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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to query the wait for a funeral

147 replies

obviousNC101 · 02/02/2018 10:23

Obviously needed to NC for this...

My grandfather died middle of last week. My grandmother and sister went to the undertakers yesterday and have a date for the funeral of the end of this month - 5 weeks after he died.

They say that this was the first date avaiable due to time of year and demand, To me, 5 weeks seems an awfully long time to wait for a funeral... is this normal in the UK?

I have a sneaking suspicion that it was pushed back to accommodate someone not very close's holiday... so im asking before i make a twat of myself and ask my sister if that's true...

OP posts:

Laine21 · 03/02/2018 02:27

Sorry for your loss,
this time of year is always a busy time, (friend has a funeral business) the weather can also massively effect the time scale, either the ground is too hard to dig if there has been snow or frost in the area, then that would delay funeral, creating a backlog, or if the weather has been too wet, the open graves can fill with water if the land is waterlogged, and that would be a disaster!

Bastardingcough · 03/02/2018 02:36

I work in wakes.
It used to be that we'd get about a weeks notice of a booking. Now it's easily 3 weeks year round, with 5-6 weeks not uncommon in winter.

Thermowoman · 03/02/2018 02:38

This thread is a real eye opener. I’m Irish and the thought of waiting a month or more for a funeral is just horrifying to me! My FIL died last year and his cremation was delayed from the customary 3 days after death to five days so that my husband had time to fly back from Australia! It was a scramble for him to get back but the thought of waiting a month is just awful!

HelenaDove · 03/02/2018 02:40

5 weeks is a normal wait in winter. Im sorry to hear of Mners losses

PERF someone actually moaned because you closed the coffin lid. Words Fail

Seeingadistance · 03/02/2018 03:02

I conduct funeral services, and yes, many elderly people do die in winter. Summer heatwaves can also result in more deaths. Extremes of temperature are not kind to those who are already frail.

The funeral directors I work with have all said that they have been unusually busy over the past couple of months, and I currently have almost as many funerals in my diary as I had for the last six months of last year. Colleagues throughout Scotland are also experiencing this sudden rise in funerals, and much longer waits between death and funeral service - if it's a cremation. Three weeks wait for a cremation in my area. Normally, it's about a week.

The long wait is very hard on the families.

goodyzoe · 03/02/2018 03:10

I'm sorry for your loss.

Is there more than one cemetery / crematorium you could use, potentially?

Is there more than one funeral directors near you?

You can ring around cemeteries / crematoriums and ask yourself. And you could change funeral directors if you want to.

Seeingadistance · 03/02/2018 03:32

@goodyzoe It seems that the OP's grandmother and sister have already made the funeral arrangements, so for the OP to try to make other arrangements independently of them wouldn't be helpful or compassionate.

It does also seem from many posts on this thread, that such long waits are not unusual at this time of year in some areas. I know that in my own area the funeral directors are contacting all the local crematoria, and all are equally busy. Some families are choosing to go a little further to get an earlier date, but really they're only gaining a day or two at most. All the time slots in all the crematoria around here are booked up for at least three weeks.

MissWimpyDimple · 03/02/2018 04:01

I think that's on the long side of normal. My dad died recently and we managed to get him cremated the day after Boxing Day which was a week after his death. It was hard work though getting everything together so quickly.

MissWimpyDimple · 03/02/2018 04:02

WaitrosePigeon · 03/02/2018 04:47

A member of my family and a close family friend have died recently and there has been a 4 week wait.

Sorry for your loss.

ivykaty44 · 03/02/2018 04:57

Apparently people don’t like Friday 13 for funerals so that is a quite day at the crematorium

ivykaty44 · 03/02/2018 05:08

www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-sh/dissolving_the_dead

This will be the future for funeral as it is a far greener process, it’s the same process your body would go through if buried but sped up to 90 minutes

sashh · 03/02/2018 05:11

My mum died on New Year's eve, we had to wait because the crematorium is closed over the Xmas period and so there are a lot of funerals just after. I can't remember the actual date but it was late jan early feb.

Longdistance · 03/02/2018 05:15

My df passed away in the summer. It took about 3 weeks. It can be dependent on several factors. When the church/crematorium have spaces. When the FD aren’t conducting another funeral (if they’re a small establishment), and as previously mentioned time of year, also the paperwork such as getting a death certificate in place.

I wish they’d be faster in this country. My dps country has a funeral sorted within days. It’s never longer than a week.

for your loss op

endofthelinefinally · 03/02/2018 05:36

We had my son's funeral 4 weeks after he died.
Of course we had to wait for the pm and permissiin from the coroner.
Even so, I couldn't have pulled myself together to organise it any earlier. It would have been a shambles.
As it was, I was able to get it right, and over 300 people we able to attend.
I agree with everyone saying the delay is due to the shortage of crematoria.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 03/02/2018 05:40

My family are Jewish and we tend to get rather rapid burials. I do believe a lot of it comes down to religious practices.

For what it's worth, I used to work as a pathologist's assistant in a mortuary (not in the U.K.). The 'death through natural causes' deceased could take up to 6 weeks to be released for burial, mostly depending on cause of death.

I really don't hope you think my post insensitive - I'm just weighing in as someone who used to work in that area. I'm sorry for your loss

diodati · 03/02/2018 05:54

I think your question is perfectly legitimate; not selfish or unfeeling at all! My uncle, who was also my godfather, died three weeks before Xmas and there was no funeral at all. Just an obituary in the paper. Weird.

diodati · 03/02/2018 05:55

Sorry for your loss, OP. Please don't pay any attention to the snarky posts!

Angrybird345 · 03/02/2018 06:32

Why can’t it wait another week until you are back from holiday? Surely your dm/df should have known you’d be away.

andypandy55 · 03/02/2018 08:03

It's normal I'm afraid. My dad died 3rd January, funeral is the 8th Feb. It's a cremation, so only so many services can be done in one day, about 20 mins for the service and 10 mins to allow people to get in and out. A bit like a conveyor belt. When my mum died in the late 1960s, she died on the Saturday and was cremated on the Wednesday.

Original poster

obviousNC101 · 03/02/2018 08:40

Thanks for sharing everyone. Really sorry for the losses shared here.

To those who have asked... I can't really change anything now. I'm only really upset about it because the very last conversation I had with my grandad two days before he died was about this bloody holiday - he told me about the scar on his leg which he got from skiing (I'm going skiing) and told me to "enjoy"... talk about bad timing!!

OP posts:

scaussie75 · 03/02/2018 22:00

Firstly, sorry for your loss.
We had to wait 10 days for dh in November and it was torturous. His birthday was in between death day and funeral day too. I feel for you.
We are athiest and it was hard, I wondered at the time how those with religious and cultural beliefs whereby a body must be buried in 1-2 days cope.
I think it's worth a call to the directors and just explain how hurtful and torturous this wait is.
I wonder if there is an ombudsman for funeral and burial industry as the length of time waiting and the frequency it is happening is getting more common.

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