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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this should be left in the past?

127 replies

SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 15:06

Ok, so many years ago, in my late teens/early twenties, I made the mistake of being, well, popular with the opposite sex. As in, kissing and heavy petting, no sex. And word got round in our small village that I was easy.
I admit I had no self respect. I am ashamed of my past, but that’s just it.
It’s in the past.
I’m now 52. Married, happy and in a decent job.
Recently, dh and I bumped into one of those guys from my past, who knew dh from school, so they got chatting. Anyway, dh said, do you know my wife, sprouts? The guy sneered and said, yes very well, looking me up and down with his eyes. Then the subject got changed and we moved on.
AIBU to think that time has passed, we all make mistakes, and we should move on from them?
I feel so dirty now, and anxious that someone out there remembers me from what I did all those years ago, and not for what is happening in my current life.

OP posts:
elisenbrunnen · 02/02/2018 16:16

Well, don't knee him in the groin for what he did then, op. It wasn't shameful on him either.

Knee him in the groin for how he judged you now., yes.

And yes, you must have been memorable! Good for you.

petbear · 02/02/2018 16:17

Nasty, but very common I'm afraid. People do judge women who have had loads of different men. I was at high school in the 1980's, and so were my cousins and DH and other people I know.

There were several girls we all knew back then who slept around with many boys, and one who slept with 3 at once at a 'house party,' over THIRTY years ago. She had the nickname 'mattress' as she was allegedly always laid out on one. Even now, when people see her, they say 'there's mattress.' It's as if it was yesterday. People still remember her for 'sleeping around....'

And the other small handful of women who were very promiscuous get the same treatment. They have probably only slept with 2 men in 25 years, but still have the 'easy' label.

Rightly or wrongly, some people do judge women who sleep around, Whether we like it or not. Yes, even in 2018. Once you get this repuation around your town, it never leaves you. Women think - and say - that they should be entitled to shag who they want - and yeah they are; but if you choose to do it, don't be surprised if you get labelled as an easy lay, and men start to avoid you because of your reputation.

In fact, I knew one woman (when I was 19 or so,) who slept with anything that moved. She was called some nasty names. A few of her friends started to avoid her and go out without her, in case people thought they were the same as her. And even now (30 years later,) she is still known as 'that bird who shagged any man who would have her.' (Worse insults as well, but I won't say on here...... you can probably guess!)

Judgemental ?? Oh yeah...

And some may say 'why should women not be able to fuck around without being labelled a slag etc?'

I don't know. They just can't. Even in the younger generation now, they judge girls who shag load of different men. They just do. And they always will. And they don't judge the men the same.

Just a cross women have to bear. Wanna shag around; go ahead, but pay the price with a tarnished reputation. For life. I know that won't be a popular view, but it's true............ And saying 'only nasty judgy people will think like this' is bollocks. Most people will think it.

If i were you @sproutswithliverandonions, I'd move 100 miles away. How do you know you are not going to keep bumping into loads of other men you have 'been with?' Confused

Original poster
SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 16:21

It could be @Quarts.

I can’t believe that after all this time, I’d let that get to me.
I need to work on why.

OP posts:
Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 02/02/2018 16:21

She hasnt 'been with' anyone

She snogged some boys...big deal

lolaflores · 02/02/2018 16:23

petbear I am so glad I don't live in whichever century you are in.
Your narrow minded, puritanical world view is Victorian and although you no doubt represent a certain streak of humanity, i hope it is a small one.
Depressing really

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 02/02/2018 16:23

sprouts

I appreciate you feel guilty about the snogging and heavy petting

But that bloke is a complete twat

Thanks
fruitbrewhaha · 02/02/2018 16:25

Why are you ashamed?

There is nothing unusual in snogging boys, it's all part of growing up. If it was so unusual you'd have had trouble finding other people to do it with.

He's a total dickhead.

Original poster
SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 16:26

I didn’t actually shag anyone @petbear.
Does that make a difference????
I’m not moving anywhere.

OP posts:
Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 02/02/2018 16:28

sprouts

My boyfriend once bumped into a boy i had been at school with in the pub

This boy (they were still under 20) told him that i was frigid

HOW THE HELL HE COULD TELL FROM ONE SLOW DANCE AND NO KISS I DONT KNOW...TWAT

BrendasUmbrella · 02/02/2018 16:29

A pervert? That's a bit strong isn't it?

I agree, he's a creepy misogynist.

I would be stunned if I bumped into someone from my past who felt the need to desperately signpost that I once had messed around with them. And in his 50s too. It would be funny if it wasn't pathetic.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2018 16:29

Wanna shag around; go ahead, but pay the price with a tarnished reputation

What the actual fuck are you talking about. You sound like some mad woman from the fifties.

Hygge · 02/02/2018 16:31

He's a creep OP, but you've done nothing wrong.

Please don't feel ashamed about a bit of kissing or petting in your past.

Creeps like him enjoy making people feel embarrassed or ashamed or dirty and they have a knack of knowing just what to say to make that happen.

Don't let him do it to you.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2018 16:34

Honestly if some dude I messed with at 20 came up to me 32 years later and was all lechy and oh yeah, I'd be all "still got it" and crowing to my hubby after. Grin

Original poster
SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 16:38

Maybe I should be glad he remembered @Bluntness
Maybe I still have it 😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
Hygge · 02/02/2018 16:38

petbear - those people you know, who still call that woman 'mattress' for something she did 30 years ago.

Those people are small minded pathetic pieces of shit, with lives so dull they have to spent three decades bullying a woman for something that's fuck all to do with them.

Tell them so next time you hear them name calling. It would be more helpful than your comment on this thread.

MaisieDuke · 02/02/2018 16:41

petbear
You're delightful.

sprouts
This kind of happened to me. I was out of a long term, abusive relationship (broke my heart.)
So in my 20's. I had no self worth at all . Felt utterly crap.
I slept around an awful lot and felt utterly disgusted with myself each time. But for some reason I couldn't stop.

Because of people like petbear I did move away. I met my DH who never once asked me about my sexual past. It didn't matter to him.
I have many friends in my hometown but dread the thought of going back incase I bumped into any if my one night stands.

It hurts to think people have an opinion of you because of things you may have done whilst going through bad times.
In a way I guess it has helped me become a better person.
Because I would never judge anyone in this way.

FaFoutis · 02/02/2018 16:41

petbear I think you got the wrong thread, was that a post for the thread about the 1980s?
Mind you, I shagged anything that moved in the 80s and nobody seemed to mind.

Jux · 02/02/2018 16:44

Well if you were a bloke you'd be ashamed you only fumbled about a bit, and you'd be telling everyone you'd actually shagged every girl you saw, and 30/40 years on you'd be worrying about being found out to have lied about it!

You just did what most teenagers do (though I came from a very Catholic background and strict Catholic girls school, so for us we were sinning against God and making Jesus cry and all that, as well as being slags Grin! In for a penny in for a pound). I'm so glad to see that dd doesn't worry about those silly societal pressures, and that most people these days accept that women are allowed to have a sex drive too.

All of your life - the good bits and the bad bits -- have made you the person you are now. The whole lot has led to the life you have now, where you are happy, loved, loving, secure and so on.

Some guys are just crap. That chap was. He wanted to discomfit you and was making a silly little power play. Just ignore that sort of thing or give a little sneer that'll send him running away, thoroughly abashed.

Original poster
SproutsWithLiverAndOnions · 02/02/2018 16:44

It hurts to think people have an opinion of you because of things you may have done whilst going through bad times.
In a way I guess it has helped me become a better person.
Because I would never judge anyone in this way

Same here @Maisie. On both accounts. Sorry you felt crap too xxx

OP posts:
RavenLG · 02/02/2018 16:45

What Greensleeves said basically.
You did nothing wrong!
No one should slut shame!

Andylion · 02/02/2018 16:52

Actions have consequences I'm afraid. You have to learn to live with your past - accept the person you were, and the person you are now. Maybe you'll be "found out", maybe not.

What’s there to be found out? That OP was a typical teenager?

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 02/02/2018 16:57

What a little bastard to try to humiliate you like that.

OP, you must be his "the one who got away". Grin He was very desperate to publicly declare that you'd been intimate once, wasn't he? Bit of an ego-boost for him, clearly.

elisenbrunnen · 02/02/2018 17:01

Petbear - that attitude, women are sluts if they -youknow, have a good time? You perpetuate it. If you don't challenge it, don't call people out on it, you are part of the problem. Because NO-ONE has the right to bully or belittle any one else - certainly not just one half of a two-some!

told him that i was frigid - and there is the other side of it - you are either a slut, or you're frigid. Angry Frigid is something that is never aimed at a man. Just something they say when the don't get their end away - but if they do, you are a slut.

Who'd be a woman?

BerkInBag · 02/02/2018 17:08

If i were you @sproutswithliverandonions, I'd move 100 miles away. How do you know you are not going to keep bumping into loads of other men you have 'been with?

Are you joking? You have to be joking? What a stupid comment.

OP I shivered when I read your post. It resonates. I'm a similar age to you and the attitudes to "loose" girls in my small community were similar. You really didn't do anything wrong. Please don't hold onto that idea for a second longer. Do try and understand why still hold that belief about yourself so that you can hopefully begin the process of neutralising it for good.

Jux · 02/02/2018 17:11

I wonder if you had such a strong reaction simply because he was such a slimeball? If he'd become a really nice man with a lovely wife whom he adored, and so on, then maybe you wouldn't feel so shit about having known him? (In other words, perhaps it's not you, it's him?)