Am I wrong to ‘performance parent’?

[tengreenbottlesstanding]

There seems to be a lot of criticism on here about ‘performance parenting’.
My ds is 2.5. His talking is not the best and we are really working on it. He is an only child and doesn’t attend nursery so a lot of his interactions/opportunities for learning things are largely down to me. On my days off work whilst we do some structured things he spends most of his time with me going to the park/shops/cafes.
I talk to him ALL of the time. “Can you see the doggy, say bye bye to check out lady. What colour is this lovely car? How many birdies are there? Can you see the train/digger/bus”?
So I guess, according to many on mumsnet, I ‘performance parent’.
But here’s the thing, I had a child because I want to talk and interact with him. It’s nothing to do with anyone around me I couldn’t give two hoots if anyone overhears my conversation with my child, in the same way a conversation in a public place may be overheard between two adults.
If people overhear me talking to ds choose to smile at him and speak to us, that’s lovely. If not, get on your way I don’t mind at all.
As a human being, he’s actually entitled to have someone (me) stimulate his mind and speak to him in a way that he will understand.
I’m also a busy working mum and I’m responsible for his learning when I am caring for him and trying to do all other jobs, so I’m trying to squeeze in colours, numbers etc with a trip to the supermarket. With all of the rude/hostile/aggressive people that you can encounter in the world, I simply can’t understand how anyone could be upset about overhearing a toddler learning their colours.
So I don’t think I’m really all that unreasonable for this ‘performance parenting’.
But if you feel children should be ignored/left to stare at an I pad/kept away from cafes or supermarkets then feel free to disagree. But I won’t ever stop talking to my child in a meaningful way.

I think some parents don’t speak much to their children, as they feel uncomfortable doing so, especially in public. I had a lovely neighbour whose child was slow to speak. After seeing the health visitor/speech and language therapist, she came round feeling bad. She was saying that she really didn’t speak to her child in the way described in the op. She said she was happy in silence and that she felt embarrassed talking in that way, as it felt unnatural, so she just didn’t talk much. When I see these threads on ‘performance parenting’, i often time think it is more that the person talking to their child is just a bit irritating, in the same way you hear irritating people talking to other adults. I am sure in many cases the ‘performance’ element is that they feel slightly self conscious as they are effectively having a one way conversation.
I would hate for anyone, like my friend, to be further put off from talking to their babies/toddlers when in public for fear of being labelled a ‘performance parent’.
Obviously, as in the other thread, audibly making another person the subject of your conversation would be rude whether you were talking to an adult or a toddler.

Op you sound like you’re trying to do the best for your child and I don’t think you’re performance parenting. However when we visited a speech therapist for speech issues (stammering, pronunciation issues which had followed a speech delay) we were warned against show speech ie “say thank you” say “goodbye”, ie pressurising DS to say creation things. Modelling was better. In the early stages. Might be worth paying for some private SLT to give you some guidance, I know withDS I felt quite self conscious (and worried to death) about his speech and was glad to have a structure in which to frame my help

I think you're good! Honestly doesn't sound like performance parenting, because your interactions are about ds, not about the unwitting audience.

I understand your worries though, I have a two year old ds, who has mild hearing difficulties. So his speech isn't great and I have to talk loudly to him. It is embarrassing but it has to be done!

Should have started before 2.5 then he would know them already - just because you've had a change of motivation doesn't mean you should come on and try to shame others. Maybe they started earlier and have done it add hock from birth rather than waiting until their child is behind and becoming evangelical about standard parenting

I enjoy overhearing a bit of PP, however I’ve moved from a naice area to one where the kids get a lollipop and a phone to hold, so opportunities have been sadly lacking.

Well you may have missed the mark on performance parenting but you’ve nailed the passive aggressive humblebrag!

I do agree with this actually. It’s what Xeneth was trying to point out to you last night but you spectacularly missed the point.

It's not just French vocab etc it's the volume! I was in a swimming pool changing room the other day and had 20 minutes of a mother giving a running commentary at high volume regarding the various shampoo, conditioner, soap, towel and wet floor issues of her three children in and near the shower. I wanted to shout at her "Just shut the fuck up!!".

Why do people have to be so loud? Do they really think we want to hear it all?

I love listening to a bit of PP.

You know when it’s this because the PP will be looking around the whole time at their unwitting audience. Plus the volume is loud. Precocious subjects are often discussed, eg talking about how gravity works while the kid is distracted eating a bogey. The telling off conversations are normally a very serious debate so that all the less good parents can learn.

It’s nice hearing people twittering away to toddlers, however when the conversation is incessant and all one way I do sometimes think “give that poor kids ears a rest”.

OP here's your desperately needed pat on the back for your normal parenting.

You started a thread about performance parenting (which you seemingly don't understand), discussed standard parenting techniques (speaking to your child) and are flouncing about judging others. Cool.

@Winifredgoose10 I think you've probably hit the nail on the head. I probably didn't speak to my DDs enough in public when they were babies and toddlers because I felt self-conscious about the sound of my voice. And DD1 is partially deaf so she did need some speech therapy. (Thankfully she speaks absolutely fine now, at 8.)

I can well imagine that they might be looking around because they're self conscious, almost apologetically.

Of course there are some who are just rude, like the mum in the OP.

The tone of the OP is weird....defensive and yet having a go at other parents

I'd call that parenting OP. In fact, my eldest is now driving himself around and yet DH and I still find ourselves going "Oooh look at the train/fire engine/bus" when we are in the car 😂😂. After 3 dcs it's a hard habit to break. No doubt we'll find ourselves doing it until the grandchildren start appearing hopefully not for about 2 decades

You're just talking to your children. In my mind performance parenting is done to show off to others so "what colour is the car Bobby, yes that's right it's red like Daddy's Ferrari. Can you say FERRARI?"

Gosh there's some bitter and jealous parents on here!

People that call everything "performance parenting" are the ones who cannot be bothered to do more than stick on an xbox and open a packet of crisps for their kids.

You are doing fine OP. Stuff what anyone calls it, they do Inadequate Parenting. Parenting comes naturally to some, not to others, and the "others" hate it!

CAN YOU REMEMEMBER WHAT DUCKIES IS IN FRENCH

Oh no I do this
I am teaching child my 3 languages, so do ask sometime what this thing is in other language.

Performance parenting (or not() aside OP, one thing I have picked up from your responses on this thread is that you are very defensive and sound quite uptight. HTH

He has chill time in his buggy.

You've said this twice now. Do you mean when you're taking him somewhere or are you strapping him in his buggy at home?

You never have any idea of what anyone else is facing and the challenges they are having with parenting.

Abd yet you have admitted that you judge people who don't talk to their kids. That makes you a hypocrite.

And I'll wager you are a performance parent, but in denial.

It sounds like you're a bit embarrassed listening to yourself.

Is it possible you are more worried than you mention about the language? DS was a rather silent baby and slow to start talking - I think I got a bit frenetic chatting to him constantly in case I wasn't doing enough. It sounds like you might be doing that?

Having spoken to a speech therapist I calmed it right down and stopped blattering on at him. She recommended short phrases (like "bus" pause "bus"), or blowing bubbles then saying "pop!" Etc. Also pausing and waiting for him to respond. It worked really well for him, although he was younger and probably at a different stage.

Anyway, ignore me if none of that is relevant, but if you are anxious about your son's speech and getting a bit OTT with the constant input, maybe think about seeing an ST for some strategies.

YABU - what you're doing is called 'talking to your child'. Lots of parents do that. Performance Parenting is done for the benefit of other adults, not the child.
Well done for talking to your child.

Lethaldrizzle I couldn't agree more. Performance discipline is profoundly annoying.

OP you have been told many, many, many times that speaking to your child a lot is normal parenting. You are doing normal parenting.

People judge, and get irritated by, loud parenting for the benefit of an audience. Which is something different. As I believe you know.

So i’ll bite. What do you want from this thread? Are you concerned that your DS has a speech delay ? If you are worried, may I gently suggest starting a new post looking for support and advice?

No? Nicolas-Tarquin, put the conventionally farmed kiwi down, darling! We're going to get you some lovely, locally grown organic apples instead, sweetheart. They're better for the environment and those horrible toxins in the kiwi make your head tired and you won't enjoy your Baby-mandarin class so much ...

Everyone who's spent time in a poncy area has met parents like this. Unfortunately.

&StandardRussian66* French smench.

It needs to be some obscure language to really impress me. Perhaps Nepalese, or Quechuan. Try harder.

'He looks on iPad games and watches CBeebies when I’m getting things done at home .
But when I’m out I talk to him.'

Why don't you talk to him Without the audience

Tongue in cheek
What you describe in your Op is just normal