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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that he disregards my boundaries?

110 replies

IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 09:38

My AF visits a few times a week for a meal since my parents split. The problem I am having is, I work from home and ever since New Year he has gotten worse at observing the times I have said he can come. On a weekday I've said he can visit from 3pm onwards, but he has been coming at five to one. This is making stressed out because he has a key and it interrupts my work.
His justification for coming early is "I thought I'd come early so I could go early" even though we haven't arranged this. He then proceeds to go on about having the evening meal and try to nag me about bringing it forwards. (I won't because we always eat at 6pm or later as my husband gets in late) He's causing me stress, but I'm not giving into him...I feel like I'm repeating myself lately and he also tries to lean on me and snuggle up to me on the sofa. He's never been great at personal boundaries, but since my Mum left him and I have to see him alone, it's bringing back all sorts of trauma from my past about how controlling he is. Although I don't give in to him, I keep getting ill and IBS hell.

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/02/2018 10:12

Is there any way you can work elsewhere for a while? I know you shouldn't be forced out of your own home, but I'm assuming work is more important and is being disrupted by his appearances - also, if you aren't there it might stop him standing outside ringing the bell for hours...

You need to change the locks too. He has no right to walk in whatever time he chooses, and it's devaluing your work him thinking that you are at home doing nothing so he can turn up when he wants (I work from home too sometimes and it's surprising how many people assuming I'm just noodling around rather than working).

PersonAtHome · 02/02/2018 10:12

Can you tell him you've changed your working from home location (using a variety of cafes and libraries because it's warmer, don't specify which ones)?

Then change the locks telling him firmly that this is your house and you pay the bills (like he did when he walked into your bedroom) and he is only invited at certain times when you are back home.

If you feel brave enough you could tell him that you won't answer the door unless he comes at the agreed time / day as you have a busy life and don't have time to see him unless the time agreed is pre-arranged and convenient to both. It sounds like he won't listen to reason so all you can do is tell him that unless he comes at the agreed time you won't answer, then go ahead and do that.

But I'm sure that won't be easy at all! Good luck.

StrawberryFieldsWhenever · 02/02/2018 10:12

I agree with changing the locks. I know he's your father, but it's your house. Also, it may just be me, but I wouldn't even be trying to worry about damage limitation at this point either- yes damage has been done but it's him that's done it. Let him live with it.

Ellendegeneres · 02/02/2018 10:12

Christ I’d first be changing locks and then looking into moving and not telling him where. Seriously, he doesn’t see you as an adult, he sees you as a kid still who he can control. Fuck that for a game of dominoes. For today, I’d put an internal lock (upper or lower bolt if you have one) on, and when he hammers the door cause he can’t get in, ignore- put music on or something, headphones. Ignore all calls from him. When it’s 3, open the door. When he starts going off on one, tell him you were busy working, he knows that, and you need your key back because you’re having work done and need it for the builder. Hold hand out. If he says no, say to him, fine- I’ll change the locks, but you’re not welcome for dinner because you’re withholding something that doesn’t belong to you, so don’t think you’re welcome in my home or around my family.

Original poster

IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 10:13

When he got here (two whole hours early) this week he made a lot of excuses, like he had gotten the days of the week mixed up, got up late etc. None of them washed with me, so I suggested he got a calendar with the day of the week on it (he has on his iphone anyway so it was a crap excuse) and that he plans an activity for the morning of that day so he's not at home twiddling his thumbs.

I also said that it's my working day, and if he's not able to keep to 3 o clock he should come at five o clock, that way I can get more work done. I doubt he will listen. Next time I see him, will ask for the key back.

OP posts:

barefoofdoctor · 02/02/2018 10:13

Change the locks and tell him to piss off. He sounds like a right creepy old thing. Yuk.

DownstairsMixUp · 02/02/2018 10:13

If you can't afford to change the locks add some cheap bolt ones on the inside from Wilko?

Ellendegeneres · 02/02/2018 10:14

Cross post about not being able to afford changing locks

YouTheCat · 02/02/2018 10:14

If you can't afford to change the lock, then get a bolt and use it.

Tell him there won't be anymore meals as you are too busy and then ignore the bugger. It will be difficult but it is doable.

HotelEuphoria · 02/02/2018 10:14

Go to him with a meal ready prepared, stay half an hour then leave?

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/02/2018 10:15

If you can't afford to change the locks, then put a bolt on. Or a chain. Anything to stop him just walking in. Then shout through the gap that you're busy and you'll see him at three. Then put on your headphones, turn up the music and carry on working and ignore him.

dizzy174 · 02/02/2018 10:15

have a chain fitted to the door then. you must block his ability to invade your space uninvited for starters

DriggleDraggle · 02/02/2018 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonShark · 02/02/2018 10:16

Lol, is 'aged' a known prefix now for those 'DF' (which can also be fiancé) and 'DM's that are past a certain age?

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 02/02/2018 10:17

Fit bolts. He sounds like he is trying to be controlling by not respecting your wishes. He actually sounds like a very strange and controlling man, based just on what you’ve written here. I wouldn’t have him near me tbh.

MadRainbow · 02/02/2018 10:18

Go down to B&Q and buy some heavy duty bolts if you Don't have the money to change locks, I had to do this for a friend coming out of an abusive marriage. It can serve as a temporary measure for now.

Try not to guilt yourself over all this, you must protect yourself and your little family first and if he was as shit of a father as he sounds, you've already repaid your debt to him a hundred fold.

If he genuinely won't abide by your wishes have you considered police intervention? I know it seems extreme but if he won't listen it may be the only way to get him to back off

thecatsthecats · 02/02/2018 10:18

Yes to PP who said get a bolt for your door. Two, if you can manage it.

Should be cheap to purchase and install.

Narnia72 · 02/02/2018 10:19

Depending on the kind of lock you have, and how handy you/OH are, you can buy one from ebay and fit it easily for under a tenner. Or get a bolt fitted.

Just shout through the door, it's not convenient, I'm working, come back at 5pm (or whenever).

It sounds like he has serious boundary issues, if you're not comfortable with the bodily intimacy then don't be alone with him.

You're not your parents, but it sounds like they are toxic both to you and to your grandparents. It's ok to go low or no contact.

dustarr73 · 02/02/2018 10:19

The walking in while getting dressed is a huge red flag.As is snuggling thats a whole level of wrong.

Do you have kids op,he just seems like a predator to me.And i dont even know him

KaliforniaDreamz · 02/02/2018 10:20

can u bolt the door frome the inside so his key wont work x

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/02/2018 10:20

In your position I wouldn't want to see him alone.

Can you work from a friend's place when you know he's likely to turn up?

mummmy2017 · 02/02/2018 10:29

when you cook a meal, make a spare one you can freeze down for him, keep it in there, and just grab it and cook it for him, this way he can't stay till you cook and use that as an excuse.

Tell him the key broke in the lock get another set and don't give him a key.

Also remind him that if he comes before 3 you won't be answering the door, tell him you have told him this many times, that you have an extra high job load this month and need the time to do the job.

DriggleDraggle · 02/02/2018 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babyccinoo · 02/02/2018 10:31

This man refused to respect your boundaries as a teen and invaded you bedroom without your permission.

He is now snuggling up to you on the sofa. I'm sorry but I wouldn't trust him Ann inch.

You are under no obligation to have him visit, feed him or be his proxy wife now your mum has left him.

Tell him he needs to give the key back or you will never allow him to visit again. But still make plans to change the locks as he hasn't probably made a copy.

Can you put in a chain at the door?

babyccinoo · 02/02/2018 10:32

as he has probably made a copy

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