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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just feel utterly screwed as a single parent.

144 replies

Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 07:49

I've just got a new job. Pulled off a career move than should have taken 4 to 5 years to achieve. I'm going into a stressful, full on job, and I'll be on 19.5k
This seems like a big jump, but having just crunched my numbers I'll still only have a few hundred left a month after everything is paid.

If I just my balls and manage to get to the next pay band, I'll have a few thousand a year more in wages but nothing in real terms as I'll lose the final tiny amount of tax credits help I get.

I'm on a better wage than lots of women I know but with a far worse standard of living.

There still won't be much left to save either so things like emergencies/ holidays/ any out of the ordinary expense is still going to be catastrophic.

I was looking at holidays for dd and I but have given it up as it's too expensive. I've got some money coming to me from ppi but even 1000 isn't enough for a week in the sun...but a couple could go for 500 each ( with two wages coming in) and the child place would be free. While me, on one wage has to pay twice as that offer doesn't work.

I'm just having a moment where it feels like there doesn't seem to be a point where it gets easier.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/02/2018 08:37

What really screws so many single parents is that non-resident parents are allowed to get away with paying nothing to support their kids.

kirinm · 01/02/2018 08:39

My ex didn't pay a penny in child maintenance. Fucked off at 3 months never to be seen again. In hindsight, I'm very pleased as he was a toxic individual.

ArnoldBee · 01/02/2018 08:40

I have a husband but as he's disabled I'm effectively a single parent with the equivalent of one wage to live off but more expense and more running round to do including paying for my step daughter.

It can feel lonely and the grass often feels greener and sometimes we all need to wallow but celebrate how well you've done.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 08:40

I've only done it because that was the only option available to me. It was that or nothing.

It was all I could give her so I made it as good as I could and just got on with it.

And people say they hate to camp and wouldn't i like a holiday in the sun. Haha well yes. But it's not going to happen so I've just done what I can.
Dd will be fine with whatever we do. I just thought maybe the job move might mean things are a bit easier but they don't be really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 08:43

I know there are lots of people in shitty situations. I'm not saying there aren't.

I just thought I had started to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it turned out it was just a mirage.

OP posts:
spidereye · 01/02/2018 08:44

Hi - we usually camp (not single parent, just broke) one year we booked cheap Ryanair flights to Venice and stayed at a Eurocamp site (Venue Holidays are slightly cheaper) Across the lagoon from Venice on the beach. You need to get midweek flights to make it cheaper and go at Whitsun rather than during the summer holiday

soupforbrains · 01/02/2018 08:44

Hello! I completely understand as I've been in the same position.

It can become very demoralising when you work so hard on your career and achieve great steps only to see hardly any gain from it because it really only covers what you lose in benefits.

Stick with it though and it DOES get better I promise. One day you will be out the other side. For now take solace in the fact that you are making progress AND that you are far more independent of the state now than you were before.

In terms of the holidays, that IS tricky. I earn much better now and can manage ok but I still can't afford holidays like other families because of the way the pricing is done. Two tricks I've used in the past are keeping an eye out for when the tabloid papers do the 'collect the vouchers daily and get a holiday for £50' things, and buying the papers solely for the vouchers. And also the other thing I did was book some time off work so I knew I had it ready. and then waited until the few weeks before the time off and look at the last minute deals in the window of the travel agents. They do some VERY good reduced price offers when they're trying to just fill up their planes etc. Also try having a look on Teletext holidays, they also have some good deals.

Failing that, try to remember that fancy holidays aren't an essential part of your DDs childhood, when I talk to my DS about his favourite holidays some of them are the ones where I took time off and just planned a series of day tips/outings keeping the budget as low as possible.

Basically, Congratulations on your promotion/payrise, well done on working so hard, good luck with the holiday hunt and the future career. and stick with it. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. Flowers

LemonysSnicket · 01/02/2018 08:49

Me and DP are going camping throughout his summer! A decent camp bed and warm clothes and it’s a real adventure! Try somewhere like Cornwall or Yorkshire!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 08:51

Soup- that just made me cry.
Thank you.

I am absolutely determined to get my career back to how it was pre ex husband. On this wage I'm still not earning back what I was in 2002! But I'll get there again. And I'll keep pushing till I do. I've got the next 5 years of career moves mapped out- it's just like climbing a mountain but not actually getting any further up it.

OP posts:
AmIAWeed · 01/02/2018 08:52

When I separated with my childrens Dad CAB told me I'd be better off on benefits unless I was earning more than £21k - that was 12 years ago and at the time I was earning just £16k. Absolute kick in the teeth

It took blummin hard work but I hit £21k 3 years later when my son started school, although I was still worse off because I'd accrued debt.
At one point I took a second job doing telephone fundraising from home and they cut my tax credits by more than the job paid, so I quit that quickly!
Now though, I do earn a good wage. Far more than I'd ever get through benefits, and at no risk of that amount dropping when my kids move out.
My now husband has said if I hadn't had a good job he wouldn't have considered dating me, potentially shallow but also a reality.
Quite simply your situation isn't fair, it's bloody hard work but it WILL get better and you are showing your daughter the best things in life are worth working for not just having the instant fix.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 08:55

Lemony- yeah, I've been camping for the last 10 years.

OP posts:
ThePinkPanter · 01/02/2018 09:10

You should be super proud that you're becoming more independent. Earning your own money instead of depending on the government is a great example to your daughter.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 09:16

I've worked since she was born.
But my career took a nose dive because of childcare and responsibility and I couldn't do it all on my own.

So I ended up on low wage jobs because they fitted in with dd.

Digging myself out of this trap feels like it's monumental. But I don't see how, without more support I could have carried on with my career.

It just makes me angry for women.

OP posts:
MissMouseMcPhee · 01/02/2018 09:26

A wee tip for eurocamp type hols. Eurocamp hike up the price of camping considerably. If you find a nice site you like somewhere with cheap flights, look up the site and book directly with them. We always do this and save a fortune. Eurocamp, canvass etc often cost more just for the luxury of having an English speaking rep but everywhere we have gone it's been totally unnecessary.

hungryhippo90 · 01/02/2018 09:37

Op, there are ways of having holidays much cheaper than you have said, if you want I’ll help you find one- I’ve become a bit addicted to looking for holiday deals!

I completely understand what you are saying, but you may not be single forever, and your earnings will jump. Please try not to get the mentality that things will always be the same, im sure it causes a lot of people to become depressed.

I know what single parenting is like, and how sometimes if you work 60 hours a week it’s still not enough. And even if it were you’d feel guilty about something else.

You are doing a great job, and congratulations on your promotion.

soupforbrains · 01/02/2018 09:40

Quiddi sorry for making you cry. I just wanted to give you some praise and encouragement. I know how hard it is, and it is so, so demoralising. You sounds like you've really really got the motivation and drive to succeed though so I'm certain that it won't be long before you can breathe a bit more.

ohlittlepea · 01/02/2018 09:41

1000 is more than enough for a lovely holiday :) but it is a real pain that you end up paying as if you are a couple anyway! It is frustrating working so hard and being worse off than your peers.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 01/02/2018 09:44

What sort off holiday are you you looking at? Own flights, own accommodation thru owners direct or look for caravan style places... B n b? We are larger family of four and once went away for one night, b nb was pricey for us but right by beach, sun was shining it was two hour drive away.. Left early left late it felt alot longer than one night.... Look around, don't go near packages unless sales are on. Book ej flights at 5am when they get released! Stay in hostels... In UK even in sumer they do 25% off and they have family en suite rooms..

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 09:44

Hippo, I've been single for 12 years, bar a few odds months on and off where we tried to sort things out. And as a result i was left homeless/ jobless and miles and miles from family for the 2nd time in 2 years.

I HAVE to assume this won't change and make my own provisions.

And that's not being rude , I just can't rely on anyone but myself to make things work.

But, any holiday help is appreciated.

I don't know what to do for the best. I'd dearly love to go on a plane and to a beach and to not have to cook but then I think I should just do a weeks camp and that will be fine. I'd like a camping porch and that will help in bad weather.

Or I was looking at air b and b as that might be cheaper than a caravan ( when I was thinking of that- but that's way out of my price range too)

OP posts:
Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 01/02/2018 09:50

That is frustrating, that a biggish pay rise doesn't translate to being anything like as much better off.

I would say though that with a 12 year old you can be much more spontaneous with holidays than you have been with a younger child - last minute independent travel and city breaks are now an option. You're more in the position of the sole eaner supporting a partner in terms of travel as your DD basically counts as an adult. My DD is 12 too and we also have two younger ones - I often travel alone with the kids and just book DD as an adult.
Holiday wise at least you can do a lot more, and be adventurous on a budget.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 01/02/2018 09:51

I did just have a holiday. I went to stay with a friend abroad. I did not pay for it. And I cried every single day because it didn't feel real. And I couldn't believe it had happened.

And I came back and said to dd that we have to go away again. I want to, so much. It was the most exciting thing that has happened to me in about 20 years. We live a really simple life and I thought it might be in reach and then I crunched numbers, realised nothing much will have changed and just feel so despondent.

I'll keep going with my plans. But it's crap. It's crap for all single parents. I'm in awe of how people come though the other side when the odds are so stacked.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 01/02/2018 09:58

Op you can just pay for your dd as an adult to get deals.

comfortandjoy · 01/02/2018 09:58

With the holiday idea. Do you have another friend with a child similar age? My daughter's friend's mum is a sole parent and she invited us to share a holiday apartment , three bed. It worked well. We still went out and did seperate things but was nice for kids to play together at the pool, beach.

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/02/2018 10:02

Also I would take your dd at the end of June and just pay the £60.

WelcomeToThePartyPal · 01/02/2018 10:03

I'm a SP and I'm not aware of this 'other side' everyone is talking about Confused

I work full time (youngest are now early teens) and get no CM. I recently got a small pay rise but it just reduced my tax credits. I can't afford a holiday and I live in a part of the UK that involves travel to a 'big' airport so it would cost me even more.

I get home at night exhausted, my house is a tip and I worry I'm not giving my DC enough attention. I have a work pension but it's practically nothing so when I retire I will be worse off than I am now.

Where's this light again? Confused