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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this punishment twice over?

122 replies

Notss · 03/02/2018 20:29

Hi all,

Another school related disagreement between me and DH.

Basically school have a disco on the last day before half term that DS2 would like to go to. But the entry requirements are that children should have received any “red cards” for behaviour.

DS2 has received a couple red cards since Christmas (And was grounded for each) and therefore can’t go, I’m fully on board with this but DH thinks it’s wrong and is punshining twice for the same offence?

Who is BU?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Trialsmum · 03/02/2018 20:34

Your dh is being unreasonable.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 03/02/2018 20:34

The school can't know you have punished the child

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato · 03/02/2018 20:35

I'm with your DH, I bet that policy has poor outcomes for the kids in the longer term.

RedHelenB · 03/02/2018 20:37

Hopefully there will.be no more red cards next term and he can partake of the treat. Your dh is wrong.

HandMini · 03/02/2018 20:38

But you don’t gave a choice, surely? The school has decided the entry policy for the disco.

HolyShet · 03/02/2018 20:38

I agree with your DH

But I also do not punish my children at home when they have been punished at school

HandMini · 03/02/2018 20:39

And for what it’s worth I think your DH is BU.

Justmuddlingalong · 03/02/2018 20:41

If that's the school policy, then there's no point in you two falling out over it. DS broke the rules of the school, your DH will just have to accept that.

Bringmewineandcake · 03/02/2018 20:42

What sort of punishment comes with the red card at school? If it’s missed breaks etc then yes it is punishing twice, but not necessarily unreasonable of the school to do so.

PlateOfBiscuits · 03/02/2018 20:50

I assume a red card is quite serious (would a yellow card or other warning system come first?) and so I feel it’s entirely appropriate that he understands there are both immediate and long term consequences to his choices.

safariboot · 03/02/2018 21:07

Your DS isn't being punished twice, he's being denied entry to the disco because he has a record of misbehaviour. I don't think that's unreasonable by the school.

RJnomore1 · 03/02/2018 21:11

Your dh is right and it's a rubbish policy. If you get a red card first week of term your term is over. Why would anyone punish a child for something they did two months ago by exclusion and why would they imagine that provides any sort of motivation.

Punish short and sharp at the time then give them another chance to succeed, don't let them have failed the entire term.

bridgetoc · 03/02/2018 21:13

Your DH is in the wrong.......

WhooooAmI24601 · 03/02/2018 21:14

I don't know about this one; a red card means there will have been a sanction at school of some kind, plus the red cards could have been months ago. I work in a Reception class and tend to think every new day is a fresh start for every child because otherwise they're being perpetually reminded of previous bad choices.

However, two since Christmas sounds like he didn't learn from the first one, which would worry me. Schools have to find a way to reward students who make good choices and sometimes it's a hard lesson to learn but if you and DH play it in the right way perhaps he'll learn more from this than he did the red cards.

TabbyMumz · 03/02/2018 21:17

The school don't want anyone there whose behaviour isn't good.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/02/2018 21:42

RJnomore1

They haven't failed the entire term because the they can't go top a disco.

RJnomore1 · 03/02/2018 21:45

If it's the big social event of the term in the head of many children they have.

Children need to be given opportunities to get things right after they fail to build resilience.

It's utter crap to do this sort of thing. Can you imagine if a parent posted that their child had been grounded on Jan 8th so they were not taking them to a birthday party on February 15th?

So what makes it right just because it's a school doing it?

dementedpixie · 03/02/2018 21:50

2 red cards since Christmas isn't great though. In our school they would have verbal warnings and amber cards first.

CapnHaddock · 03/02/2018 21:54

It's a shit system. Punishment should be swift and related to the misdemeanour. Not meted out weeks later. It's pointless, it's punishment for punishment's sake and does nothing to change behaviour in primary aged children.

donquixotedelamancha · 03/02/2018 22:20

Punishment should be swift and related to the misdemeanour.

Absolutely true, but this is not a punishment- it's a natural consequence of his behaviour.

Students do not have an automatic right to attend parties. Teachers are under no obligation to run events like this- it's not related to teaching and learning. My school used to run 'every kid can go' events. They were chaos, so people stopped volunteering to help, so they stopped running the events and all the other kids are effectively punished.

underneaththeash · 03/02/2018 22:23

I think it’s a good idea and your DS needs to learn to behave.

Hopefully he can go next term when his behaviour is better.

SweetMoon · 03/02/2018 22:24

You're right, dh is wrong. If the criteria to go is no red cards then your dd shouldn't have got himself red cards. Hopefully next term he'll think twice.
I don't think it's punishing children twice. It's just a criteria of entry in place as a consequence of behaviour .

Allthewaves · 03/02/2018 22:34

How old - primary or secondary

CapnHaddock · 03/02/2018 22:40

I think for primary aged children, the consequence of a missed trip/party that's happening several weeks/months down the line is a nonsense. It doesn't teach them anything other than resentment and a sense of exclusion. Plus which, we all know that red cards are not doled out fairly or evenly.

I've volunteered at numerous school discos and there's plenty of bad behaviour, despite the fact that only children who haven't received a red car attend!

Yellowsubmarine75 · 03/02/2018 22:54

We have a similar system and children as young as 4 are in a way punished several times. If them get a red card they don't get stickers at the end of the week. Certificates at half term. Small prize end of term and end of year treat.
Imo that is wrong.