To think this should be left in the past?

[SproutsWithLiverAndOnions]

Ok, so many years ago, in my late teens/early twenties, I made the mistake of being, well, popular with the opposite sex. As in, kissing and heavy petting, no sex. And word got round in our small village that I was easy.
I admit I had no self respect. I am ashamed of my past, but that’s just it.
It’s in the past.
I’m now 52. Married, happy and in a decent job.
Recently, dh and I bumped into one of those guys from my past, who knew dh from school, so they got chatting. Anyway, dh said, do you know my wife, sprouts? The guy sneered and said, yes very well, looking me up and down with his eyes. Then the subject got changed and we moved on.
AIBU to think that time has passed, we all make mistakes, and we should move on from them?
I feel so dirty now, and anxious that someone out there remembers me from what I did all those years ago, and not for what is happening in my current life.

I do wonder why you feel so bad about what sounds like a perfectly normal past, though. Did something happen that you weren't ready for, or that made you feel violated?

I just think it's sad that you're feeling dirty and carrying around all this guilt when you haven't even done anything wrong.

Jesus - how is this a 'thing' to be worried about?

You were young and enjoyed kissing and intimate contact. Sounds like a good thing to me.

I've met people my DH has been intimate with in the past and he's met people I have too. I'd probably tell him if we ran into one now and we'd giggle about it.

Such a non-issue. Is your DH making life tricky for you over it? Or are you catastrophising?

Greensleeves that's why I suggested counselling. I think the OP would benefit from putting this all into perspective with someone objective

I don't mean any offence but your attitude is really odd - is it because of the era you grew up in? What's all the nonsense about karma biting you?? In what way has it bitten you, and what for? You didn't do anything!!

The guy you bumped into is a horrible cockwipe of course and he shouldn't have been so rude to you. But you have nothing to feel bad about.

You could look at it as having been ahead of your time? Even if it was frowned upon then, it isn't now!

Better than doing it and not regetting it at all

What? Why?

I kissed a shit ton of boys before I met my husband, I was actually voted as the girl who had the most boyfriends in my final year at school. I was two weeks and you're dumped, there was always another one asking me out..

No one ever called me easy, I was to put it bluntly, pretty and asked out on a lot of dates.

I'd a brilliant youth. What's to be ashamed of?

Is this some form of weird post where you just want to attack women who have varied relationships/intimacies so you're dressing it up as you?

Maybe if it happens in future you could just look mystified and say ‘really? You’ve obviously got a better memory than me then, I don’t remember a thing’
It’s such an obvious double standard isn’t it- why does he think he can be sneery over it when he was half of the action.

When I say moved on I mentally. I don't even remember what I did last week let alone some
Girl who frisked with a few boys ten years ago. It's irrelevant to my life now. I'm sure most normal people share the same mentality. Unfortunately this man is not one of them.

But presumably, you've grown with the times and now fully understand that there is nothing even remotely wrong with having a kiss and a fumble. Hell, even a shag. At almost any age really, taking laws and so on into account
Yes, I do understand that, so it came as a bit of shock, the feelings that came back.
I came from an unhappy childhood, no role model, dad ran round after mother so no real role model from him (was that what it was?) mother emotionally distant. Left school with no qualifications.
I get that maybe it was the only attention I ever got, if that makes sense?
I’m proud of what I achieved since, but those feelings of shame were engulfing..

You have done absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

I am your age and I had lots of fun at that age, as did lots of my friends. Kiss, petting and sex are normal activities for adults of all ages.

Sounds like he was a bit creepy.

It’s such an obvious double standard isn’t it- why does he think he can be sneery over it when he was half of the action
Exactly @Slightly
I thought I’d forgotten myself...

You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of!

Try not to worry about it, I know it's easier said than done. We all made mistakes when we were young due to a lack of self-esteem or whatever reason. Many men like to exaggerate their experiences so pretend that that's all there is to it.

It is most definitely in the past so leave it there.

Karma has bit me on the bum, hasn’t it, come round full circle.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!

You engaged in consensual activities that you hopefully enjoyed.

You did NOTHING wrong. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Bless you Sprouts. This man was an arse to you and it caused all sorts of painful memories to pop up.

I want you to know, he is wrong about you and you didn't do anything wrong. Your childhood hurt a lot and you felt alone, and that wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve that.

Having intimate contact with boys when you were young is not something to be ashamed of. It wasn't then, it isn't now.

I think you're mixing up the nasty judgement of this person from your youth, with feelings that are left over from your parents being shit / things going wrong when you were young, and it's knocking you for six a bit. It's normal to feel mixed up and upset when someone does something that causes those feelings/memories to come rushing back. Some folk call this "being triggered". Take care of yourself for the next few hours or days, the way you feel is temporary and will pass.

But don't let your feelings scare you into believing that you EVER did wrong by spending time with boys. You were not in the wrong. You were being a normal young girl.

On the positive side you obviously developed a far better taste in men as you got older

@Grunkle.

Virtuous? Eh?
Er,
I don’t know. All my life (before I went NC with my parents), I was/ maybe still conditioned to feel shame for just being human.
I certainly do not think I’m a better person than anybody else.
If I thought that, I wouldn’t have posted this.

Ah, well that explains a lot. You are revisiting old shame, rather than current shame. You may want a bit of counselling to help you move on from what sounds like a tough start. You have clearly moved on in your life, but a little bit of you is still trapped there. I had some trauma counselling which really helped me.

I get that maybe it was the only attention I ever got, if that makes sense?

I also want to just say that this ^ sounds like you are trying to explain why it was ok or understandable that you'd be a bit boy crazy when you were young.

I just want you to remember that it is NORMAL to be boy crazy. Many many girls out there with perfect, involved dads have been and will in future be boy crazy - because human beings love to be close to each other. That's normal and healthy.

Our culture shames girls for having normal sexuality. It tells them they are "that way" because there must be something wrong with them, it must be because they come from a bad family, etc. But that isn't true, it's bullshit, don't let that taint your view of yourself.

As the saying goes, before you meet the handsome prince you have to kiss a lot of frogs.

You have done nothing wrong. I did a lot more than petting in my teens and I had a great time! I wonder why you have such a great sense of shame, OP. Were your parents very old fashioned?

Do you think for one moment that creepy bloke is feeling guilt/shame/regret?

Have you heard of Complex PTSD? It's different from normal PTSD in that it doesn't result from a single catastrophic event, but rather from a sustained period of feeling trapped/overwhelmed by shame or fear or sadness, usually from a rotten childhood.

Flashbacks with CPTSD aren't usually the full-on "reliving the event" version that people associate with PTSD. Instead people with CPTSD get "emotional flashbacks", which means that when a trigger occurs (like you meeting that twat in the shop) you experience "flooding" when all the feelings you felt as a child (shame, worthlessness, fear) come rushing back and overwhelm you.

I may be seeing CPTSD everywhere because I got diagnosed with it a few months ago, but it may be worth you thinking about.

You feel bad because society tells you that what would be an ‘achievement’ for a man is shameful for a woman because women should be ‘chaste’ and men should be virile.

But of course women should also be sexy, fun and available. Whilst being unavailable. You see why you feel bad? It’s unachievable and in fact totally unnatural, yet still even women support this stance, with terms like ‘slut’ ‘whore’ ‘easy’..

It’s a horrible horrible world sometimes growing up as a girl.