AIBU to be upset that he disregards my boundaries?

[IndigoMoonFlower]

My AF visits a few times a week for a meal since my parents split. The problem I am having is, I work from home and ever since New Year he has gotten worse at observing the times I have said he can come. On a weekday I've said he can visit from 3pm onwards, but he has been coming at five to one. This is making stressed out because he has a key and it interrupts my work.
His justification for coming early is "I thought I'd come early so I could go early" even though we haven't arranged this. He then proceeds to go on about having the evening meal and try to nag me about bringing it forwards. (I won't because we always eat at 6pm or later as my husband gets in late) He's causing me stress, but I'm not giving into him...I feel like I'm repeating myself lately and he also tries to lean on me and snuggle up to me on the sofa. He's never been great at personal boundaries, but since my Mum left him and I have to see him alone, it's bringing back all sorts of trauma from my past about how controlling he is. Although I don't give in to him, I keep getting ill and IBS hell.

((((((Hugs))))) Indigo 🌺💜🌷💜💞

If that doesn’t work, look at changing the lock barrel - it is an easy DIY job, and cheaper than changing the locks completely.

Good luck OP! Be strong! Take back control!!!

Fathers that 'accidentally' walk into teenagers bedrooms when they're changing and cite they're allowed to because they pay the bills are bad people and bad fathers. You really need to prioritise changing the lock (or adding an extra cheap one temporarily) and act like you are at work. Just because you work from home doesn't mean you can be interrupted. Sending you strength OP

I only read about half way down, but you should pop to a local locksmith. Remember- you don't need to change all the locks on your door, if he doesn't have the key to just one, he can't get in. Your local locksmith can give you a new barrel for a mortice lock that is quite easy to replace yourself with a few tools. Ours did that when we were worried we had lost a set of keys, but weren't sure where. It cost less than £20.

You don't need to replace the whole lock and there are generic brands which still pass all the test required for insurance so can be surprisingly cheap. And no need for the locksmith to come to the house.

Sorry you are going through this.

It’s expensive to call out a locksmith but you can buy the new lock and watch how to change it on YouTube. My husband did it last time and it’s worked perfectly for years, it’s not too complex when you have access/not locked out. Your dad is not only being rude and controlling, but some of it is venturing into being weird and perverted, the watching you change as a teen and snuggling up to you as an adult when you’re uncomfortable all sound really strange. You need to protect yourself from this situation, no matter how offended he might be, or how uncomfortable it is telling him how he’s making you feel. It seems like this strange dynamic only benefits him, and that’s not the point of any relationship.

Bloody hell, this isn’t just about the locks! This thread has gone all “cancel the cheque”!

If you have a relationship like this, the thought of him turning up to find a locked door, is terrifying.

Op you have my sympathies. I strongly suspect you’ll have to have a confrontation and then a period of him doing everything he can to get you back under control. Brace yourself. But it will absolutely be worth it.

He sounds utterly revolting

Not the 'maybe he has dementia?' line again. He's clearly been like this the whole time from OP's posts. It's not a new development that's come with age.

@Minglemangle2 - yes, you are right, this isn't just about the locks, but the OP is about @IndigoMoonFlower's father disrespecting her boundaries and letting himself into her house so, in my mind, the first thing she needs is to be able to ensure her privacy in her own home, and there are two ways of doing that - getting the key back from her father, and changing the locks.

She has asked for her key back before, and he has refused, so clearly that is not going to be an easy option - and it involves confronting him directly - whereas changing the locks means she instantly has her privacy back without having to subject herself or her dh to an unpleasant conversation with her father - and this just seems like the easier option for her, which is, I think, why people are recommending it, and trying to show her that one barrier she thought was there (the cost of changing the locks) need not be.

It is being done out of concern and care, but if it is coming over as hectoring the OP in a 'cancel the cheque' way, then this is counterproductive and I, for one, would wish to apologise to the OP for this.