to query the wait for a funeral

[obviousNC101]

Obviously needed to NC for this...

My grandfather died middle of last week. My grandmother and sister went to the undertakers yesterday and have a date for the funeral of the end of this month - 5 weeks after he died.

They say that this was the first date avaiable due to time of year and demand, To me, 5 weeks seems an awfully long time to wait for a funeral... is this normal in the UK?

I have a sneaking suspicion that it was pushed back to accommodate someone not very close's holiday... so im asking before i make a twat of myself and ask my sister if that's true...

Agree with other posters, but it may also be delayed due to a required post mortem if he hadn't seen a doctor within a certain period of time (2 weeks?) / the death was unexpected. Happened with my DGF who was in his 80s when he died in his sleep.

Seems to me that that does not give people time to grieve, and sorting out the practicalities is a nightmare when you just lost someone and are in a daze. Like other PPs, I also wondered which wast best - short or long wait. Still can't make up my mind. I think 5 weeks is such a long wait it would make it harder for me personally.

sticky I can only speak for myself, but I was beyond grateful that my mother's funeral happened so quickly after she died. 48h later rather than 24h later gave family more notice, and we had time to write eulogies, but I'd have hated it to have been any longer.

There's very little practicalities to take care of. The synagogue and funeral director take care of sorting things out. We just had to take the death certificate into the funeral home that evening.

In the Jewish tradition the mourning happens after the dead are buried - the bereaved family sits 'shiva', and people come to the house. Everyone also brings food - essentially it's a duty to take care of the mourners.

So when people come to the shiva house the evening of the funeral, it's not like a wake where the guests have to be catered for. It's the reverse . There isn't much to have to organise for the funeral itself

I'm in Scotland too. Funerals are usually done within a week. Even ten days is a long time- only rarely have I heard of someone waiting that long.
Typically it is around 5-6 days.

It depends on the area and time of year and whether it's a burial or cremation. It took 2 weeks for a date for my nan's funeral but almost 5 for my mum's, both were January. Burials would have been quicker but neither would have wanted that.

Most of the other funerals on my mums side have been within a few days whether cremation or burial but my mum's family are Catholic, mostly in Ireland and Liverpool, and the funerals tend to be very fast no matter what time of year it is.

There's not much that can be done to reduce waiting times, especially for cremations, as only so many can be done each day. Sadly I've organised several funerals in the last few years and it's the crematorium that held things up, burial would have had less waiting but wasn't always what was wanted.

Banana I agree that a short time waiting for the funeral is "better" if you can call it that. The longer wait for my mum's funeral was torturous for me. Between my mum dieing and the funeral I felt like I was in limbo and couldn't begin to grieve properly. Once the funeral was over I felt a sense of closure and that I'd been able to say goodbye properly. I still felt as much pain but it was different in a way, it never goes away but that feeling of limbo lifts.

Waited 3 weeks for sister's funeral in Oct last year, so that it was less stressful for her beloved son to attend- he is a head teacher and the funeral took place in half term which I thought perfectly reasonable.

I think the paperwork depends alot on if it is a sudden death, suspicious death, or someone who has been ill for a while. When I arranged my uncles funeral I was told I could have an early slot, 8.30 or 9 am any day I wanted but it gets busier at certain times e.g. families have to travel a couple of hours so don't want it before 11 and probably not after 3 so they can have a "do" and still get home. I was told Fridays were hard as if family had a distance to travel they might want to stay overnight so Friday lunchtime onwards was busy.

This was all for a crem.

Forgot to say uncle's funeral was December and was 5 days after he died. If we wanted a Friday pm it would have been 4 weeks.

Such an eye opener for me too. I’m used to funerals being the next day, or even the same day of they can manage it. I can’t begin to imagine waiting weeks

1 1/2 week here in Cumbria at crematorium and that’s with an autopsy

Why does it matter to you how long the delay is?
My mum died in September and it was a month before her funeral, for various reasons - I was amazed at all the speculation about why there was such a long delay.

@Bindibot, any idea why it is so quick is Ireland?

My family is Irish and several of us missed our Granny's and Aunt's funerals as they were arranged within 2 days at really busy periods and we literally couldn't get a seat on a plane or space on a ferry. That was back in the 80s and I still wish they'd delayed by a few days so we could have got there.

When another aunt died in 1999, she died on the Wednesday night and the funeral was at 9am on the Friday morning, so really not a lot of time to get there ! I did manage to get to that funeral.

Presumably, more people in Ireland and Northern Ireland are buried than cremated? We're church goers and in both cases, had swift funerals for DF's parents (despite GDG dying on January 2) because a) our vicar prioritised us and b) both were buried in the churchyard. For my DM's parents, because they wanted cremation services, it took longer, especially in the case of my DGF, who had to have a post-mortem as his death was "sudden"

Actually, maybe someone could explain that for me? This isn't intended to be a me-rail, but it seemed a bit odd: he was 95 and suffering heart failure, and was discharged by the cardiologist when there was nothing further that could be done. He had been to his GP in the morning, feeling unwell, and was told to pack a bag and go to the hospital. He had a massive heart attack at home, and "died" in A and E. My DP arrived to find him on a stretcher and with the police waiting: they apparently had to check his body (?) and then also went to his home. Is that sop? (His neighbour was with him at the time for all this) Tbf, we were more upset by the PM than the delay to the funeral

Sorry for your loss, OP

@TwattyMcTwatface Maybe that's it - I haven't been to a burial in the UK for years, so I've got no idea how long it takes to arrange those

@LizB62A, I don't know, it is a smaller population but then there are less Funeral Directors....I think it just expected so they all work to that way?

The 3 days are tradition relation to the death and resurrection of Jesus. While Ireland is increasing becoming less RC bound some traditions are hard held.

For me when Dad died it helped, you're 'allowed' nearly expected to be a wreak for those 3 days. Funeral/Burial and then you're expected to start coming out of it, not get over it, just starting to deal.

I personally feel that the delay between death and funeral is not good, you get to worry and dwell on it and as much as I hate the phrase you're waiting for closure.

We've had this twice with members of DP's family, sadly both needed a PM but it took weeks.....And it was so stressful for all involved.

My DUncle needed a PM (in Ireland) and it was done the same day he died.
Again smaller pop/less PM's but they work to the timeline of 3 days.

It can be done I've seen it as an ex-Nurse done for Jewish and Muslim patients.

There is also the non conformed rumor that they have the 3 day thing because Ireland is so wet....

Maybe because it's pretty much a religious requirement (for Jews, at least - I don't know if it's the same in Islam) to hold the burial asap, priority is given to them in the processes? Both are far, far more likely to be buried than both Christians and atheists, so likely to be a much smoother process I suppose.

I didn't know about the three days/Easter connection with Ireland - and of course, their population is way smaller, so even with fewer funeral directors, I suppose there's less pressure anyway.

Long waits are becoming more and more common. Last funeral we organised was in Scotland and had a 3 week wait for a cremation slot. A lot are also held up by the cutback to registrars - we got a cancellation slot by chance, but otherwise it was going to be a week before we could register the death (and with the new random checks system the funeral director wouldn't even provisionally sort a slot at the crem until it was done because of the potential for delays).

any idea why it is so quick is Ireland?

Church funeral followed by a burial is quicker here as well. Especially those being buried in the big churchyard. As soon as you start involving crematoria (not enough of them) delays kick in.

Church funeral followed by burial in the local cemetery is longer than churchyard burial because that relies on local authority gravediggers and they don't have enough of them.

A relative of mine died the week in between Christmas and New Year but the funeral wasn't until this week. It would have been longer but the family got a cancellation (work that one out ).

When my dad died, it was May Bank Holiday and he couldn't be cremated for a week and half and that was bad enough.

I'm very sorry for your loss

My dad died on the 12th December, his funeral was on the 15th Jan, however if we had waited for the smaller Chapel at the crematorium which was the one we wanted we would still be waiting, earliest date was the 17th February if I remember correctly...

My Gran died 21 November. As she died within 45minutes of being admitted to hospital they wanted to do a full autopsy, thankfully she was spared this as she had been in and out of hospital since January so they had access to her records but still wanted to perform a blood autopsy (not sure if that's the correct terminology). Then the coroner had to write his report and only then were we given permission to book the funeral which took place 21 December as the funeral director was fully booked. If we didn't take that date, it would've been around 4 January. It made the grieving process a lot harder to be honest but yes, lots of people do pass away at this time of year.

Regards your holiday, if you have insurance can you not contact them and give them all the relevant information (they may wish to see a copy of the death certificate I'm not sure, but they will want proof you're not pulling a fast one).

Interesting that most folk have had delays because of lack of crematoria. My FIL died this time last year and we have to wait five weeks because of the various people involved, that was the first date funeral directors, grave diggers, and vicar were free and the church wasn't booked for a group.

Agree with what others have said though the popular times at crems have bigger waits.

OP it's a shame though core family weren't consulted on the date before if was confirmed.

Jews are generally buried not cremated, so there's no wait at the crem, and the graveyard areas are controlled by different synagogues, so you buy a given plot according to which synagogue you are a member of. People will often already have family plots - if not then the synagogue will operate to secure a burial plot very quickly as part of their assistance in sorting out the funeral.

I'm not sure if the paperwork by the civil authorised is expedited to ensure compliance with religious burial rules - we didn't have a death certificate, but did have to drop in the green form obtained from the registrar that same day (the GP came to certify the death pretty quickly (as my mum died at home):

If a burial is being organised urgently for reasons of faith, it is sometimes possible to obtain a green form from the Registrar prior to full registration of the death. A Medical Certificate of Cause of Death should normally have been issued.

bereavementadvice.org/topics/the-funeral/documents-needed-for-arranging-a-funeral

The synagogue sorted everything out with the funeral director, we just had to collect the green form and take it in to the funeral home.

We had to wait two weeks over Xmas four years ago to cremate my children's dad. That felt like such a long time. I can't imagine having to wait five weeks

Going to a funeral next week and that’s taken a month.

What do you expect to achieve by querying it?

My mums funeral was 3 weeks after her death due to trying to schedule crematorium.

Various people harassed us on when the funeral was and why it took so long and that caused me far more stress and pain than the wait.

Don't more elderly people die in the depths of winter? 3 of the elderly in my family died in January.

Having said that, my 97 year old mother died in July, and there was still quite a wait for the crematorium, but then we do live in a densely populated area. That is surely a factor, too.

5 weeks does seem a particularly long wait, though.

2 weeks is about average around here, maybe 3 just after Christmas but a month would be unusual.

Did they want a specific day or time? For example, I believe its a lot shorter wait time if the funeral is early in the morning.

Sorry for your loss x