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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that he disregards my boundaries?

110 replies

IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 09:38

My AF visits a few times a week for a meal since my parents split. The problem I am having is, I work from home and ever since New Year he has gotten worse at observing the times I have said he can come. On a weekday I've said he can visit from 3pm onwards, but he has been coming at five to one. This is making stressed out because he has a key and it interrupts my work.
His justification for coming early is "I thought I'd come early so I could go early" even though we haven't arranged this. He then proceeds to go on about having the evening meal and try to nag me about bringing it forwards. (I won't because we always eat at 6pm or later as my husband gets in late) He's causing me stress, but I'm not giving into him...I feel like I'm repeating myself lately and he also tries to lean on me and snuggle up to me on the sofa. He's never been great at personal boundaries, but since my Mum left him and I have to see him alone, it's bringing back all sorts of trauma from my past about how controlling he is. Although I don't give in to him, I keep getting ill and IBS hell.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 09:41

AF ?

Thebookswereherfriends · 02/02/2018 09:43

I'm assuming you mean your father. You need to take away the key or put an extra lock in the door. If he turns up early you just don't let him in, tell him you're still working and you will finish at 3pm. Phone him the night before and remind him that you won't be available until 3pm.

dizzy174 · 02/02/2018 09:43

get your key back for starters

Appuskidu · 02/02/2018 09:44

Sorry, the only AF I know about is Aunt Flo= period!

Is this your dad?

Text him the day before he’s invited to come and say how busy you are and that you need to work until x o’clock otherwise there will be no dinner. ask nine to please come at x o’clock.

TheMaddHugger · 02/02/2018 09:44

Step Father ???????
" but since my Mum left him"

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 09:44

Aged Father

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 02/02/2018 09:45

DF? or SF ?

Idontdowindows · 02/02/2018 09:45

I'm gathering this is your father.

Don't open the door at five to one.
Sit in a chair.

Have a damn good talk to him, if you can handle it.

Especially the bit about bringing back past trauma concerns me: you do NOT have to see him if you don't want to! You CAN cut contact or only meet in public places!

TheMaddHugger · 02/02/2018 09:45

Ahaaa Aged father

Idontdowindows · 02/02/2018 09:45

Don't open the door = bolt it, then don't open.

DogsDoodahs · 02/02/2018 09:46

What odd behaviour 😐

WellThisIsShit · 02/02/2018 09:56

Establishing boundaries in a relationship where the power balance is skewed and historically one has refused to give or respect the others basic rights to define their own boundaries (body autonomy or private / public space, time etc)... well, it’s the hardest situation to start establishing boundaries.

Do you want to see him alone? Boundaries are easier to maintain when there are other people who can support you present

You need to take away his keys or change the locks to create a physical barrier to your home space and private self. At the moment he has control and you’re somehow expecting him to change his behaviour and attitude to give you respect and equality... why do you expect he will do this? What’s in it for him? He’s hardly likely to give away his power is he?

Can you think of any other ways to can enforce your own boundaries without relying on asking his permission to give you your boundaries? Like... not being in the house before the time you’ve arranged to meet him (after you’ve changed the locks).

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 09:57

He can be odd. I have tried reasoning with him, but (a) he isn't sorry and doesn't care and (b) he does it again.

When I was younger he perpetually abused my boundaries, even coming into my room when I was getting dressed as a teenager- when I objected and tried to cover up , he would give me a lecture about how it's his house and he pays the bills....Maybe I should give HIM one of those. Only I have tried and he just doesn't listen.

I want the key back and he won't give it back.

OP posts:
Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 10:02

I work from home, so he knows I am there. It hurts because he (and my mother) have always stood against my chosen career and I see when other "kids" my age have lovely supportive parents. Both of them refused to let me go to higher education in the field of my choice (I won a place at the age of 16) but recently he has boasted about this.

I know I don't have support and never will, from either of them. All my life I was scapegoated by them and both are abusive people. When my Dad was alone it felt good for a while as he feigned interest in me, I guess I wanted to believe he had changed and really cared. Sadly, I was wrong, wrong , wrong. He only cares about himself and I don't think he will ever change, so I need to find a way of "Damage limitation"

OP posts:
parietal · 02/02/2018 10:03

if he won't give the key back, can you change the locks?

saladdays66 · 02/02/2018 10:03

There's a huge history here, isn't there? Just because he's older doesn't mean he's suddenly turned into a nice person. He hasn't. He's still controlling.

Get the locks changed.

I'd also see him less if it's stressing you out. If he's behaving badly when you're alone, only see him with your partner.

He's reaping what he sowed here - sounds like he was a shit father. You don't have to be a perfect dd to him. You don't have to see him at all.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 10:04

Change the locks and don't give him a key

RedialCallHold · 02/02/2018 10:04

Change the lock! He's very strange, tell him to back off or this will go on and on.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 02/02/2018 10:06

He sounds very strange. YY to changing locks and stop inviting him over.

windchimesabotage · 02/02/2018 10:07

change the locks, dont give him a key and id even suggest going no contact because this sounds like a soul destroying nightmare!

Why feel guilt over someone who hurts you so much and obviously on purpose?

I mean I know its hard not to because hes your father, but take it from me you dont need to feel guilty because this man sounds like an abusive arsehole.

GabriellaMontez · 02/02/2018 10:07

Change the locks. Never give him a key.

MrsExpo · 02/02/2018 10:09

OP If he won’t return your key, then change the locks and add bolts so he can’t gain entry to your home unless you let him in. Given what you’ve said about his long standing disregard for your space, it seems like the only solution. If this means he has to sit outside for two hours, then so be it. Also invite him round far less often, have client meetings outside your home or find other ways to be actually there less often. He’ll never learn unless you start sending out some tough messages.

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 10:09

We can't afford to change the locks at the moment, otherwise we would like a shot.

I feel so stupid and weak. I fell into his trap of feigned niceness and I know he's just using me. He eats my food a few times a week (guest status I suppose) but I have ended up doing a lot of other things for him, like cutting his hair. Meanwhile he does ZERO things for me except stress me out.

My Grandparents would have loved the level of care my Dad gets, but they were lucky if my parents bothered with them four times a year. I didn't want to be like my own parents, to sink to their level.

OP posts:
Riverside2 · 02/02/2018 10:09

I would cut contact.

Riverside2 · 02/02/2018 10:10

X post
It's not sinking to his level
It's removing a toxic person from your life.