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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this should be left in the past?

127 replies

SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 15:06

Ok, so many years ago, in my late teens/early twenties, I made the mistake of being, well, popular with the opposite sex. As in, kissing and heavy petting, no sex. And word got round in our small village that I was easy.
I admit I had no self respect. I am ashamed of my past, but that’s just it.
It’s in the past.
I’m now 52. Married, happy and in a decent job.
Recently, dh and I bumped into one of those guys from my past, who knew dh from school, so they got chatting. Anyway, dh said, do you know my wife, sprouts? The guy sneered and said, yes very well, looking me up and down with his eyes. Then the subject got changed and we moved on.
AIBU to think that time has passed, we all make mistakes, and we should move on from them?
I feel so dirty now, and anxious that someone out there remembers me from what I did all those years ago, and not for what is happening in my current life.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/02/2018 15:43

Is there maybe more to this op? Were you handing out sexual favours to anyone who asked knowing that was all they wanted?

If this was just you snogged a lot of boys through mutual attraction, then irrelevant of the shame uou were brought up to feel, you would know as an adult that's a fairly normal part of growing up?

gamerchick · 02/02/2018 15:44

What does this even mean

It’s called arse speak, a language people like to perfect I think.

OP the only thing wrong with your post is you’re low in good comebacks. Stock up on them.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 02/02/2018 15:44

He's a childish knobber. Don't think anymore about it.

You have done fuck all wrong. Why be ashamed of a healthy sex life?

You were/are an adult who makes your own decisions.

ExConstance · 02/02/2018 15:46

Please don't worry about it. One of my friends was equally "popular" - though she had actually shagged most of the eligible young men in the small marked town where we lived. None of us ever thought the less of her, though 6 of them, plus the best man were there at her wedding. Maybe the 10 years between OP and me make a difference as it was genuinely a very permissive society in my teens and early twenties.

Original poster
SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 15:47

Is this some form of weird post where you just want to attack women who have varied relationships/intimacies so you're dressing it up as you?

Eh? No.
I was pretty too, hence the attention in the first place.
I’m not attacking anyone. I was on a downer then. If my life had been happier and obviously guilt free, then I would have enjoyed it, and left it in the past as a fond memory. Maybe my home life coloured my shame. But it’s my shame. Nothing to do with what other people enjoy.

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/02/2018 15:47

Nothing to do with what you did when you were younger.

All to do with this man being a creep. That's what you should concentrate on. Just avoid him.

rocketgirl22 · 02/02/2018 15:48

We all did that (well most of us) are we all dirty and grubby and should be ashamed???

Of course not!

It is what happens when you are young and free and experiencing life.

I did the same, and look back on it with fondness and I am jolly glad I did!!! I think it is your view of what happened causing the problem.

IF it ever happens again and the man in question is being rude, raise your eyebrows and tell him you most definitely don't remember him at all but clearly he is very old now and age isn't kind to everyone - exit conversation

Do not be ashamed of being young and exploring your sexuality!

Jaxhog · 02/02/2018 15:49

The only thing that stands out to me from your op is that the man you met is a deeply unpleasant, bitter person who has a vile attitude to women.
This! Chin up OP, You've moved on. Clearly he hasn't.

thislifeofmine · 02/02/2018 15:50

Oh ffs these sanctimonious comments about 'consequences' are really annoying me! So you had a few guys when you were younger- bloody double standards- i bet these guys did too! Twats. So bloody what.

The man was a dick. My DP would have knocked him out for being so disrespectful!

I didn't realise we were living in the 40's still 🙄

elisenbrunnen · 02/02/2018 15:50

OP - are/were you very religious? Only because religion can make people (girls Angry) feel shameful, and ashamed of what is very normal behaviour in your early dating life.

The bloke that looked you up and down obviously makes you feel that he thinks you did something shameful - you didn't. He didn't. What you did with him was exactly the same as he did with you.

We all made mistakes when we were young - sorry, but this is not and never was, a 'mistake'. It is a normal exploration of feelings and sexual awareness. You should never feel it was a mistake.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2018 15:51

But you still have not explained what you feel shame about. You post about a normal growing up experience, like most other people, and then say you're ashamed and feel dirty. None of us know why. Other than you are conditioned to feel shame over normal things.

And you seem to be still on a downer. I don't get how you don't know by the age of 52 what you describe is normal, unless there is more to it.

babyccinoo · 02/02/2018 15:52

I feel so dirty now, and anxious that someone out there remembers me from what I did all those years ago, and not for what is happening in my current life.

Did you force him to kiss and pet? No! So why does he get to sneer at you? HE is the creep. I pity his wife.

I would think of some pithy responses to use next time him or another of the other guys acts this way towards you.

lolaflores · 02/02/2018 15:55

Agree. Dirty sod who you wouldn't probably cross the street to piss on if he was on fire. Too high an opinion of himself.
Interesting no one would cast any aspersions on him having a reasonably active normal teenage sex life. you were too but you seem to feel unsure about it.
Double sided bullshit.
return the look and brazen it out

whiskyowl · 02/02/2018 15:55

Jesus, he's an absolutely twat, and a lechy old-fashioned one at that.

Snogging a few blokes is bloody nothing. It's not even a youthful mistake, OP. Not even.

elisenbrunnen · 02/02/2018 15:56

Maybe my home life coloured my shame. But it’s my shame. - aren't you listening OP? Why is it your 'shame'?

Why are you ashamed of doing with him what he did with you? He's not ashamed!

VladmirsPoutine · 02/02/2018 15:56

Own it. Nothing to feel ashamed about. More power to your elbow, I say.

Original poster
SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 15:56

Sorry @Grunkle, I meant the only attention I ever got was in reference to my home life, sorry, should have been more clear.
Thanks for all your answers 💐 and @Greensleeves, thanks, I’ll have a look into CPTSD.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 02/02/2018 15:57

I've had a fairly illustrious past but if someone is meeting middle-aged Vlad expecting me to be like 20yr old Vlad then clearly they haven't changed so the only emotion I can feel for them is pity.

Original poster
SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 16:06

And no I’m not religious, and not living in the 40’s.

It’s how he made me feel when I saw him. It was good to get it out in the open on here, I feel better for it. Maybe it was in my subconscious, and it needed to come out somehow. MN is therapy in itself.

Double standards, yes, the creep! Grrr.

OP posts:
elisenbrunnen · 02/02/2018 16:08

Good OP - get angry! How dare he judge you on what he also did!

Original poster
SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 16:12

I’ll knee him in the groin next time.
Yes, he definitely isn’t worth thinking about, but really, after all these years!
F*ing hell, I must have been good..

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/02/2018 16:14

I wonder if you are seeing his reaction through your eyes as well and adapting it to your view.

I could tell you there is nothing to be ashamed of, that its perfectly normal but it wont stop you feeling shame.

Why do you feel shame by the way?

Anymajordude · 02/02/2018 16:14

Fuck that shit! Honestly you have nothing to feel ashamed of. Why shouldn't a young woman be as sexual as she likes? I certainly was. It has no bearing on the middle aged, boring, married person I am now. Don't judge your younger self harshly and don't internalise the misogyny coming from those losers.

InsomniacAnonymous · 02/02/2018 16:15

BulletFox "No it's not karma, you did nothing wrong, he's a creepy pervert"

A pervert? That's a bit strong isn't it?

ReanimatedSGB · 02/02/2018 16:15

OP, I'm about your age and I have slept with more than 100 people. I am not in the least ashamed: it was all consensual and mostly good fun.
I'm sorry this creepy little shit upset you. I bet he was one of the least enjoyable make-out partners you had in the first place (men like him, who see any kind of sexual interaction as 'getting' something from women, and despise the woman they have it with as having 'lost' that something, are awful sexual partners).