Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

[tengreenbottlesstanding]

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

Soozey you are so right about that. Everyone’s busy.
So you could be a busy full timer. A busy volunteer. A busy grandma working. Busy anything really. Its just a description of my life. I’m a parent and I work and every day I have lots to do.
Like the majority of other people parents or not.

Talking to your child at talking voice is fine

Talking loudly so everyone can hear you (and you can see the parent glancing around to make sure everyone can hear) is preformance parenting.

Usually followed by "oh Timmy, aren't those calamari so delicious, better than nasty chicken nuggets. How many calamari have you got? 4 that's right!! Can you count that in French? How about Latin? Where does calamari come from? Octopus! That's right. We saw an octopus when we to the aquarium the other didn't we? We was saying all the animal names in Latin.

I think people thought you talked to him constantly as you said I talk to him ALL of the time

You seem to be over analysing how you talk to him. It sounds like what you do is just normal talking and most parents do this without even thinking about it. Perhaps his speech delay is making you question yourself? I think pps suggestions to get a private SALT assesment is a good idea. Often they can give you some good tips to just slightly change the way you talk,how to phrase things,etc that could really help with his speech. I’m not saying your doing anything wrong but just things you probably won’t realise like giving a far longer gap for him to speak after you ask a question (I think it’s something like 10 seconds which is far longer than most people would naturally give). Or when you see a dog, not commenting as you perhaps normally would to allow him to say it.
Sometimes with a slow speaker you can get stuck in the habit of speaking to them like a much younger child. So, saying ‘oooh look a doggy’ is maybe what you would say to a baby rather than a toddler. If you had a 2/3 year old that talked well, you probably wouldn’t be pointing out a doggy to them.

Also note all the !!!

It's because they talk so loudly with such exclamation. It's a "look at my child. See how well my child is. Must be better than yours as I'm a perfect parent"

I was on a bus a few months ago the parents got on , ignored the child for 45 mins, we were in a que, she was on her phone, when a friend got on and was chatting to the 12 month old, then we saw PP, everyone on the bus was laughing at her, and she didnt know why.

I was on a bus a few months ago the parents got on , ignored the child for 45 mins, we were in a que, she was on her phone, when a friend got on and was chatting to the 12 month old, then we saw PP, everyone on the bus was laughing at her, and she didnt know why.

That is very unkind.

I don't suppose it's occurred to you judgy pants posters that the children in all these examples are babies and toddlers where they're learning to talk. It's much better to PP than ignore your child for 45 minutes while you're on the phone. (Whatever their motivation might be.)

Op i think what you are doing is fine. Its just the way you worded your post.

OP if you are ever thinking of speaking to a speech therapist you may not need to go private.

In my area there are drop-in SLT sessions, and also certain Stay-and-Plays where a SLT attends and can be consulted. I got useful advice this way and, in case the advice didn't work, she put DS down for a speech group which he subsequently didn't need.

I found it very reassuring to know I could always access this support, which I had no idea about before.

OP don't worry about it. People are weirdly insecure about others talking, interacting and educating their children. That's their problem, not yours.

I said this on the other thread, but all the 'criteria' for performance parenting is totally subjective and means nothing.

It's about using a loud voice apparently. Well, different people naturally speak at different volumes. Your loud is someone else's normal.

Or it's about 'looking around for validation'. Well, maybe they're just looking around them?!?!

Oh and reference to a foreign language is DEFINITELY performance parenting. Because god forbid you'd try to expand your kids language horizons like that.

Ignore it all and do what you think is best. You'll be judged regardless.

Talking to your child at talking voice is fine

Talking loudly so everyone can hear you (and you can see the parent glancing around to make sure everyone can hear) is preformance parenting.

Usually followed by "oh Timmy, aren't those calamari so delicious, better than nasty chicken nuggets. How many calamari have you got? 4 that's right!! Can you count that in French? How about Latin? Where does calamari come from? Octopus! That's right. We saw an octopus when we to the aquarium the other didn't we? We was saying all the animal names in Latin.
Haha! Yes!

To me there is such an obvious difference between talking to your child and performance parenting.
I'm actually close to suggesting another criterion for performance parents. If you ever say anything to the effect of...
these days parents can't even TALK to their child without being accused of performance parenting
It's just other people feeling insecure because they would rather use tablets to entertain their child
what a sad state of affairs that people who actually interact with their children are sneered at
... you are probably one of those irritating performance parents.

It's not talking to your child that annoys people.
It's not having educational chatter that annoys people.
What annoys people is the fact that thr whole world had to listen to you desperately trying to get a gold star for your awesomeness by having loud conversations highlighting said awesomeness.

@MaisyPops that's not true. I've disagreed strongly with all this supposed instances of 'PP', you get show offs in any setting, why pick on parents in particular?

I don't PP at all, I get very self conscious and avoid eye contact with anyone I don't know. So it would be completely alien to me.

What nobody wants to accept is that the instances of so called PP that are described in the threads about this subject, the children are babies or toddlers, who do need a lot of interaction to keep them from messing around. And it's exciting to see your child learning to talk. So that might make some parents get carried away.

Why is it a sport to mock parents who are possibly struggling but trying their best to parent their children??

I think it's great you interact with him a lot, but the way you describe it sounds like you keep up a running commentary. I'm not sure that's best for children, as sometimes they just need to sit in peace and observe things in their own way. Rather than being bombarded with your observations/thoughts. I talk to my DD (also 2.5) when she shows interest in something but we have long periods of silence too. I try to be guided by her. I want her to think for herself not see through my eyes. Being outdoors is stimulating enough without someone verbalising everything.

Also, in public places you do need to be mindful of other people. A child chattering is fine, but a parent constantly describing everything and asking questions makes me cringe and feel sorry for the child.

I talk to ds all the time, same as you. It's only performance parenting if you're doing it for someone else's benefit. Talking to your child is normal isn't it?

Laurie out of interest, what do you think about the other types of 'public performance' I mentioned - the person who talks about their latest hilarious romantic adventure at top volume, or who makes lots of Important Business Calls to show that they're an Important Business Person? Are they also imaginary? Or is it just parents who never, ever show off?

I am reminded of the now legendary tale of the lady on the long distance rail journey who made phone call after phone call at a very loud volume. She was oblivious to the looks, glares, coughs etc being thrown her way and eventually she asked someone to call her back. Upon giving her phone number, she was then texted by another passenger who asked her to keep her voice down and if she couldn’t, to please stop the phone calls as it was annoying the entire carriage.

I appreciate that some people have loud voices, but as those persons have identified on here; they know they do! Self awareness is a gift....as is reducing the volume when in public.

I am reminded of the now legendary tale of the lady on the long distance rail journey who made phone call after phone call at a very loud volume. She was oblivious to the looks, glares, coughs etc being thrown her way and eventually she asked someone to call her back. Upon giving her phone number, she was then texted by another passenger who asked her to keep her voice down and if she couldn’t, to please stop the phone calls as it was annoying the entire carriage.

This, there's nothing more annoying than people talking on the phone in a loud voice in a train carriage. But she obviously wasn't showing off, she was just ignorant.

What a brilliant move to text her though!!

I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.

That al sounds perfectly normal and far better than being glued to your phone but the example the other day in here was a mother who was using the MN poster as a kind of tutorial - talking about her in a loud voice and encouraging her DS to make personal remarks about a complete stranger in earshot.

That was just rude.

To add some light hearted to the thread...

I live virtually on a pavement. My window was open and I saw a man with child and dog about to cross the road. He said to the child "now what do we do before we cross the road?"
Child goes "SIT!!!" And both child and dog plonk themselves down on the pavement
I had to hold on to the kitchen worktop I laughed so much

Crikey! I'd never even heard of performance parenting. All you are doing is teaching your child.

Oh OP. Are you being obtuse just to give me a laugh? You must be. Thank you

I don’t believe you genuinely lack the self awareness to not realise that pushing your child in a pram without talking at him is just pushing a pram. It’s not “chilling out.”

@Bramble71 I only ever hear about 'performance parenting' on Mumsnet, I never hear about it IRL. Phone use in a train carriage is notorious by contrast, hence why they have 'quiet carriages', or used to, is that still a thing??

Me too Lizzie. I think it is a label used by inadequate parents in a vain attempt to put others down because they didn't take much notice of their own kids and now it shows.

Soubriquet has nailed the 'performance' in performance parent imo.

why pick on parents in particular?
Because it's a thread about performance PARENTING.

I equally think people who discuss their live life so the world can hear are obnoxious, same for people who do that I AM ON A TRAIN BUT THE WORLD IS MY OFFICE... YEAH... YEAH.. WELL YOU GET MIKE TO FAX THAT DOCUMENT TO ME AND I'LL CATCH HIM LATER TO TOUCH BASE sort of phone call.

People who act loud and inconsiderate and think the world should give them gold stars or be impressed are utterly insufferable to be around. Performance parents included.

But that's something that's talked about a lot IRL, hence the 'quiet carriages' that used to be a thing. I never hear about 'performance parenting' IRL.

You are a captive audience in a train, though. That's why it's a particular source of frustration.