Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just feel utterly screwed as a single parent.

144 replies

Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 07:49

I've just got a new job. Pulled off a career move than should have taken 4 to 5 years to achieve. I'm going into a stressful, full on job, and I'll be on 19.5k
This seems like a big jump, but having just crunched my numbers I'll still only have a few hundred left a month after everything is paid.

If I just my balls and manage to get to the next pay band, I'll have a few thousand a year more in wages but nothing in real terms as I'll lose the final tiny amount of tax credits help I get.

I'm on a better wage than lots of women I know but with a far worse standard of living.

There still won't be much left to save either so things like emergencies/ holidays/ any out of the ordinary expense is still going to be catastrophic.

I was looking at holidays for dd and I but have given it up as it's too expensive. I've got some money coming to me from ppi but even 1000 isn't enough for a week in the sun...but a couple could go for 500 each ( with two wages coming in) and the child place would be free. While me, on one wage has to pay twice as that offer doesn't work.

I'm just having a moment where it feels like there doesn't seem to be a point where it gets easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 11:32

I know life isn't fair but I do think it's particularly unfair on women in the single parent situation. Quite often they are left with the majority of responsibility with no help and with little to no financial help from the father.
The job market is cut throat and trying to hold down a job and be a parent is very tricky even for 2 parent families but even more difficult for single parents. And when they try to move up the ladder, help is reduced so they are no better off yet in a more pressured/ stressful situation with no reward.

I would like to see this change for future generations. I really would. I don't think the state should pick up the pieces but I think the law/ culture needs to change regarding men's responsibility to their children.

OP posts:
shinygoldstars · 01/02/2018 11:38

OP do you have any friends you can buddy up with for holidays? My mum used to do that when I was little and it worked really well and cheaper! Sometimes it was a friend with kids, sometimes without but it was always really good.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 12:00

Nope, no single parent friends locally. I have one, several 100 miles away but she goes on holiday with her family.

Down side to working and being in a new town with a small child ( when I first moved here) there has never been the time/ money to make or cultivate friendships

OP posts:
ilovesouthlondon · 03/02/2018 09:11

Well done. This too will passFlowers

Partypopper123 · 03/02/2018 09:28

Congratulations on your new job & payrise.
I understand it's disheartening but your are far far better in the long run to be earning your own money and not being reliant on tax credit.You are earning your own money and not at the mercy of whatever reductions the govt. want to make to these benefits in the future.

Halie · 03/02/2018 09:40

£1000 is plenty for a holiday. Where are you looking? I've just been looking at all inclusives to Spain and Turkey for £300 including flights. Just tap in ''all inclusive cheap holidays'' on google - there are a few well known sites with good deals right now. If it's a problem with fitting it in around school days and the dates don't match to when you can go, then plan a week in the school holidays and do something different each day e.g. Monday: go to a farm and see the animals Tues: Go to a museum or aquarium, Weds: Go to the cinema etc etc.

I understand your frustration - I've spend 6 years training for a job which starts me on a similar wage and I have little wiggle room for emergencies. It can be very stressful/frightening especially when there's no one else's wage to fall back on. But I would drive myself absolutely insane if I sat here and compared my life to my friends/family. Don't do it. Make the best of what you have and enjoy a little break even if it's in the UK having some nice days out with your DD.

Angrybird345 · 03/02/2018 09:58

How can you get an £8k pa pay rise but be left with just £100 extra a month??? Am I missing something or that does not make sense.

soupforbrains · 03/02/2018 11:51

Angry I think you've missed the part about losing benefits.

Obviously in her pay packet the increase is a lot more than £100 a month. But because she is now earning more she has lost a lost of the child tax credit/working tax credit/housing benefit she was receiving.

So overall that actual difference for her in reality is £100/month.

poloniusandlaertes · 03/02/2018 11:53

YANBU.

It isn’t just holidays. Mortgage or rent coming out of one salary. My living costs are £1300 p/m. Split two ways that’s manageable, on one wage is hardly is and I’m sinking.

TrinitySquirrel · 03/02/2018 12:05

£1000 isnt enough for a week in the sun? Where are you looking? A week in Fuerte would be £180 for an apartment + £120 for flights then £700 for spends and food. What planet are you on OP?

pandarific · 03/02/2018 12:31

As well as a nice thing in general to be with a loving partner, it is definitely financially easier to be part of a couple.

Are you interested at all in finding a life partner? I understand you might not want that for various reasons.

But it sounds like you’re doing great anyway - for cheap sun holidays, icelolly and holiday pirates are particularly great.

HungerOfThePine · 03/02/2018 12:50

I can understand your frustration op, I have one dc and no proper skill set and earn a pittance yet I'm self employed in order for it to work around dc, I'm now aiming to study for the next couple yrs so I can have a better and more meaningful life and most definetly hope not to be relying on benefits in yrs to come, but in the meantime it's bloody hard.

Keep looking to the future, it will always be hard in the present but when you look back you will feel great about what you have achieved.

Could you look to save or plan for a holiday in a year or two's time?

swingofthings · 03/02/2018 12:55

This was me 15 years ago. I was working FT in a very demanding job, earning about £36K. Seems like a lot, but my two were in FT childcare, and even when DD moved to school, I lost the free childcare having to pay for breakfast and after school clubs. This with the mortgage on a simple 3 bed semi saw my deposit income very minimal. Add transport to work, repairs on the house (which was in need of renovation everywhere), repairs on the car etc... I really struggle to make ends meet. Like you, I was on my own, no family to help at all and an ex would only saw them for 1/2 day on Saturday and didn't pay a penny in maintenance.

It really hit me when I met up with an old friend who had just divorced. She claimed IS, interest on her house (a 3 bed semi but in an area that saw property prices go mad), tax credits and DLA for her child who had some mild difficulties and she herself admitted that she didn't incur additional costs because of his disability. At the end of the month, her disposable income was only £50 less than me. Yet she was full of beans whilst I was battling with exhaustion. I cried so hard that night!

It HAS paid off though, it really has and indeed, especially when my youngest started secondary school and it was the end of many years of paying childcare. By then, I had gone up the ladder twice and met my DH. I finally experienced life with a decent disposable income left at the end of the month.

My kids are now 18 and 15, and the eldest has had offers to go study medicine. We moved into OH's house years ago and the mortgage is all paid up and we are renting my previous property. We are enjoying a nice life, nice holidays but even better, we are in a position that means we will be able to retire early. Still a way to go, but still a nice prospect.

I am often told how lucky I am to be in that position. I am not lucky. I could have stopped worked and claimed IS for years. If I had, I wouldn't be in the position I am now. I am proud to have raised my children to be well adjusted and successful kids in their own rights.

I know it is very hard to see it at the time, I was just like you, but the future does come one day and with it the consequences of the choices we made. Hold on and you'll see the rewards before you know it.

ivykaty44 · 03/02/2018 13:13

As a single mum I would get a Monday ferry to France ( as it’s cheaper than Saturday or Sunday) take camping stuff each year and a small cooker, at least 7 days of store cupboard food that could be cooked easily. Stay in mostly municipal campsites ⛺️ as again they are cheaper. Municipal camps mostly have large swimming complexes next to then which are free to use if your camping on a municipal site. I also generally stayed inland

my dc lived taking the small boxes of cereal and having bread and cheese or ham for lunch

I went with a friend two years back and it cost us £700 all in for 10 nights away and an 11 th night in a travel lodge at Canterbury

We eat out three or four times

It can be done and is a lot of fun

ivykaty44 · 03/02/2018 13:14

Oh and the later in August you go the cheaper it is, prices usually drop on 21st

Primarkismyonlyoption · 03/02/2018 13:18

It feels endless op.i feel your pain. Its like being screwed for trying.

Primarkismyonlyoption · 03/02/2018 13:19

Ive can you pm me details please i am desperate for a holiday but cannot afford it. Will not drive abroad though am crap xx

motheroreily · 03/02/2018 13:20

Well done on the job.

Im in a similar situation. Id have been better off not working a few years ago but now I'm not paying nursery things aren't as bad. I just kept thinking of the long term. But it is disheartening especially when my job is stressful.

I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but me and my daughter go to butlins. I pay about £30 a month towards it. It's not a holiday in the sun but my daughter loves it and if she's happy and entertained then I'm happy and relaxed.

Keep going. It is hard and it feels unfair.

ivykaty44 · 03/02/2018 18:27

If you won’t drive abroad I can’t see how you could go to France camping ⛺️

Is there a reason you wouldn’t drive your own car abroad?

I guess you could get the train and take bikes and panniers for camping..?

Otherwise new forest camping for a week would be about two hundred then the equipment on top - but the weather can vary a lot more

Primarkismyonlyoption · 03/02/2018 18:32

Ok thanks. I am scared i wont know what to do on the other side of the road!
I've done Butlins so much and Haven. They are quite dear once there and want something new. Thanks both x

ivykaty44 · 03/02/2018 18:34

A quick look at Tui
For the 26 August for a week self catering and I fileterrd for Greece under 400 pp and there were several to choose from at around £720 for both of you which would leave £280 for spending on food etc

ilovesouthlondon · 04/02/2018 07:41

swingofthings you made my day. Thank you Star

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 04/02/2018 07:48

YANBU. I actually lost money when I took a promotion because I lost the carer’s allowance for my autistic DS.

But I keep telling myself it’ll be worth it in the end because I’m going forward in my career and that will pay off later.

Enb76 · 04/02/2018 07:55

Another option for holidays is youth hostels. We did the Black Forest for a week at 28€ a night. The flights were cheap low cost ones. Basic accommodation but affordable.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/02/2018 07:57

I hadn't seen the other posts. Thank you. It's inspiring , especially your post - swing of things..

I'd just been reading the pensions thread in chat and feeling crap about it so this has perked me up again.

I'm a little worried about stress levels and tiredness levels with the new job. I do 30 hours a week right now and it's not much more but it gives me a bit of time to do stuff.

And id love to have a good relationship, despite best efforts it hasn't happened and dating has been a pretty awful experience so I just don't want to, unless it was someone in real life.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread