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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that he disregards my boundaries?

110 replies

IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 09:38

My AF visits a few times a week for a meal since my parents split. The problem I am having is, I work from home and ever since New Year he has gotten worse at observing the times I have said he can come. On a weekday I've said he can visit from 3pm onwards, but he has been coming at five to one. This is making stressed out because he has a key and it interrupts my work.
His justification for coming early is "I thought I'd come early so I could go early" even though we haven't arranged this. He then proceeds to go on about having the evening meal and try to nag me about bringing it forwards. (I won't because we always eat at 6pm or later as my husband gets in late) He's causing me stress, but I'm not giving into him...I feel like I'm repeating myself lately and he also tries to lean on me and snuggle up to me on the sofa. He's never been great at personal boundaries, but since my Mum left him and I have to see him alone, it's bringing back all sorts of trauma from my past about how controlling he is. Although I don't give in to him, I keep getting ill and IBS hell.

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 02/02/2018 10:33

If you are still OK to have him over, tell him. You won't be letting him in til 3pm. So if he turns up early he'll be stuck outside. Or go out one day if you can.

Hissy · 02/02/2018 10:35

Tell him you need the key back, if an excuse is needed tell him you have a workman coming

HeebieJeebies456 · 02/02/2018 10:37

All my life I was scapegoated by them and both are abusive people

So what on earth possessed you to not only give him a key/free access to your home but to also let him have so much one-to-one access to you? Shock

You don't need their approval and anything they 'give' you will come with conditions attached.
You need to toughen up and stand up for yourself!
You ask for the key back, if he refuses tell him he either hands it over or you will call the police to get it off him.
When he tries snuggling up to/invades your personal space - speak up and say 'no - i don't like that/leave'

Stop being so passive and allowing him to continue treating you like shit.

HeebieJeebies456 · 02/02/2018 10:39

and you don't owe him daily visits/feeding so nip that in the bud

Genevieva · 02/02/2018 10:41

Replacing a lock is normally a pretty straightforward DIY job. They aren't expensive. Photograph yours, measure it and go to a DIY shop. They will probably help you find another that is almost identical but has a different key.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2018 10:42

Use the money you will save on feeding the horrible lecherous loser to fit new locks or bolts

Couchpotato3 · 02/02/2018 10:43

I think you need to find a way to pay for a change of locks - surely you can prioritise this over something else? It is absolutely essential to your wellbeing. Can you eat the contents of the freezer/kitchen cupboards for a week and just get it done? Or sell something on eBay, anything just to put an end to this ridiculous situation. Your AF's behaviour is deeply inappropriate and I think you would be better off seeing him only when your DH is there too. Is he aware of all the back-story with AF? Will he back you up?

ReanimatedSGB · 02/02/2018 10:44

I know it's very hard to stand up to an abusive parent - you have been bullied and controlled and coerced by this person all your life, so they have some kind of superhuman status in your eyes and cannot be disobeyed or resisted.
But this is just a nasty, selfish, bullying old man. He cannot compel you to see him, ever - you are an adult and he has no legal right to be a part of your life in any shape or form.
Can you buy a bolt for the front door? If he ever tries to force his way in, you can call the police and have him removed, you know. Even if he is your dad, he has no right to be in your home against your wishes.
I know that sounds scary and unbelievable, but you do have the right, legally and ethically, to make him leave you alone and only interact with him on your terms.

SvartePetter · 02/02/2018 10:46

What about not inviting him as a punishment every time he does it (assuming you actually want him to come again)? So every time he is early, no more invites for a week as you are "busy" or cook something he won't like or having your mother over etc. Like training a dog I suppose.

windchimesabotage · 02/02/2018 10:51

'i didnt want to be like my own parents, sink to their level'

You sound like a lovely giving person and Im sure you are nothing like your parents. But you can go too far down the way of being a lovely person to the extent it starts damaging you. You need to look after yourself. You are not responsible for your parents behaviour and if your dad wont act like a reasonable human being then you do not need to have him in your life. You cant compensate for his shittyness by being nicer. He wont get any less shitty.
People like this rely on your guilt and obligation. I think you have to try and detach emotionally somehow. Make it about YOU and what you need. If you need space to work then make sure you have that, by simply refusing to have that compromised by any excuse or manipulation by your dad. Take his keys off him. Dont answer the door to him. Dont get sucked in by the emotional manipulation.
You are a decent person and you have given him opportunity to see you if he is abusing that ten he has ruined it for himself not you!! Dont feel guilty!! Flowers

Iprefercoffeetotea · 02/02/2018 10:52

Do you have the sort of lock that doesn't work if you leave the key in the lock on your side? I am guessing you would have thought of that if you do though.

If you can get the money together to change the locks I would really try. But try to get the key back first - he must put it down sometime!

walkingdowntheboulevard · 02/02/2018 10:55

Leave your key in the door and failing that buy a cheap bolt and keep,him out, refuse to answer door as you're working.

elisenbrunnen · 02/02/2018 10:57

What about not inviting him as a punishment every time he does it - someone who really thinks he is 'invited' every time? Hmm

This is someone who thinks your home, OP, is as much his (because you are his) so he can come and go when he likes.

And he can lean on you/walk in on you because you are his.

I think you will need help to set your boundaries. You are obviously not going to just 'ask' for his key back, or 'ask' him not to.....

Freedom program, or assertiveness training. Or both.

ShiftyMcGifty · 02/02/2018 10:58

He’s the kind of asshole who will respond differently to a physically stronger male.

Your husband demands his key. He lost his and he doesn’t need one. Your husband tells him he doesn’t like the way he’s been treating you and he can come to dinner at 6pm when he gets home. It’s not open for debate.

If your father then turns out to have made an extra copy without your permission, demand it back and have husband threaten him with police if he refuses. Being your father gives him NO RIGHTS to your house!

RB68 · 02/02/2018 11:07

IF its a Yale type its easy to change the barrel and therefore the keys by yourself - you don't have to refit the whole thing

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 11:07

Yes a chain and a bolt sound good.

Creepily, after my Mum left him, he even called me by her name for a while. It was horrid!! At the time he seemed like such a vulnerable and hurt victim, so I felt sorry for him and thought maybe it was a habit he needed to break. Thankfully he has stopped that nonsense now...I can't believe I was so stupid to get sucked in.

I think the "aged" can be incredibly manipulative sometimes, at least my parents can...It's so old.

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 02/02/2018 11:11

Lock your door from the inside and leave the key in it- he can't get in then

ToesAndFingersCrossed · 02/02/2018 11:12

Can you go and work in your local library the next day he’s due over? Arrange to have him round at 5 and don’t get home a minute earlier.

sameoldtat · 02/02/2018 11:12

He is taking the piss. If you let him carry on he will over step bounderies and then there will be no way back at all. I think you know this deep down or you wouldnt be getting IBS. Keep the key in the door and shut the curtains. take care of yourself x

TillyMint81 · 02/02/2018 11:16

Something like this? https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B012AO9FYK/ref=mpssa119?ie=UTF8&qid=1517570102&sr=8-9&pi=ACSX2366SY340QL65&keywords=locks+for+doors&dpPl=1&dpID=51fEI-PQuIL&ref=plSrch

He is controlling this. You need to stop it. He is abusive.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 02/02/2018 11:17

I think the "aged" can be incredibly manipulative sometimes, at least my parents can...It's so old.

Don’t kid yourself that his behaviour has ANYTHING to do with his age. He sounds like a controlling arse. Don’t excuse it in your head by putting it down to his age.

TillyMint81 · 02/02/2018 11:18

His behaviour is a long way from normal and I'm not sure his age has anything to do with it. He's using you as a replacement for your mum and I'm genuinely concerned for your safety. Lock the door and leave your key in the back. You may have to stand up to him through the door and tell him to stop coming round.

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 12:03

Maybe, I need to show my husband what you've all said because I'm finding it a real strain standing up to my Aged and chronically manipulative Father. I'm struggling with my health due to all the stress, so I need my DH's support.

I have suggested before to him that he needs to find an activity to do every day, but he has not bothered to do this. I'm sure he is bored/ lonely etc, but he's not being fair to me and needs to find companionship his own age.

OP posts:
elisenbrunnen · 02/02/2018 12:09

How old is your 'aged' father, OP?

He might be bored/lonely, but he is still manipulating you into being his 'company'. You don't want it, don't need it, and he is pushing and push for more than you wan to give.

elisenbrunnen · 02/02/2018 12:10

And unless he is in his 80s, he is not aged.

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