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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to query the wait for a funeral

147 replies

obviousNC101 · 02/02/2018 10:23

Obviously needed to NC for this...

My grandfather died middle of last week. My grandmother and sister went to the undertakers yesterday and have a date for the funeral of the end of this month - 5 weeks after he died.

They say that this was the first date avaiable due to time of year and demand, To me, 5 weeks seems an awfully long time to wait for a funeral... is this normal in the UK?

I have a sneaking suspicion that it was pushed back to accommodate someone not very close's holiday... so im asking before i make a twat of myself and ask my sister if that's true...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 11:00

Clearly there is more to this but op got her answer. It is common for it to be up to 5 weeks for a funeral.

Woofygoldberg · 02/02/2018 11:00

Rinceoir I wondered the same about the delay, we were in a horrid limbo for 4 weeks but in a way had started to return a little to normal back to work & school etc.

On one hand it didn't feel rushed but at the same time I felt that the funeral re-ignited the grief, it caused me such an emotional wobble, flash backs etc .....like starting the grieving process over again.

PositivelyPERF · 02/02/2018 11:00

I don’t know how people cope, having to wait so long. It must be so difficult. Three days is the norm here, in NI. I had to wait for five days, for my dear husband’s funeral and I don’t think I could have coped any longer. However it’s traditional here, amongst Catholics, to have the body at home and an open coffin. I actually had someone complaining to me because I closed the coffin on the third day. The stands were placed incorrectly under my husband’s coffin. I won’t go into details, but it was horrific.

It is none of your business if the poor women has delayed the funeral. She has her own reasons and to start questioning those, even if it is your sister you’re asking, is crass. She has lost her husband. Show some respect, FFS.

Megs4x3 · 02/02/2018 11:01

Sorry to hear of your bereavement. Sadly, this is the norm for this time of year. My father died recently too and when arranging the date, the first available was 3 weeks out and if we didn't accept that one the wait could have been another 2 weeks. It's actually quite hard to co-ordinate the church, and a crematorium at times that work together. Grief is odd - I got lots of questions as to why I had agreed to the date because one or two of my relatives thought they should have been consulted, even though they had said that they wanted nothing to do with the arrangements in the first place. There's no pleasing some people, and your poor Nan is probably doing the best she possibly can. those few days making arrangements are still a bit of a blur for me.

NataliaOsipova · 02/02/2018 11:03

I would have said the same as you - ridiculous length of time - but my DH's aunt died recently and that was a four or five week time lag before they could get a slot.

Sorry for your loss and about your missed holiday.

Veterinari · 02/02/2018 11:07

I’m English but live in Scotland. Funerals definitely happen faster here. Not sure why 4-5 weeks is the norm in England

BanyanTree · 02/02/2018 11:13

It could be. We had someone die in our family and one of my relatives asked if they could postpone for 3 weeks so they didn't miss their holiday. I think I would tell someone to do one if they asked this of me. That wait between death and burial is hard and burying someone means you can start the grieving process properly.

TSSDNCOP · 02/02/2018 11:15

Where I am it takes ages to get the Registrar appointment, had to go 25 miles even though there’s one half a mile away. Then the crem is likely to be busy. We pulled my dad’s off in 2 weeks in October but it was a push and only achievable as we used a small undertaker that knew all the tricks.

MrsPreston11 · 02/02/2018 11:17

No I think it's standard. Month wait here for a recent funeral.

Triskaidekaphilia · 02/02/2018 11:20

DGM died 2 weeks ago and the crematorium is booked up til March! It is an awfully long time but colleague whose DP is a funeral director said it is sadly normal for this time of year.

CheesyWeez · 02/02/2018 11:23

My dad's funeral was in January (years ago) and a two-week wait. As the funeral was so long in coming we were over the first shock, and everyone had had time to see his body at the FD if they wanted, arrange time off work etc. So a lot of people could come, which I appreciated. Then we had a spread in his favourite pub and to be honest it turned into a party he would have liked to have been at.
Although we feel a bit lost in our grief until the funeral comes, a later funeral can be more helpful in saying goodbye.

woodlanddreamer · 02/02/2018 11:26

We only had to wait a couple of weeks in January 2 years ago, but we didn't have much choice of times, so if people are travelling you can't really have it at 10am. I understand that there are often long waits at this time of year, my sympathies are with you (although, to be honest, if we'd only had a week to organise it things would have been a little tight, 2 weeks is probably about right).

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 02/02/2018 11:30

There was a very similar thread on here just before xmas and the consensus was that sort of wait is average atm, I'm afraid.
My mother didn't do a funeral for my grandmother last autumn due to family distance and circs but we still had a long wait just to get a cremation slot- we got a 9am.

Dagnabit · 02/02/2018 11:33

My sister died a few weeks ago and we have to wait 4 weeks and a day until her funeral. Apparently, if it were to be a burial, she would have had it the week after but there is backlog for cremations. Unfortunately, lots of people die at this time of year but it is an awful long wait

JaneEyre70 · 02/02/2018 11:35

My FIL died 2 years ago, and we were horrified by the 4 week funeral wait. It took a week for the bereavement office at the hospital to produce the death certificate and then another week to get a register office appointment. We had a holiday booked, luckily only in the UK but we had a very sympathetic undertaker who got a crem slot for the day before we went away. This was in June, so I'd hate to think of the times at this time of year. I used to work in an undertakers many years ago and there are a lot of cogs that turn very slowly.

Can you talk to your family about your holiday and explain that you're finding it hard to sort out? It may be worth a go, especially if you think someone else's holiday has factored in the date. I'm sorry for your loss.

Seeingadistance · 02/02/2018 11:35

I'm in Scotland and the wait is currently 3 weeks in my area, which is pretty much unheard of here. In other parts of the UK, where 4 weeks seems to be the norm, then 5 weeks would seem to be right.

I'm more curious about the fact that the OP seems to think that her recently bereaved grandmother would lie about something like this.

Notasunnybunny · 02/02/2018 11:36

It is peak season so to speak, there was almost certainly earlier slots but when people say the first date available they mean the first one at the time they wanted, if you are happy to take the 8am or the 4.45pm then you’ll probably get something but generally people want late morning /early afternoon

Original poster

obviousNC101 · 02/02/2018 11:36

Anyfucker - i never said i asnt going to cancel my holiday. My problem is that i have to put 5 other people in a bit of a difficult situation. I will do it and manage it of course, but no need to jum to conclusions.

The other posters are right. I was just a bit concerned that we were accommodating my rather wealthy uncle's holiday - given that he's seen my G-rents all of about 4 times in 10 years despite only living an hour away, i was a bit miffed at the prospect of being the one to cancel. As it happens, the answers here suggest that that isnt the case, so i have dropped the point.

No need to imply that I am a selfish person because, really, im not.

OP posts:

honeylulu · 02/02/2018 11:38

Month here (England) is standard, often longer if the death is during December or early Jan because there is a backlog - sorry to be crass.
My MIL's funeral ended up being about six weeks as she died a few days before Christmas, we had to arrange her relatives coming from the U.S., then it snowed horrendously on the day and the funeral was cancelled and rescheduled for 10 days later.

The only funerals in recent years that have happened quickly were my grandparents who wanted a private cremation (we had immediate family attending a very short service in the undertakers chapel - the cremation was done later with no ceremony/guests) and a thanksgiving service in their former parish church a couple of months later.

I also think it's worth saying that (here anyway) there has been a definite move towards funerals being a celebration of life, so often the loved ones want to plan and personalise it, and often they do want everyone to have the chance to attend if possible which takes a bit more time to organise. The funerals I attended as a child were very much "one size fits all".

Oato · 02/02/2018 11:42

My dad's was 4.5 weeks after he died - first available suitable time at the crematorium. We could've had a slightly earlier time if we had gone for a very early or late slot or midweek but we wanted it on a Friday as people were travelling far.

I'm glad we had that time. I felt that the funeral was properly planned and we were mentally ready for it.

theunsure · 02/02/2018 11:44

As others have said,this time of year there is a long wait if you want it at a good time of day. It's been my experience to have a wait of at least 3 weeks for winter funerals.

We had a choice the other year of either a 2 weeks wait for a 9am start (which didn't work for everyone that needed to travel as most people weren't anywhere local). Or a 4-5 week wait for a late morning service. We went with the latter.

specialsubject · 02/02/2018 11:44

if it is a cremation there will be a wait. 70 million people, no extra facilities from when we were 50 million.

sorry for your loss.

bananafish81 · 02/02/2018 11:45

That's a real eye opener that a wait like that is normal

I'm Jewish and our funerals are held the following day, unless there's a need for an autopsy (or the person dies on a Friday, in which case the funeral is postponed until the Sunday, which is what happened with my Mum)

Someoneasdumbasthis · 02/02/2018 11:48

totally normal, my FIL was 5 weeks wait as they were backed up at the crematorium.

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2018 11:48

You can often get first thing in the morning, no one wants that slot because people can't get there if they have to travel. Otherwise crematorium always stretched in winter. Ideally a week or so is ideal, time to let people know, have compassionate leave if appropriate to make arrangements, but soon enough to let grieving start, and not have to go back to work first.
Muslim and Jewish funerals (usual burial) happen very soon, within 3 days and it's accepted not everyone can get there, rituals at home continue, have a memorial maybe stonesetting later. Caribbean families often wait weeks for everyone to come from abroad, and funeral can last for days.

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