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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just feel utterly screwed as a single parent.

144 replies

Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 07:49

I've just got a new job. Pulled off a career move than should have taken 4 to 5 years to achieve. I'm going into a stressful, full on job, and I'll be on 19.5k
This seems like a big jump, but having just crunched my numbers I'll still only have a few hundred left a month after everything is paid.

If I just my balls and manage to get to the next pay band, I'll have a few thousand a year more in wages but nothing in real terms as I'll lose the final tiny amount of tax credits help I get.

I'm on a better wage than lots of women I know but with a far worse standard of living.

There still won't be much left to save either so things like emergencies/ holidays/ any out of the ordinary expense is still going to be catastrophic.

I was looking at holidays for dd and I but have given it up as it's too expensive. I've got some money coming to me from ppi but even 1000 isn't enough for a week in the sun...but a couple could go for 500 each ( with two wages coming in) and the child place would be free. While me, on one wage has to pay twice as that offer doesn't work.

I'm just having a moment where it feels like there doesn't seem to be a point where it gets easier.

OP posts:
RoobieDoobie · 04/02/2018 08:37

Do you work for the nhs?

Take her out if school in term time. A week at a Euro camp place in France off peak with nhs discount will be about £800.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/02/2018 08:55

Im going to leave the holiday for the moment. But thank you.

OP posts:
rewritethestars · 04/02/2018 09:06

Yes agree the pensions thread is scary especially when you are single.

whereisteddy · 04/02/2018 09:16

Don't give up on the holiday! I think you need it. I have never been on a package holiday, nor have I spent that amount of money on holiday. I would have a look for a flight (or look closer to home within mainland Europe and drive), hotel/accommodation where you want to be (Airbnb are everywhere) - if you use a hotel price comparison site to find the hotel google the hotel's contact details and contact them directly to see if you can get a better deal (which you usually can). Countries like Croatia are very standard med like without the extra price tag. Also look at center parcs in Europe, very driveable from uk and much much cheaper x

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/02/2018 09:22

I booked a few days camping and I'll try to get a weekend somewhere too..so it will be fine and I'm sure we will have a great time.

The pensions thread is terrifying. I'm 39. I think I've got about 3k with no chance of it ever getting very big. I live hand to mouth and it will be like that for a really long time.

OP posts:
Primarkismyonlyoption · 04/02/2018 09:54

Quid im the same. And scared im too old to make it any better Confused

ivykaty44 · 04/02/2018 10:01

Quidditch

I’ve been yha and stayed in dorms for a couple of nights - nice having people around to talk to in the evening and self catering makes it cheaper than b&b

Stayed at Westwood Ho! One summer for three nights

Great location near the beach

Was looking at weekends there recently but out of season bradicks holiday caravans work out at £59 per night for Friday - Monday

You mustn’t forgo a holiday as it’s very important to relax and recover especially when your parenting solo

ivykaty44 · 04/02/2018 10:02

Should be 50 not 59

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/02/2018 10:03

Argh, I'll get all cross again, the legacy of being married to a shit of a man will have affected my life right through to pension age.

OP posts:
goodyzoe · 04/02/2018 10:11

Quiddichcup I can really relate to what you mean about being on the outside. We've never been on holiday, can't afford simple things other people can e.g. meeting in a nice cafe for coffee and cake. I can't make nice plans. Saving for a pension would mean we went without.

It's just shit.

Well done on the job. It's a stepping stone, your wages will increase or you can maybe move to another job with increased wages in a couple of years, then on to the next one etc. Take opportunities when they arise. You'll get your holiday :)

rwalker · 04/02/2018 10:11

thing is a a couple we have 2 wages 1 is only partime so 1 and half wage has to support 2 adults and earn just too much to get tax credits .Wife's friend sp with school dinner free, prescription, 25% off council tax tax credits and child support is better of than us .Feel your pain but the grass isn't always greener

Booboo66 · 04/02/2018 10:18

Try booking your holidays separately OP. I got flights in April for my self and 2 DC to Cyprus £60 (slightly less for dc due to tax free from uk) there and only £30 back on another airline . Return journey was so cheap due to it being that particular airlines first flight out of the season so the plane was empty on return. Apartment booked separately online was an 18-30 type hotel super cheap as well out of season. Cost £95. We had the entire place to ourselves bar a couple of older long term winter stayers from Scandinavia who hadn’t yet retired home. An amazing week in the sun for 3 for not much more than £350. Hotel had cooking facilities but also very cheap to eat out due to being quiet in resort so lots of incentives to get customers on seats!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/02/2018 10:19

Rwalker.

Please don't.

I know it's hard for everyone. But having two adults is not the same as doing it on your own.

I don't and never have got free school meals for dd as I've always worked. If you work dont get them.

25% off council tax, well yes. But there is only 1 adult there? So really should it not be 50%

If you really think you would be better off, end your marriage and give it a try. Now, where's the biscuit emoji...

OP posts:
rewritethestars · 04/02/2018 10:19

Yes but in a couple you have someone to share the load and you can make joint plans re finances, holidays and retirement. Also you have more flexibility to work around the children eg evenings or weekends when there are two of you.

rewritethestars · 04/02/2018 10:20

That was to rwalker. Cross post with you op.

NewBallsPlease00 · 04/02/2018 10:22

I think you will be better off if you look at positives
I say this as a higher rate tax payer working about 80 hours a week and quite rightly eligible for no support or child maintenance, however when I applied for a mortgage the broker was surprised at lack of disposable income after mortgage (average of say at 35% take home) child are (another 40%) mandatory pension etc meaning I probably have 20% o cover everything- she basically said if you earned half your disposable would be the same because of tax credits and childcare support etc
I suck up that for now I am controlling my income (not gov dependant) but the reality is I'm on my knees
What I'm saying is you've done well you've got an increase and that will keep growing
You may also meet someone else too!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/02/2018 10:27

Newballs. You are bloody impressive.
Really. Do you have any tips on how to manage working that many hours and still keep the house/ family life afloat?

I'm sorry you are on your arse. I think that's the bit that worries me , that basically whatever I earn it won't be enough and I'll not be better off. You should always be eligible for child support though as it goes on the dad's wage, not yours.

OP posts:
Limaloma1 · 04/02/2018 12:42

Hi Quiddichcup,

I just wanted to say i completley understand where you are coming from. I don't think anyone can really understand the struggles of being a single parent unless you have actually been one. All the bad press from the tabloids about single parents getting everything for free doesnt help Angry. Well done for getting your pay rise and working hard to better yourself and daughter. Im in the same position as you and its tough x

rwalker · 04/02/2018 12:49

council tax discount is 25% for single occupancy i was not slagging you off just pointing out as 2 people with 1 1/2 wages we are not rolling in it agree work wise it is more flexible but we don't get any tax credit for child care as 1 1/2 wages just slightly too much to qualify so for ever up theres a down
and how ridiculous to suggest splitting a family

hungryhippo90 · 04/02/2018 13:46

Rwalker, not to be rude, but I think you are oversimplifying things. You don’t really have any idea how different it is being a single parent with no help at all, until you’ve been there.

As a mum who has been single, the biggest thing I can tell you is flexibility towards work changes SO much when you are part of a couple, when you can call your partner and say, “I need to stay 3/4/5 hours later at work tonight....” they do the pick up, they ensure your child has eaten, they pick up the slack that you can’t at that moment.

Being a single parent means often turning down that extra work, being viewed as less hardworking by your employers thus damaging prospects, then going home to look after your child and home, at which point you’re thinking how handy that extra £20/30/40/50 would have come in.

I don’t want to talk for anyone else, but being a single parent was for me atleast very demoralising and felt like a whirlwind of disaster after disaster.

Much respect to anyone who is trying to juggle a career and bringing up children on their own.

Tarraleaha · 04/02/2018 13:52

why do posters always assume that a working married parent can always rely on the other one for childcare? Do you really believe all couples are made of one working parent and one SAH one?

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 04/02/2018 14:02

why do posters always assume that a working married parent can always rely on the other one for childcare? Do you really believe all couples are made of one working parent and one SAH one?

Two working parents = two people who can take a day off to care for the child, either planned in advance or as an emergency when child is sick or childcare falls through etc. Two people who can juggle working hours so that one does drop-off, one does pick-up etc. Yes #notalltwoparentfamilies etc etc but how is it ever the case that TWO people being able to share the burden of childcare isn't easier than one person having to always do all of it?

I don't think it helps to claim that single parents have the trump card on hard work, but it's frankly untrue to suggest that, all else held equal, there aren't more options available when there are more parents in the home.

(And I say that as someone who is very happy to be a single parent.)

Viviennemary · 04/02/2018 14:06

Being a single parent must be very difficult. I don't think I would have coped. I think income tax is far too high for people on lowish wages. I'd like the personal allowance raised to £15k at the very minimum. Don't you get working tax credits and child credits?

Tarraleaha · 04/02/2018 14:17

how is it ever the case that TWO people being able to share the burden of childcare isn't easier than one person having to always do all of it?

yawn
I can give you so many examples of families where one of the parents isn't miraculously available at short or advanced notice.

Having a family and a big support network is essential, being able to drop the kids at parents, sisters or even SAH friends is the key. Expecting another working parent to be on call is nonsensical. How many teachers do you know take time off because their partner wants to do over time? How many doctors cancel on their patients because of their partners? How many cleaners can afford to take time off and keep their jobs?

Seriously, you can discuss how hard it is for 1 person to juggle everything, without immediately comparing with others and play the martyr game.

rwalker · 04/02/2018 14:26

last post on here i was commenting ONLY about the financial situation.
As for other comments about single parent of course 1 parent versus 2 very very hard .We can all argue various points is a couple with no family or support network harder done by than a single parent with a great family and support network . All our lives and situations are diffrent but sometime these thread get like top trumps with people trying to out do each other . There is always people better/worse off and we all have moments where we think life is unfair and up hill no matter what our personals circumstances are .