Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

[tengreenbottlesstanding]

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

Haha beryl we do not speak French.
Russian, French and Japanese so not very interesting either.

As others have said, this is just called parenting, no performance about it.

Can I make a suggestion though? I’ve had a late talker too. Instead of asking him if he can see a dog, try asking him where the dog is or what colour the dog is. I think I was guilty of only asking questions to which the only answers were yes or no too.

Have yiu heard of Talking Point too? You might find it helpful.

I HRTWT so sorry if I’m repeating.

I have a v. loud voice. And I don't stop talking. I'm sure lots of people thought I was performance parenting when my dc were small. And, if I'm completely honest with myself, there was probably at least some element of PPing going on.

My finest moment of PPing took place in Hampstead (where else ) walking down to the hospital. I loudly said: "Now, we're all going to go to the toilet and then visit your Aunt. She's on the seventh floor. Shall we all count to 7?" It was at about this moment in the monologue that I realised my dc were all 70 miles away .

Oh, and FWIW, three out of my 4 dc had severe speech delays.

This point has been made several times by other posters and ignored spectacularly by the OP but let’s just try it again.

The VOLUME of the speech is a crucial point.

Speaking with, explaining, encouraging, repeating speech with your child is normal parenting and something that 99.99999999999% of parents do (yes, OP, sorry to disappoint but they/we do and have done since the dark ages)

IF YOU SHOUT IT ALL (as if you’re on stage; hence the term ‘performance’) YOU’RE LIKELY A PP, unless your dc is deaf etc.

Please stop being so obtuse.

Chill time in his buggy.

Snort.

Because that’s different that the mums you see on their phones pushing their little ones and ignoring them. Those mums are horrible and you don’t understand them.

When you do it, it’s strucured “chill time”

I haven’t laughed out loud (and read out loud some of these brilliant posts) like this in a long time.

I always have to remind myself when I'm not out with the toddler that I have to stop talking out loud now. Is it just me?

lurkingnotlurking Ha, me too!

I do shout it, because we think DD probably has ASD, and she literally can't hear me, because she's in her own little bubble. I developed the loud handclap, which she can't hear either, she can't feel tickling or tapping on the head, I now pinch her nostrils.

@Nocabbageinmyeye
Who wants to come find a brick wall with me to talk to? Anyone?

Me! Me! I do!

We can bang our heads against it when it ignores us. (much like the OP)

Wow OP.
An expert on perinatal mental health because your health visitor talked about a clean home. That one experience has allowed you to extrapolate the conclusion that people acting like you have PND as they are trying too hard to impress. Could that be true? You seem to be desperate to demonstrate what a good parent you are and this is what makes you seem superior.
Yes superior. Untill the drip feed about cbeebies.
You are stonewalling any views which aren't your own. Not sure the point of the thread other than being goady. You are very black and white in you thinking.

I'm having an image of a PP's child clinging to the doorframe, screaming "noooooo! She's/he's taking me out so she/he can talk at me again!" 😄

I see where the OP is coming from given some of these responses. It seems plenty of people don’t know what PP really involves.

I think we can agree volume is involved. You can’t perform well if people can’t hear you.

Also lots of looking around for approval. I think that’s where the agreement ends.

Several people have responded that PP involves asking your child if they can answer in another language or pointing out that something organic may be preferable (I assume they truly believe it is better and want to educate their kids [even if it is all nonsense]). Someone said asking them if they can count chocolate buttons is PP? Though not as bad as the person who said pointing out sheep is PP. Someone else was complaining about a discussion about gravity? I think these are the people OP is talking about.

I think it’s great for kids to see similarities and differences in languages, to learn to count EVEN when they leave the house, and yes, to understand how the world around them physically operates. Some people may see the discussion as over the child’s head but children absorb a LOT of information (even when they look like they’re not listening). How can anyone have a problem with a parent trying to expand their child’s world a bit? Yet here we are.

I think what you're describing is parenting.

However what you're doing by posting this here is a version of performance parenting, as you're desperately trying to convince us (most of whom do this naturally and quietly) that you're somewhat special in doing it.
Kind of ironic really.

That's not performance parenting. Performance parenting is when you do it really loudly do that it draws attention. You aren't doing it to draw attention. If you are drawing attention anyway because you are so loud you really need to tone it down so that you son doesn't end up being irritatingly loud as well. People don't get annoyed when they overhear others talking to their children. They get annoyed when some inconsiderate areshole is yelling "And that one's red! Isn't it Hugo!" so loudly that the whole world can hear.

For the OP and everyone else deliberately misunderstanding, normal parenting is when you talk to your child in public at a normal volume with your attention on that child.

Performance parenting is when you are talking really loudly while looking around to make sure people are listening to you, usually with a child completely oblivious to you. In PP you throw in details as previously mentioned about daddy's Ferrari or your fabulous holiday in San Morritz. In normal parenting you look at your child while saying things like "do you think we should get bananas for your sister". Quite simple.

I don't know a) why some people are so insistent that there's no such thing as performance parenting or b) why people think it's just a parenting thing. There are lots of people - men and women - who think that whatever they're doing is so fascinating that everyone around them will be charmed and entranced to hear it. You see it with people talking loudly and showily about their love/social lives, and the businessman who spends the entire train journey showing just how big and important he is in a series of ostentatious phone calls is a classic of the genre. Sometimes those people have children, and when they do they tend to do exactly the same thing with them. It's like the people who can talk about nothing but their children - it's a character flaw (they were already self-absorbed to begin with) not some sort of inevitable consequence of having children.

Yes I get that, @MargaretCavendish the phone call thing is irritating. I used to get sick of hearing people say loudly into their very large mobiles, 'Hello, I'm on the train!' In the days when having a mobile stood you out as being a yuppy. They also used to let the phone ring 3 times so everyone in the carriage would know that they were on the phone.

I don't see performance parenting though, it's just not something I've particularly spotted. (Maybe I should get out more lol.)

Op it's really annoying, stop doing it.

Just talk to your child normally, at a sensible volume, and fgs stop firing questions at the poor boy, especially stupid ones you know the answer to. No one is impressed.

This thread is too much I was in need of a good laugh, thank you so much!

There was a performance home improver on the tube the other day. Gave her builder management speak on a deathly quiet tube in morning rush hour in her loudest voice, enunciating every word. When she ended the call she looked around at everyone with a wry smile and met blank stares.

No op this morning?

What you’re doing isn’t performance parenting. But it will often get labelled as that, wrongly, by the child-hating contingent on here who seem to seek out threads like this to post nasty comments.

I actually don’t think it is other mothers. If people don’t have children, they don't realise that yes you do have to talk to them a lot about boring things to encourage language development, and that does often include baby talk like “nice doggy”. That is completely normal mainstream parenting that everyone does. But it seems to drive a minority of very vocal posters on here into a frenzy. Some people just don’t like coming into contact with children in public. DH didn’t prior to DS, and still isn’t a fan of random children. It isn’t the child or the parent’s fault though, they are just existing.

I think the sneering at “Mummy may we have quinoa for tea?” is often just class hatred. Which is fine, I feel similarly about posh mums too, but you should just admit that’s what it is.

Wow lots of interesting responses here.
So going from this thread it seems there isn’t even consensus here about this performance parenting.
Some people say I am doing it because of the way I talk to my child and some posters have even suggested it is me talking to him the way I do that’s caused his speech delay.
Lots of people saying it isn’t performance parenting.
Some people saying it isn’t performance parenting and I’m Amy for suggesting that it’s oerformance parenting.
Some people suggesting what I do is ok, but if I was middle class and taking about a house in France or teaching him French it would be performance parenting.
Lots of views that I can say whatever I like as long as it’s quiet.
Interesting
Primark I’m definitely not an expert on maternal mental health. But I do know that people with depression don’t present in one particular way. Whilst some may feel unable to do much, others may overcompensate. That is possible.
Shifty I said he has chill time in his buggy (as in when we are walking from a to b to get somewhere) as a pp suggested I must talk constantly. So I just mean he looks about and relaxes in his Pushchair simple as that really I don’t imagine you could structure this. I like most people take the opportunity to look on my I phone and sneak the sweets that he isn’t allowed yet when he can’t see me.

"Busy working mum"... such a cringey meaningless phrase 🙄 who isn't busy nowadays? Working or parent or other?

*correction some people say it isn’t performance parenting but some people say I’m smug for suggesting it is performance parenting.

Also thanks to those who shared their experience about speech delays or said anything constructive. I.e tried to be helpful and not blame me for my sons speech).