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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he? Husband criticising my parenting.

107 replies

QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 20:08

My husband has been working overseas for the past two months (bar 2 weeks at Xmas). I’m a stay at home Mum with a 1 year old (2 this spring) and a 4 year old.

A lot of the time, things tick over pretty well when DH is away but anyone with kids those ages know that they can have their moments, and it can be exhausting at times.

Anyway, my husband video called us this evening. All was going well, there was the odd little squabble going on in the background while I was speaking to him (mild squabbling over toys, the usual) but nothing major in the slightest. Then DD2 threw a toy while playing with it. Nothing malicious in it, just as part of her play. I’m teaching her at the moment that it’s not nice to throw. I told her to have a time out so she went and sat down. Anyway, I’m normally very on the ball with my girls but trying to hold a conversation while they’re running round me has it’s challenges. She was crawling about a bit which normally I would have told her to stay put but I was trying to tell DH something important so I let it slide. I called her over but, in that moment, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what I’d given her a time out for. I can honestly say, that is a first, so I just gave her a kiss and a cuddle had a little giggle with her and told her to go and play. Anyway, DH started saying how that’s not okay and I’m way to soft on her, not being consistent and having a laugh with her when she’s done wrong. I told him that I knew I had dropped the ball there and I calmly explained I didn’t think it was fair of him to pass judgement on one mistake. It would be different if that’s how I handled every situation but he knows it’s not. Also, he’s not here to see how consistent I have been all day long.

He’s basically got annoyed now and thinks it’s a joke that I’m telling him he can’t voice his opinion on this. He is never alone with the kids, I’m always there when he’s home and he has no idea how difficult it can be to juggle things and I know I do a damn good job. I don’t expect him to start slating me as soon as I have a moment where I’m not on 100% top parenting form. Anyway, he’s now annoyed at me and I don’t know if I’ve been unreasonable here? Maybe I should have just said “you’re right, it doesn’t normally happen but I just dropped the ball there”. Maybe I was too defensive? I just find it quite patronising when I take care of the kids 24/7. He knows how I discipline the kids and he didn’t have any complaints over Xmas so I think he should have just let it slide.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 20:12

Fuck. You gave a 1 year old a time out for playing with her toy and he thinks you’re too soft?? Shock

Chaosofcalm · 30/01/2018 20:15

I think she is way too young for time out.

Original poster
QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 20:15

She has quite a throw on her!! 😆 I’ve been trying to teach her before she knocks someone else’s kid out! 😂

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2018 20:15

Everyone is an expert when they don't actually have to do it. Next time he's home, go away for a couple of days. See how he copes.

Original poster
QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 20:16

It’s not a very formal thing. As soon as she throws something, I say calmly, “DD2, go for a timeout”, she she’s down for 30 seconds then goes back to playing again.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 30/01/2018 20:16

I told her to have a time out so she went and sat down.

Time out teaches the wrong thing at the best of time. An under 2 has no idea why they are there so it’s utterly pointless.

Original poster
QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 20:16

*she sits

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 20:18

Tittygolightly I’ve seen it work in under 2s.

OP posts:
illustrious · 30/01/2018 20:18

YANBU - I have a DP who’s away from home frequently and she doesn’t get to comment on my parenting! Well, she does occasionally but I shut her down sharpish. She worries about the kids when away, feels a bit guilty too I think. Could his over reaction be to do with that?

eurochick · 30/01/2018 20:18

I'm with Donny?

Is he generally a twat about parenting stuff?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 20:18

Sounds like a textbook time out to me. Not sure what would be needed to make it “formal” Confused

You punished her for playing a little over enthusiastically. I’d have just said “look DD, throw like this” and shown her a little gentle throw.

Original poster
QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 20:18

Anyway, that’s really not the point of the thread.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 30/01/2018 20:20

Suppose it depends what your definition of “works” is.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 20:21

Ok, to address your question, if you have children with someone they get a say in how they’re disciplined. He thinks you’re wrong. You think he’s wrong. I think you’re both wrong. But it’s not my child so you just get to argue it out with him Grin

FitBitFanClub · 30/01/2018 20:21

Hell no, would I have just said “you’re right, it doesn’t normally happen but I just dropped the ball there”. Angry

I'd have asked him if he had any other useful parenting tips and if he didn't like what I was doing he could get himself home and have a go himself and see how far it got him.

Astounds me some of the shit that people put up with from their partners.

Original poster
QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 20:21

That might work well for your children DonnyandVlad each to their own.

OP posts:
TheBakeryQueen · 30/01/2018 20:21

No yanbu, this would infuriate me to be honest!

Tell him that when he is back next, you're going to take a step back and bow down to his superior parenting by going away for a spa break by yourself or with friends, leaving him to it. Maybe Skype him when you're away so you can critique his parenting.

JaniceBattersby · 30/01/2018 20:24

I’d have to,d him that, quite frankly, while I’m on my own with two ore-school children for two months, all fed none dead is considered a win. Christ. He should be patting you on the back and thanking you for doing such a great job while he basks in a world of room service and no housework.

SleightOfMind · 30/01/2018 20:25

OP:
I’m feeling a bit shit as DP has criticised my parenting while not having a clue how to do it himself.

Mumsnet: We don’t know you, your situation or your daughter but we’ll criticise your parenting anyway!

Pleasebeafleabite · 30/01/2018 20:27

Do what bakeryqueen suggests Grin

Dozer · 30/01/2018 20:28

He WBU. He is absent working for months at a time and never has the DC alone so is in a poor position to comment!

NorthernLightsAlways · 30/01/2018 20:29

At bottom, this is about you both feeling under appreciated. Ignore this - he’s feeling uninvolved and trying to have some input (albeit in a negative way), you’re feeling lonely, undermined and unappreciated.

You need to pick up the phone when they’re in bed and have a proper non adversarial conversation - why aren’t the calls when the kids are up just about the kids talking to their dad and a different call for you two to talk as grownups later/at another time?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2018 20:29

if you have children with someone they get a say in how they’re disciplined

Not remotely you don't. Those in the trenches get to manage as they see fit. He's not fucking management and he doesn't get to direct from afar.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 20:30

We don’t know you, your situation or your daughter but we’ll criticise your parenting anyway!

Except we do know what she told us and it was what she told us that I was criticising so....

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 20:32

Agree with northern lights. You’re both coming at this form different Angles for different reasons. Tables turned and you’d probably pick him up on not following through or whatever.