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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that he disregards my boundaries?

110 replies

IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 09:38

My AF visits a few times a week for a meal since my parents split. The problem I am having is, I work from home and ever since New Year he has gotten worse at observing the times I have said he can come. On a weekday I've said he can visit from 3pm onwards, but he has been coming at five to one. This is making stressed out because he has a key and it interrupts my work.
His justification for coming early is "I thought I'd come early so I could go early" even though we haven't arranged this. He then proceeds to go on about having the evening meal and try to nag me about bringing it forwards. (I won't because we always eat at 6pm or later as my husband gets in late) He's causing me stress, but I'm not giving into him...I feel like I'm repeating myself lately and he also tries to lean on me and snuggle up to me on the sofa. He's never been great at personal boundaries, but since my Mum left him and I have to see him alone, it's bringing back all sorts of trauma from my past about how controlling he is. Although I don't give in to him, I keep getting ill and IBS hell.

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/02/2018 12:12

@IndigoMoonFlower - if it is a Yale lock, you can just buy a new barrel for the lock, and change it easily yourself - there are videos on YouTube - that is much cheaper than changing the whole lock. We had to do it a couple of times, when the dses lost their door keys, and there's no way we could have afforded to change the whole lock.

DriggleDraggle · 02/02/2018 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 12:21

Nearly 80 ...

Yes, I know. I've explained to him that I need to work, can't afford not to. But he doesn't care. It's bad enough that he screwed up my education by now allowing me to take the scholarship I was awarded at 16, but all he has done ever since is undermine me and try to stop me working- and my Mother is just as bad. It seems like they don't want me to have anything or be anything, but I can't fathom a parent feeling like that about their child.

OP posts:

mustbefreakingmad · 02/02/2018 12:28

I was in a position very similar to yours for many years - my Mam left my dad after years of controlling abuse after which he followed her, and continued to emotional abuse her. Then when she finally had the courage to break contact altogether he began to slowly move his control onto me and my sister until the point he came to us multiple times a week for us to cook for him and sit and listen to a barrage of absolute shit each time as well. I went NC 1st jan and have never looked back and have never felt such a sense of relief.
Looking back now I didn't realise what was happening at the time he was working his way in and just how much his behaviour effected my mental health. Luckily I have the full support of my husband - a stronger male who he won't even attempt to dominate. It's been hard and I have felt so small and stupid at times for not being brave enough to stand up to him but behaviours like this are ingrained over time and it's so so hard to break them. So I guess what I'm saying is you can stand up to him although it's hard and you'll feel 100% better for it

GlitterGlue · 02/02/2018 12:29

Look, if you need permission we’re giving you permission.

Go out, or put a bolt on the door, change the locks as soon as you can afford it. You don’t even have to explain to him.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/02/2018 12:33

Because they are abusers and they want you dependent on them.
Please take back control of your own life.
If he comes in at 1pm then tell him to leave and come back in a couple of hours.
In fact - don't him round at all, but I think you'll take a while to get to this.
WFH can make you a bit stir crazy.
Is there a library close by you could go to to get out and about a bit more?

ChasedByBees · 02/02/2018 12:40

I would demand the key back and say if you have to change the locks because he won’t respect your requests about your house and your time, that will be it, you won’t see him at all.

I think you’re going to have to be really firm about what is acceptable now.

Idontdowindows · 02/02/2018 12:40

But he doesn't care.

Repeat that, out loud, to yourself. For as long as it takes for it to sink in that your father does not care about your wellbeing.

Get those bolts. Don't open the door. Change the lock as soon as you have some spare change.

Technonan · 02/02/2018 12:43

I don't want to be scary, but if this is a change in behaviour, have you considered that he might be in the early stages of dementia? I say this, because I can remember how my own father's perfectly reasonable behaviour began to change and became odd and not like him. Maybe he needs to have a chat with his GP.

babyccinoo · 02/02/2018 12:49

@DriggleDraggle

it is quite offensive and totally unhelpful to your situation to now decide lifelong shitty behaviours are suddenly age related.

This is unfair to the OP, she did qualify with 'at least my parents can'. Part of the reason why OP feels obliged is her father's age.

What's most important for her now is to detach from toxic father.

liquidrevolution · 02/02/2018 12:57

What kind of locks do you have? Some types can be changed quite easily and cheaply. Failing that can you work elsewhere for a bit (library etc) to break his habit?

In the meantime bolt your door and start to slowly disconnect from him. He is not a good father and will only drag you down further. You owe him nothing.

Motoko · 02/02/2018 13:14

It cost us about £10 to change the barrel of our lock. A PP has linked to YouTube videos to show you how to do it.
You have NO reason not to change the locks, and a chain would be a good idea too, so that when he can no longer let himself in, you can open the door with the chain on. I wouldn't trust him not to have made copies of the key, so even if he does give it back, you should still change the lock.

Just because he's your father, it doesn't mean that you have to continue to have a relationship with him. You don't have to have him round your house, ever, if you don't want to. You don't have to feed him, or cut his hair. It's his own fault if he's lonely, you don't have to take any responsibility for that.

It's down to you to change things from now on, nobody else can do this for you. Your father is not going to change.

Smarmydrippings · 02/02/2018 13:18

Some people are so self centered they can't take pride in anyone else. My Mother was just like your Dad.
You can get bolts, chains and even tale locks in most large pound shops btw

Dragongirl10 · 02/02/2018 13:24

OP Stop being such a pushover

Stop worrying about him he is a grown man

Stop taking any responsibility for him

Time to stop discussing with him just TELL him and DO it whether that is not running around after him, not being interrupted however hard he tries, not being made to feel guilty.

Prioritise a lock change it costs little,

why are you seeing him, does he actually add anything to your life?

If not then stop seeing him, it is that simple, stop engaging.

He is not making you ill, you are allowing him to make you ill by not saying ENOUGH......please get tougher.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/02/2018 13:36

Stop trying to explain to him why his behaviour is wrong. He doesn't give a shit.

This problem is not about failure to understand.

You must enforce your boundaries by means that he cannot override at will. So, change the locks, it is cheap.

On the subject of locks, you obviously hadn't looked up ways to change a lock or you would know it can be done cheaply. You didn't make him give the key back either. So I'm assuming you are terrified of standing up to him, of his reaction at finding the locks are changed when he tries to get in?

Are you ready in yourself to tell him to get stuffed whenever necessary? He will fight back hard of course. How do you think he will try to get you back under his thumb?

elisenbrunnen · 02/02/2018 16:14

Op - if he is nearly 80, you must be at least in your 40s? I'm assuming not 20s...

You really need some strategies for standing up to him. Hard, I know, when you've had 40odd years of being the 'stupid' one, the one who does as she's told (by him) and the one he can bully.

OtterInDisgrace · 02/02/2018 16:22

I echo what the others have said about changing locks being really fairly cheap and much easier than you’ll expect it to be. I recently had to do my own front door and it cost under £20 for the actual lock (weird size had to source it online) and after watching a YouTube video I had it done in ten minutes.

TheMerryWidow1 · 02/02/2018 16:42

does your Husband back you up? Your father sounds horrible and you are not his "new" wife, please stop this. Why doesn't your husband tell him he is inappropriate etc. Tell your Father this is your house and now its your rules.

BouncingIntoGraceland · 02/02/2018 16:43

Can you swap the locks on your front and back doors?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 02/02/2018 17:36

Being out of the house will probably make things worse for as long as he has a key. He'll just let himself in and treat the house like he owns it (he'll be snooping in your bedroom for sure).

OP please either go for the bolt idea - but it only works if you're in - or explore one of the suggested ideas for changing the locks cheaply.

You owe this man nothing. He is taking advantage of you, he's a user and selfish. Find the strength to put boundaries in place before it creates even more MH issues and affects your wider family.

Original poster

IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 18:20

I know he does not care about me, Neither parent cares about me and nothing I do will ever change that. I accept it. I'm better off without them, but he will not let go easily. I have had a lifetime of being bullied by him and I do find it hard to stand up to him, but I know I need to change.

This weekend my husband is going to put chains on the door and we are discussing strategies. Its really stressing me out and making me ill, have now got a kidney infection :/

OP posts:

DriggleDraggle · 02/02/2018 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idontdowindows · 02/02/2018 18:42

You will make it happen, I know. It's hard to say no when you're not used to saying no. It's hard to cut off a parent, even if you know that parent is not good for you.

You will do it. We know you will, you have support here OP, your husband supports you, you will be able to set your boundaries and enforce them.

Rosielily · 02/02/2018 18:48

It is a great shame you cannot afford to change the locks at the moment. What does he say when you ask for your key back? Can you ask your husband to be there when you ask for/demand it back?

Original poster

IndigoMoonFlower · 02/02/2018 19:34

Thank you all. I have talked to my husband. We are going to ask for the key back and take it from there.

OP posts:

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