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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this should be left in the past?

127 replies

SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 15:06

Ok, so many years ago, in my late teens/early twenties, I made the mistake of being, well, popular with the opposite sex. As in, kissing and heavy petting, no sex. And word got round in our small village that I was easy.
I admit I had no self respect. I am ashamed of my past, but that’s just it.
It’s in the past.
I’m now 52. Married, happy and in a decent job.
Recently, dh and I bumped into one of those guys from my past, who knew dh from school, so they got chatting. Anyway, dh said, do you know my wife, sprouts? The guy sneered and said, yes very well, looking me up and down with his eyes. Then the subject got changed and we moved on.
AIBU to think that time has passed, we all make mistakes, and we should move on from them?
I feel so dirty now, and anxious that someone out there remembers me from what I did all those years ago, and not for what is happening in my current life.

OP posts:

Lucymek · 02/02/2018 15:08

I wouldn't worry about it. The fact that he still dwells on it means not much else has changed or
Progressed in their life. Assuming his around your age he really should have grown up.

Mrsdraper1 · 02/02/2018 15:08

No advice, sorry this happened to you..
Jeez what a creepy bastard that guy was

Greensleeves · 02/02/2018 15:10

The only thing that stands out to me from your op is that the man you met is a deeply unpleasant, bitter person who has a vile attitude to women.

You have nothing whatsoever to feel ashamed about! You did nothing wrong. None of us has exactly the same values and behaviours now as we had at 20, but honestly, it doesn't sound to me as though you were particularly unusual in your behaviour as a young woman.

Try to forget you met this pathetic slimeball and enjoy your life.

picklemepopcorn · 02/02/2018 15:10

Should such a thing happen again, say 'clearly not, as I've grown up and moved on'. I must point out that there were other people involved in your youthful indiscretions- so no one should be trying to make you feel ashamed!

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 02/02/2018 15:10

YANBU. Think of it this way: you regret something that happened 35 years ago, that guy is still a tosser now.

Don't waste any more energy feeling bad about it. Teenager exploring sex is hardly something to feel ashamed about.

MavisPike · 02/02/2018 15:10

What a vile man for being so disrespectful
Please don't feel dirty - it takes two you know
If all they've got to take about after all these years is you pity them

Justanotherzombie · 02/02/2018 15:11

Lots of kissing and heavy petting in your late teens/early 20's. I fail to see what is anyway shameful about that!

He's a weirdo. You were an experimenter, nothing wrong with that!

Greensleeves · 02/02/2018 15:11

And there's nothing dirty about a young, single woman enjoying sex. With multiple partners. He's probably just bitter because he's not getting any.

SandyY2K · 02/02/2018 15:11

The guy doesn't have amnesia so he's not going to forget..
although there was no need for his comment and sneering. That was rather immature of him.

I must say I once bumped into a friend of my X and I didn't recognise him. I was eith DH and the guy judt smiled and left it.

When DH walked away he came and reminded me he was a friend of my Ex. I was grateful he never said that while DH was there... as that would have killed the mood.

Original poster

SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 15:12

I wouldn’t mind, but he is married also, obviously moved on.

I just hate myself now. All those memories flooding back, the shame.

Karma has bit me on the bum, hasn’t it, come round full circle.

OP posts:

pallisers · 02/02/2018 15:12

creepy vile bastard. Steer clear of him - he isn't a good person.

Greensleeves · 02/02/2018 15:14

No, karma hasn't bitten you on the bum, because you haven't done anything wrong! What is it that you feel so ashamed of? What you're describing is perfectly normal behaviour for a young woman

BulletFox · 02/02/2018 15:14

No it's not karma, you did nothing wrong, he's a creepy pervert

ChelleDawg2020 · 02/02/2018 15:14

Actions have consequences I'm afraid. You have to learn to live with your past - accept the person you were, and the person you are now. Maybe you'll be "found out", maybe not. But hopefully your husband loves you for who you are now.

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/02/2018 15:15

OK I wonder why you feel such a sense of shame about this? What you describe, kissing and petting, is not unusual for late teens/early 20s. What do you believe about this? Where does that belief come from?

Mrsdraper1 · 02/02/2018 15:15

It's not karma, it's not like that at all. You didn't do anything wrong and the universe is indifferent, trust me.
Have you considered talking to someone like a counsellor to help you deal with the things in your past?
Maybe it would help you to put it all firmly behind you. Torturing yourself with regrets is not a nice way to live. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone objective who you will never see again (once the counselling is done)

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 02/02/2018 15:15

But he participated, so if there’s any shame (there isn’t btw) he should feel equally ashamed. He’s not worth a second thought.

Grunkle · 02/02/2018 15:15

I appreciate that you grew up in a different time to me. But presumably, you've grown with the times and now fully understand that there is nothing even remotely wrong with having a kiss and a fumble. Hell, even a shag. At almost any age really, taking laws and so on into account.

You didn't "make mistakes". You had a bit of sexual contact with the opposite sex in your youth. That's not a mistake, that's a human being a human! You didn't need to change to stop being that way...

The man who sneered at you sounds like he doesn't understand basic things about his own sexuality, let alone yours. I feel quite sorry for him really? He must be lonely and bitter... if he thinks you're sneerworthy for kissing and petting, what must he think of himself??? He participated too ffs! CF.

Chin up OP. You didn't do anything wrong, you didn't make mistakes, you just grew up around a pile of misogynists, it sounds like.

Greensleeves · 02/02/2018 15:15

"found out" for WHAT?????

"petting" as a young single woman?

mind: blown

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2018 15:17

I don't understand what you think you've done wrong, you weren't even screwing around. Lots of people mess about with the opposite sex.

Grunkle · 02/02/2018 15:17

????????????????

What does this even mean

Original poster

SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 15:19

I was single at the time @ChelleDawg, so it’s not like I was cheating.
Late teens/early twenties, kissing heavy petting no sex (like I said in my original post) so it’s not like I was sleeping around.

Still feel bad, but at least I DO feel bad about it. Better than doing it and not regetting it at all.

OP posts:

BetseyTrotwood · 02/02/2018 15:20

I don't think -unless you were coerced- that you should regret it at all.

BulletFox · 02/02/2018 15:20

Grunkle I thought the same. It's hardly as if she's been out machine gunning puppies and smashing up bus stops.

A bit of tomfoolery with willing male participants.

OP put it behind you.

Grunkle · 02/02/2018 15:21

Still feel bad, but at least I DO feel bad about it.

WHY is it good that you feel bad?????? I am at an absolute loss. Who has been filling your head with these awful things?

Better than doing it and not regetting it at all.

What??
Really though. Really really. Read what you are saying. You believe that you are somehow virtuous (??) or a better person (?) because you regret that you kissed and petted with boys.

Really??

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