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AIBU?

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Original poster

Au pair yelled at ds

259 replies

bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 01:29

We're on holiday in a beach resort type place

Hanging out at the resort playground today. Ds (4) has been playing with a couple of kids (one 6 a girl, 5 a boy and his sister 2) for a couple of hours.

All being adorably sweet and playing some nice game involving being Octonaughts.

The 5 year old and 2 year old are being watched by an au pair/nanny type of girl. She looks about 15/16. Parents are down the beach a little.

The boy suddenly really smacks his head. Starts bawling and the au pair is trying to comfort him.

Ds walks over and tries to stroke the kid's back like the au pair was doing.

The girl screams 'get away from him, just go away!' and gives ds a little push.

Ds comes back a little miffed and hurt but not lastingly bothered.

I was about to go and tell her she was totally out of order. And tell the parents what she'd done too.

Dh stopped me and told me I shouldn't.

So I didn't but now I'm cross with myself. Yes she was only young, and I wouldn't have kicked off, rather told her it's not ok to speak to people like that at all or lay hands on them even if they had done anything wrong. Which ds hadn't, he was trying to be helpful.

(Obviously my instant reaction was to shove her face in to the sand and go all 'Hand that Rocks The Cradle' on her. Angry)

I should have pulled her up on it no? I feel like a failed ds a bit today. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 12:58

@Iloveanimals did you not read my lengthy update on why I said that?

OP posts:
Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 12:59

You would let your kids go off in a playground? At 4? While your watching them the whole time?

Was I meant to walk over and tell ds not to play with them?! Seriously????

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 02/02/2018 13:00

Yes. You were. Your 4year old was being a pain in the ass to a young girl who was in a stressful situation and you were so far away and you just sat there on your bahookie and let him be annoying.

RolyRocks · 02/02/2018 13:01

As for your actual question, I think it would have been appropriate to say to the nanny

You do realise that a 15 year old is highly unlikely to be a Nanny? More like an older sister or cousin.

And OP, you seem convinced that the girl was a "Carer". She was most likely not if your age guess is correct. Therefore, no, I don't think you can judge in the same way as you would an adult in a role. You don't seem to like the way this thread is going and I do get that you didn't like your son being upset for a little bit but you really have overreacted and other posters are perfectly correct to question why you didn't go over to help/check all was ok. The excuse that no one else did, doesn't quite wash with me. Order a Pina Colada and go back to enjoying the sun

luckylavender · 02/02/2018 13:08

And you said it was a little push...

Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 13:10

Wondering why they're not in school? Mumsnet bingo.

Not everyone on Mumsnet is from the UK.

Ds won't start school until he's 6. But in any case most schools here are fine with you taking your kids out of school in term time.

OP posts:
melj1213 · 02/02/2018 13:11

OP YABU

Regardless of whether the girl was a paid mother's help, family friend or whatever, she's still, by your estimation, under 18.

By the time I was 18 I had twenty younger relatives that I would regularly "babysit" when we went on family outings ... most of the time it was great because I was always invited on trips with my aunts and uncles (especially with the ones with a lot of little ones to wrangle) so I got to go on way more holidays than I would have done otherwise, but that doesn't mean I didn't get bored of watching the kids sometimes. I'd never show that to my family and whenever we were together I was always smiley and happy but when it was just me and the kids and I was watching them climb the climbing frame for the 3 billionth time that hour, my enthusiasm waned.

If I was dealing with one of my charges having hurt themselves badly I could imagine getting a bit flustered and stressed out - everyone staring at you because your charge is screaming in pain and you're trying to console the child whilst also keep an eye on the other charges and check them over to make sure they don't have serious injury and also stressing that you're going to get blamed for them getting hurt when you were watching them.

In the midst of all this a random child your charge has been playing with wanders over and starts touching the injured child. I can see the adrenaline of the situation getting the better of an under 18 meaning their first instinct is to push the random child's hands away and snap at them, because they are not your concern and they are getting in the way. If an adult did the same I'm sure her response would have been the same, but adults don't do that - they tend to walk over and ask if the child is OK and if they can help before they start touching them or getting in the carer's personal space.

If it was my DD I would either have told her to come away and explained that the poor child was injured and that while she hadn't done anything wrong they were worried the child was hurt so to just leave them be for a bit or have gone over to check the child was OK and if the under 18 needed help with anything and brought my DD away. Having an instant reaction ... to [want to] shove her face in to the sand and go all 'Hand that Rocks The Cradle' on her. even internally is an extreme OTT reaction to your child being shouted at but in no way permanently affected in what was clearly a stressful situation for the girl.

Marcine · 02/02/2018 13:11

I would be checking my 4 year old wasn't being annoying if they latched onto another family, especially if they were with a teenager. I'd have been straight over to check my child hadn't done anything and wasn't getting in the way as soon as there was screaming.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/02/2018 13:16

If I were you in that situation, my only concern would be the child who'd hurt himself.

Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 13:16

I was checking. He wasn't latched on to them. The kids were all playing together.

OP posts:
Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 13:17

As I've said, the kid was fine. He got back up and played for another hour.

OP posts:
RolyRocks · 02/02/2018 13:18

Wondering why they're not in school? Mumsnet bingo.

Not everyone on Mumsnet is from the UK.

Not sure why it is so shocking on a UK-based website to assume that.
When I use forums known to be based in and about another country, I say where I am from or if I don't say, I don't get offended if someone thought I wasn't. Your snippy responses probably explain why your DH wanted you to let the situation lie.

Lizzie48 · 02/02/2018 13:24

He possibly wouldn't actually be school age if he was in the UK. For all we know, his fifth birthday could be in the next school year. It was a bit passive aggressive to bring that up, I'm not surprised the OP reacted there.

Really, the judgement from some posters on here. She was watching her DS, she should have got up more quickly to get her DS to move aside, but that's the only thing she should have done differently imo. The DS wasn't being annoying, they were playing together. Kids play together on holiday, that's how it's always been. Hmm

GottadoitGottadoit · 02/02/2018 13:24

If my au pair was the type to be yelling at and pushing children I would want to know about it.

Royalfuckup · 02/02/2018 13:31

I think it’s quite telling that your DH stopped you from saying anything.

WhiteWalkersWife · 02/02/2018 13:33

She shouldnt have pushed him, no. I would have just had a word with her if anything.

You dont know shes not another dc from what youve said. I was happy and engaging when with my parents and all together. On the occassions i was watching my siblings while my parents relaxed and essentially left me to it, i was not happy or engaging with my siblings at all. I was miffed.

Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 13:35

Dh is way too laid back. We both don't speak up in life enough. Me because I get socially anxious, dh because he just doesn't want to upset any apple cart ever.

Someone smacked our car with their car door hard enough to leave a dent the other week, looked dh in the eye and walked off. Dh wouldn't say a word.

If I'm feeling nice I'd say he's so laid back he's horizontal. If I'm not I'd say he's uncaring and useless.

He's probably somewhere between the two. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 13:36

She wasn't another dc. I'm certain.

OP posts:
Original poster
bummymummythefirst · 02/02/2018 13:37

She was over the top nice when the parents eyes were on her and not at all nice when they weren't looking.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 02/02/2018 13:50

And yet the child went to her for comfort.

ShiftyMcGifty · 02/02/2018 13:51

As would be most teenagers if their aunt or uncle paid for their holiday with pocket money and chance to do my own thing in return for some babysitting.

Surly teens, imagine that.

RolyRocks · 02/02/2018 13:51

She wasn't another dc. I'm certain.

She was over the top nice when the parents eyes were on her and not at all nice when they weren't looking.

Does that not sound like typical sibling behaviour to you though? Especially from a sibling who has been lumbered supervising their brothers/sisters on holiday but wants to be able to 'go out'/'stay up late' later so has to keep Mum and Dad sweet? Why would a family employ a 15 year old to look after their small children? Is that common where you are from?

NotTreacs · 02/02/2018 13:52

OP: AIBU?
MN: yes
OP: no I'm not (continues to argue and act unreasonably)

Elementtree · 02/02/2018 13:52

God, I can just imagine you poor dh trying to enjoy his holiday while you whip yourself into a self righteous huffing fit.

cdtaylornats · 02/02/2018 13:53

So it's ok to push people now?

As much as it is to walk up and stroke a stranger

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