To think this should be left in the past?

[SproutsWithLiverAndOnions]

Ok, so many years ago, in my late teens/early twenties, I made the mistake of being, well, popular with the opposite sex. As in, kissing and heavy petting, no sex. And word got round in our small village that I was easy.
I admit I had no self respect. I am ashamed of my past, but that’s just it.
It’s in the past.
I’m now 52. Married, happy and in a decent job.
Recently, dh and I bumped into one of those guys from my past, who knew dh from school, so they got chatting. Anyway, dh said, do you know my wife, sprouts? The guy sneered and said, yes very well, looking me up and down with his eyes. Then the subject got changed and we moved on.
AIBU to think that time has passed, we all make mistakes, and we should move on from them?
I feel so dirty now, and anxious that someone out there remembers me from what I did all those years ago, and not for what is happening in my current life.

Sprouts-Please don't beat yourself up, that man is a dick and I don't think he's slept with that many women if he remembers some fumble from thirty years ago.

Nothing whatsoever in the past matters, it's all about looking forwards.i have done some horrendous things, my adult self is disgusted by, but it's all water under the bridge.

If i were you @sproutswithliverandonions, I'd move 100 miles away. How do you know you are not going to keep bumping into loads of other men you have 'been with?' confused

Some threads do have 'em.

Is there misogynist convention somewhere that sends all the arseholes our way?

As long as any sexual behaviour is age appropriate and consensual, FILL YOUR BOOTS. Or don't. Your choice. There should be no shame or guilt as long as it is consensual and legal.

OP it really is something you need to look at in yourself. You're carrying around a lot of needless guilt and angst. About a bit of snogging and frottage!

I know you won't but part of me wishes that if he says something like, "yes very well" you could say, "I remember you too" and put up your little pinkie finger. Because he's a gross misogynist who deserves shame. For the misogyny, not the snogging.

I remember a lecture from my mum that sounds not disimiar in tone to *petbear. The twisted view it gave me of my own sexuality and the, supposedly, unbridled urge of men has cost me a fortune in therapists and left the whole topic of sex a mess.
petbear it is my genuine wish you you are not a ghost from the 1950s but most likely you are a wind up merchant.

What a deeply unpleasant little toad that man is. I'm so very sorry he made you feel like that. Please try to just put him out of your mind. He's a total shit.

Is there misogynist convention somewhere that sends all the arseholes our way?
Maybe there’s a ‘misogynist’s-net’ I can just imagine the AIBU board on that...

I think we need guidlines on how to brazen your face off to the next misogynist/throwback that we have the misfortune to encounter.
There must be training in how to tackle these fuckers head on and not let the embarrasment take over and let them off the hook.
"I'm brazen. Don't try it" Hows that for a slogan

Haven't RTFT but.....

That guys a sad, pathetic, sexist creep.

And....

I have no shame in stating I have slept with over a hundred people.

All entirely consensual, mainly enjoyable (sadly you don't find out someone's shit in bed unless you shag em!) and I don't regret a thing.

Why should anyone be ashamed of enjoying their sexuality??

If anyone judges me for my past, it's them who have the problem.

Don't internalise the slut shaming.

I have a similar past to you. Very fucked up home life meant my self esteem was on the floor when I was a teen. I fooled around with a lot of guys in our village, everyone knew.

I used to look back and cringe with hot, burning shame. But then I really interrogated why I was feeling like that. It was just internalising other people's judgements. I don't judge myself harshly for being vulnerable and making mistakes. And I don't have a fuck to give about what other random people think of me. There were plenty enough people having affairs and whatever in my village.

It takes two people doesn't it? Why should the shame be yours and not his? But then again, why should there be any shame at all??

Oh and someone from many years ago brought up my past recently and all I could think of was 'how unsohpisticated of them to still be holding women to different sexual standards than men. I mean, all I did was shag around like men do all the time. It really did show them up as a bit of a backwards-thinking, small-minded knob.

Jesus@lola, thats awful. Sorry that has happened to you.
Funny,. I remember now something my Mum said to me when I first started my periods. “You’re a woman now Sprouts (followed by big sigh) Oh well, never mind”.
There are one too many petbears in this world.

Oh and my "sleeping around" had nothing to do with self esteem, or attention seeking, or any of the other stuff like that.

I just like sex.
I really really like sex.
Am in a monogamous relationship....still really really like sex.

I am not ashamed, or embarassed.

I see some people I have slept with all the time, some of them are my friends.

It really makes me very very fucking angry that women are not allowed by society to explore their sexuality without fear of a "reputation" and gossip.

As far as I am concerned it comes down to these simple rules.

If it is......
Fully Consenting Adults
Safe

Then it's all gravy.

It is no one elses business, ever, what you choose to do sexually.

People think it's their business, because sadly the world is full of judgemental pearl clutchers who cannot imagine a life, or opinion different to their own.

Nothing to feel bad about - it sounds as though you didn't value yourself much, and you were doing this not for fun, but as a way of gaining some kind of worth - then not liking yourself very much because it didn't work. So many women get caught in that loop. I know several women who were very free and easy about sex when they were younger. One did it because it was fun. She found she enjoyed sex and went out and got as much as she could. She's settled down now - in fact she's a grandmother in her fifties - and doesn't feel at all bad about what she did when she was younger. Another was more like you, wasn't confident, did things she felt uncomfortable about and carries a weight of very unnecessary guilt. We talk about it sometimes and she agrees she shouldn't feel like this, but she can't stop herself. She is having some therapy around self-worth and self-esteem and is starting to see things differently, but I think so many of us get totally fucked up about sex (no pun intended). I'm sorry you feel bad - you don't need to.

Goodness OP, I'm in my 40s and whenever I'm single I like to kiss and fool around with men I date. Heck I even sleep with them if I feel like it. That is what the majority of people do. Just consider yourself wise for never getting more involved with that particular piece of slime. Well done x

It was just internalising other people's judgements

@KnowYourPlace. Something for me to think about.

Sorry you went through that too 💐

Oh op he sounds like a complete knob.
I have so say I completely understand
I live in a small town & unlike you I did sleep about. 20 yrs later & people still feel it's OK to talk about it. Or worse make sly comments in front of my children about my past (luckily they are too young at the moment to get the inuendos)
I used to want the ground to swallow me up. Now I have learnt to own my past.
I didn't hurt anyone, didn't sleep with anyone's boyfriends/partners
I was broken hearted & lost & looking for a way to feel better. All the crap choices I made led to me meeting the right man at the right time & beginning our family.
Others small town judgements can swivel.

Don't be ashamed of your past it led you to where you are now.

Maybe I would have enjoyed it more if my home life/ I wasn’t so screwed up.

It’s crap that so many people are still judgemental. Especially in this day and age.

OP - I had a past like yours. i lived in a small town - where i couldn't even hold hands with a boy, without it getting home to mum and dad. And it was always me who was the 'shameful one' even though the boy was also holding hands with me! Funnily enough, he never got called names.

even now, mum thinks women should be virginal and 'ladylike'. Not go in pubs. Not smoke. Not drink - only scarlet women smoke, drink and have sex.

Strangly, she also thinks my uncle (her brother, with dementia) is 'lying' all the time when he is remembering/living in his past. He is 'showing himself up' when he talks lies. It's all about what people might think! Very hard to break away from.

But not impossible.

Sprouts I think that mans reaction to you was one of those male power moves. They enjoy seeing women squirm. But let me assure you, he is in a shrinking population.

I used to feel as you did. I did things I wasn't proud of but i found out they were a symptom of a range of experiences that I was trying to stamp out.
That has taken time and therapy. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You sound a descent person who deserves to lighten up on yourself.
Ask yourself this. Would you want a friend to suffer the way you are now?
If not. Then think of ways to help you alieveiate the shame on the younger you. She doesn't deserve it and neither do you.

I have, and always had, great self esteem. I also had a lot of great, carefree sex in my unattached youth. Had a similar comment from a bystander from those days only last month, when he realised he couldn't win a political point scoring contest with me. How sad he had to stoop so low. People reading the thread wasted no time in pointing out that while he was on the sidelines being bitter of the fun I had, he was developing an alcohol habit so severe he is obese and housebound.

Never, ever apologise for having fun and being free. The problem is all theirs.

Don't internalise the slut shaming

This. You are ace. He is creepy.

The only thing that stands out to me from your op is that the man you met is a deeply unpleasant, bitter person who has a vile attitude to women.

^^ this!

OP literally everyone I know had a similarly 'exerimental' youth - the fact that he would refer to it so many years later speaks volumes - about him not you. What a loser.

This thread is really bugging me. I feel bad for you op and it's horrible that you feel shame over something that is no big deal. BUT you keep saying that didn't have sex with them, like that would have been truly awful. I had sex a lot in my teens/ early 20's what does that make me in your opinion?

Should this situation ever recur; just look them straight in the eye and say, "How sad that you have not learnt any manners since we last met." Follow this up with a sigh and mutter, "How very disappointing."

Nofucks I come from a place with a similar double standard. It doesn't matter if you had sex or didn't. What matters was you were seen as available. The details of what occured are not the issue here, the issue is that she is being shamed for something perfectly natural and normal.
The OP was shamed by someone about HER past.
Not yours.
Other women have shared their past sexual histories and OP has not shamed any of them.