward to you returning home from future trips if they are on their guard.

UserX · 04/02/2018 12:07

Words of wisdom!! No one died, house still standing, kids tired but who cares! Teeth - two days? No biggie!

Such high standards! Give that man a medal for not killing his own children!

DH & I both regularly travel for work. I would not ever expect to come home to this level of chaos and neither would he. I think this guy has really screwed up and knows it and that’s why he’s being such a defensive git.

Ski4130 · 04/02/2018 13:35

UserX 'level of chaos' ?! It was tired kids who'd skipped teeth brushing, not chaos. I'm fairly uptight (by my own admission!) but I'd struggle to make a drama out of this.

As an aside, if dh came home from 8 days away and criticised my parenting, culminating in storming out of a restaurant, I'd be so, so angry, then probably laugh at his childish reaction.

doctorboo · 04/02/2018 14:57

Hmmm. I'm not sure how hard parenting is, if the clothes have already been sorted, so have meals and the children are in school full time M-F.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with the fact that he'd made a such a big deal about going out to eat when the OP was happy to stay home and he had also been evasive about a ridiculously late bed time when there had been plans for the following day.

Leaving the restaurant wasn't a fantastic move, but maybe better than having a row in public?

Elizanotlittle · 04/02/2018 15:21

' levels of chaos'

First time I have legitimately laughed out loud on here.

Cavender · 04/02/2018 15:32

I'm not sure how hard parenting is, if the clothes have already been sorted, so have meals and the children are in school full time M-F.

Doctor really?

My DH travelled regularly for work while I was working full time and the kids were at school. Providing food and clothes was absolutely not what made being in my own with them for weeks on end tiring.

Regularsizedrudy · 04/02/2018 15:54

Can’t get past the first few sentences. Ffs if your partner is incapable of basic parenting you are fucked. Hate that so many women are happy to infantilise their husbands and that so man men are this pathetic.

doctorboo · 04/02/2018 16:07

@Cavender Yes, that's how I feel about it. We all think and feel differently about OP's situation and what it's like to be the one at home while the other person is away.
I'm not having a dig, I just don't think that her husband should be given a gold star for looking after his children when she tried to make things a bit easier for him while she away for work.
I work but don't have to travel and my husband does. I do know it's tiring, but my DH doesn't bulk cook so I don't have to think about dinners or make sure there's enough clean clothes before he goes. I thought evenings and mornings were meant to get easier as the children get older? Ours are 6 and under. maybe I need to have a chat

Cambionome · 04/02/2018 16:09

The real problem is that he told you that everything was OK until you came home, and encouraged the dc to blame you. Really horrible behaviour from him.

Everything else - meh. (But don't prepare clothes/food for him in future).

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