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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this punishment twice over?

122 replies

Notss · 03/02/2018 20:29

Hi all,

Another school related disagreement between me and DH.

Basically school have a disco on the last day before half term that DS2 would like to go to. But the entry requirements are that children should have received any “red cards” for behaviour.

DS2 has received a couple red cards since Christmas (And was grounded for each) and therefore can’t go, I’m fully on board with this but DH thinks it’s wrong and is punshining twice for the same offence?

Who is BU?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 03/02/2018 22:59

Primary it's so wrong. My dc all have behavioural issues due to sen but naturally have to get yellow and red cards when they do things wrong - like everyone else. So they are punished fairly regularly for bad/unacceptable behaviour BUT its dealt with that day/week and they start fresh the next week. If the school decided to exclude for red they would never attend any event and probably end up with school refusal.

RedHelenB · 04/02/2018 05:49

Think of it as like the criminal justice system. You assault someone say and get fined. But longer term the consequences of your actions are that you can't get that caters job you wanted cos of your record.
Two red cards since Christmas is bad, the end of term disco is a treat and your son doesn't deserve that treat due to bad behaviour. The behaviour is what your husband should be worrying about.

MayCatt · 04/02/2018 05:57

I look at it as the disco is a reward for children who have been well behaved throughout the term. Your DS hasn't been so doesn't get to attend. It's something for him to aim for next term.

lalalalyra · 04/02/2018 05:59

I think it depends on how their discipline system works. If a red card is a serious thing - either for a serious incident or repeated smaller ones then it's no different to badly behaved children missing out on trips/nice events because they can't be trusted to behave.

If red cards are handed out for minor things then your DH is right.

Bobbiepin · 04/02/2018 05:59

My school (secondary) used to do trips to a theme park for kids with good attendance, attitude and behaviour all year. Without fail there would be a kid who shouldn't get a letter (think 60% attendance, regular trusting, bullying, exclusions) who would suck up for a week or two and come on the trip because he/she had turned over a new leaf and earned the spot. Without fail that child would be dressed inappropriately and would cause trouble on the trip. I would then spend a coach journey trying to justify the decision to bring them to great kids who worked hard all year who were understandably pissed off.

Your DH is BU.

Pengggwn · 04/02/2018 06:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HuskyMcClusky · 04/02/2018 06:11

Two red cards since Christmas is bad, the end of term disco is a treat and your son doesn't deserve that treat due to bad behaviour. The behaviour is what your husband should be worrying about.

Good summary.

Your DH is being unreasonable. Odd choice to focus on the school’s decision and not his child’s bad behaviour.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/02/2018 06:15

How old is your ds? Primary or secondary? This makes a big difference. If it’s primary, the punishment is ridiculous. If it is secondary, that’s different. However, I don’t agree with twice over punishment. Ie detention for red card and now exclusion. Were you and he made aware of the policy?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 04/02/2018 06:19

All depends on the age of the child. Primary no, not a good idea. By secondary school age we are talking about children who if in trouble with the police might receive a number of tellings off before actually legal reprimands. Sometimes it can take longer for the punishment to be decided. They need to realise that misbehaving can have long term as well as short term consequences- some misguided behaviour at 18 could mean that they won't be able to pursue certain careers, go to certain countries etc. I am not saying that your son falls into that category but it is a useful lesson to learn. I am assuming that a red card either comes after a yellow card or is for something that the school regards as serious. It sounds as if either your son is new to the school ?yr7 or it is a new system. Hopefully that means that he will earn the treat next time.

c75kp0r · 04/02/2018 06:24

Yes I agree with Should - my Ds (secondary) school doesn’t allow those with record of poor behaviour at prom. In an area where we have teenage gun and knife violence problem, this is a wise precaution. For a primary school child it is possibly a bit harsh.

Lanaa · 04/02/2018 06:27

I wish more schools were like this. Why should bad behaviour be rewarded? It doesn't work, it makes badly behaved children think that they can get away with anything, and the ones that do the right thing get disillusioned.

Your DH is being unreasonable.

Soubriquet · 04/02/2018 06:31

What punishment came with the red cards in the first place?

If there was no punishment, just a red card that bars them from things like a disco, then no you're right.

If there was a punishment such as missing breaks etc, then it's punishing twice and unfair

FudgeMallowDelight · 04/02/2018 06:45

What was the first punishment that came with getting the red card?

speakout · 04/02/2018 06:48

What is a red card? What was the misdemeanor?

I don't punish btw.

araiwa · 04/02/2018 06:54

if a footballer player gets a red card, they get sent off and a suspension, this seems similar.

for me, the big question is, did the school make everyone aware of these rules from the beginning? if so, fair enough but if not, it isnt fair

Pengggwn · 04/02/2018 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedHelenB · 04/02/2018 07:10

Exactly, the disco is a reward for making the right choices at school. My ds school have a choice of rewards for 50 Dojos that the kids suggested. Really the concentration should be on your son misbehaving at school, it doesn't just impact on him but the other children too.

Believeitornot · 04/02/2018 07:15

The school disco isn’t a reward. It’s a way for the PTA to make money.

I think it is double punishment. Also it’s silly because once a kid has a re card, they’ll think what’s the point.

Which is true. Especially if teachers make mistakes issuing sanctions, which again, they do!

Pengggwn · 04/02/2018 07:19

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Believeitornot · 04/02/2018 07:23

My point was that the school are badging it as a reward but usually these things are organised by the PTA. make money.

If the school organised it with no PTA assistance then I’ll take it back.

But my broader point is that it is double punishment. They should just stick to the card system and if it’s not working, look again at behaviour management.

It’s a bit like parents who tell punish their kids and then say no presents for Christmas.

Pengggwn · 04/02/2018 07:24

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Believeitornot · 04/02/2018 07:30

I do think it’s relevant because there won’t always be a disco to useas a threat.

So the school should keep their system contained.

A red card sounds like there would be a punishment attached - hence the dh saying it’s double punishment. And he was grounded at home.

But if the red card system is intrinsically linked to the disco - ie that was the punishment and nothing else then fair enough.

Pengggwn · 04/02/2018 07:35

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soubriquet · 04/02/2018 07:41

Also it’s silly because once a kid has a re card, they’ll think what’s the point.

This! What is their incentive if there is no way to redeem themselves. May as well carry on being naughty

Pengggwn · 04/02/2018 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.