AIBU or is he? Husband criticising my parenting.

[QueenOfSpades6]

My husband has been working overseas for the past two months (bar 2 weeks at Xmas). I’m a stay at home Mum with a 1 year old (2 this spring) and a 4 year old.

A lot of the time, things tick over pretty well when DH is away but anyone with kids those ages know that they can have their moments, and it can be exhausting at times.

Anyway, my husband video called us this evening. All was going well, there was the odd little squabble going on in the background while I was speaking to him (mild squabbling over toys, the usual) but nothing major in the slightest. Then DD2 threw a toy while playing with it. Nothing malicious in it, just as part of her play. I’m teaching her at the moment that it’s not nice to throw. I told her to have a time out so she went and sat down. Anyway, I’m normally very on the ball with my girls but trying to hold a conversation while they’re running round me has it’s challenges. She was crawling about a bit which normally I would have told her to stay put but I was trying to tell DH something important so I let it slide. I called her over but, in that moment, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what I’d given her a time out for. I can honestly say, that is a first, so I just gave her a kiss and a cuddle had a little giggle with her and told her to go and play. Anyway, DH started saying how that’s not okay and I’m way to soft on her, not being consistent and having a laugh with her when she’s done wrong. I told him that I knew I had dropped the ball there and I calmly explained I didn’t think it was fair of him to pass judgement on one mistake. It would be different if that’s how I handled every situation but he knows it’s not. Also, he’s not here to see how consistent I have been all day long.

He’s basically got annoyed now and thinks it’s a joke that I’m telling him he can’t voice his opinion on this. He is never alone with the kids, I’m always there when he’s home and he has no idea how difficult it can be to juggle things and I know I do a damn good job. I don’t expect him to start slating me as soon as I have a moment where I’m not on 100% top parenting form. Anyway, he’s now annoyed at me and I don’t know if I’ve been unreasonable here? Maybe I should have just said “you’re right, it doesn’t normally happen but I just dropped the ball there”. Maybe I was too defensive? I just find it quite patronising when I take care of the kids 24/7. He knows how I discipline the kids and he didn’t have any complaints over Xmas so I think he should have just let it slide.

The money is definitely shared fairly. DH has to attend compulsory work events when he’s home and when he’s away so he naturally has a good social life from that side of things. He does go without though with regards to other things, as I do.

A) one is too small for timeouts get a grip
B) he who doesn’t have to do the work, doesn’t get to judge - he needs to stfu.

It is not good for your mental health to be isolated and home alone all day and night with children.

My mental health has taken a bit of a nose dive so I know you’re right. I’ll see what I can organise once DH gets home. Even if I only attend these things while he’s home, hopefully it will still have an impact.

When my dp is away we send videos of dp talking to kids and watch and re watch at our leisure. It works much better than a video call when you have two to contend with. Send him lots of videos of the kids being Angels and supper great behaviour. I would not want to speak to someone who put me down like that and I couldn't be with someone ho couldn't talk through a difference of opinion.

YANBU but I think you should be a bit firmer about standing your ground with your husband. Why did you say 'i dropped the ball there?' instead of 'why are you criticising me when I am here on my own doing my best and you are never alone with the children?'

@JaniceBattersby all fed none dead is my new life motto

and seriously you ARENT overreacting. Hes being massively insensitive and unsupportive. Looking after your children is essentially your job at the moment. He is not doing it, he is not there. How would he feel if you randomly criticised how he was doing his job from something you saw out of the corner of a video chat?? I mean this is your shared money hes making so you ought to be able to have a say in how he does his job if you think hes not up to scratch right??

I think he might react badly to that and find it upsetting rather than helpful. So you are well within your rights to react badly to what he just did to you.

Im a SAHM and i would have gone ballistic if my husband ever spoke to me like that over a video call.
Chats about parenting approaches are fine. Criticising you for something he saw out of the corner of his eye over a video chat, in hearing of the child involved, when hes not even actually there? NO.

When my DC were little: If DH facetimed he knew the call would be dropped if things got too much here, and long chats were for after little ones were in bed. Little children will get bored if they are ignored too long.
The time outs may seem to work now. But may well start to not work in the future.
To be honest a loud "No" worked much better in making my DC knowing that I their action was wrong. Your DD might well interpret "timeout" as a fun game that you do randomly (like playing peepo). Cause and effect is not something that she can learn yet. As to knowing that "timeout" is a punishment.
You need to get out - even if just to toddler groups. Are there any existing surestart centres near you? Do they have "stay and play"?
Talk to your health visitor, they may have suggestions. Be honest how much your DH is away.
And yes he has no right to "undermine" you and certainly not over a skylpe call.

I take my hat off to you- I nearly had a breakdown last time dh went away for 2 nights! Definitely try and get out to something that's more for you than the kids...book group, baby cinema etc.

Wrt throwing - ds was a thrower and had a good swing on him. I was similarly worried, and occasionally had to profusely apologise, about him lobbing things at baby groups. Initially he did it as part of play and then it was whenever he was frustrated. The only half effective strategy was to remove whatever he'd thrown - we had a very high shelf in the playroom for years but it was more complicated when dd came along and he threw joint toys...
At baby groups I had to literally tail him to block any flying objects from other dc!

Hope your dh calms down and sees your perspective. He's probably missing you all and wants to feel involved, but he was an arse about it.

Good Queen, I'm glad you will try to plan some stuff for yourself once your DH is back.

You say he goes without things too because you're short of cash and that's good but he is still getting out and socializing through his job. Your job right now, as a SAHM, is very isolating so you have every right to find things to do for yourself to make up for that.

Book club or baby cinema are also good suggestions from upthread. I signed up for a book club when DC1 was a toddler and running club when DC2 was a toddler. They were both free to join so cost me no money but made a big difference to my wellbeing. I was in the same boat with DH away traveling for work for weeks at a time and no family nearby to help.

You need to do something for you.
Money is tight, and childcare is sparse but could you get a worker from your DD's nursery to babysit for you and go out for an hour or two one Saturday, a cup of coffee in a cafe with a book or magazine can help.
Or going for a walk on your own.
You do need a mummy recharge so you can feel stronger when your DH chucks his toys out of the pram. You are doing your best and that is the best thing any parent can do for their child

God there are some vile people on here - way to make someone feel shit while they're feeling down Is there any need?

OP, have a talk with your hubby face to face - he's got a snapshot of what your life is with two under 2's and it's bloody hard.

Ignore the posters who haven't answered what you posted about and felt superior to comment on your parenting - you're doing a fab job and come across as a caring mother.

He is a micro-managing twat.

I would be annoyed with DH. Lots of kids of that age throw toys. I would have just given her a sharp word. Time out probably not necessary and I am quite strict. She may have thrown it to get your or DH's attention.

1. if you're rethinking about your small decisions like a time out, then it means you're probably a good mum, so don't worry
2. dh was insensitive but I think you are not used to confronting him on things like this. You should start. What way of confronting will suit you, you know best, depending on your personalities and relationship. Otherwise, this will never stop. plan and then do it, over a course of time.
3. think and plan of a diversion, such as work etc, sahm-ing is a lonely journey.

My version of 'all fed, none dead' is 'food in one end, keep the other end clean'. The basics of baby care.

OP you do need something for you. And don't appease DH just because he makes a fuss. If you're right, you're right. And in this case you are.

It is completely ri that your DH has never spent time alone with his children.

I’m quite embarrassed on his behalf.

Next time he is home, take yourself out for a walk, go to the cinema (it’s fab going alone) or wander round a shopping mall/museum/gallery for a few hours.

It’s really, really important that he builds a relationship with his children.

@reDoux find me all the threads of women who work away for months on end and criticize their DH's parenting by Skype...

I'll wait.

The person who actually DOES the job doesn't defer to the person who has never once in four years done the job. Not once. Even if he was home for Christmas and wanted to discuss the parenting with her, and pitched in, great! But he doesn't parent, at all.

He does earn money and that's great. But if you delegate all the earning to one parent and all the childcare to the other, the SAH parent is in charge. She's not staff to be supervised.

If the SAH parent is abusive or neglectful that's a different story.

I am concerned that your DH is implying you are not hard enough on your 1-year-old! She is one! A baby! What on earth is he suggesting you do? Saying you are getting things wrong with her when he barely sees her is worrying. I don't sense a loving bond between him and your youngest. In fact, I would not be surprised if this is actually resentment towards your baby, as when he is home, he has to share you with the baby and when you are on the phone to him, you are giving your baby love and affection and therefore not giving him the attention he thinks he deserves.

I spy a narcissist and it seems he is already pitting golden child against scapegoat! I would be very careful OP as if I am right and your DH is scapegoating your baby then you need to seriously consider getting out of a relationship that will be emotionally abusive for your DD. I honestly hope I am wrong but I don't think I am.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201409/10-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/toxic-families-who-scapegoat/

It’s really hard for both of you when work takes you apart. Everyday comments that would be discussions were you together feel like criticism. For him, it must feel like he’s very distant and not as involved as he wants to be so he makes crack handed comments that are him trying to be involved more.
Try not to be upset.
Can the children Skype with you and show daddy what they’ve made/done? Can they draw him special pictures and send him cards? Can they send ‘ selfies’ to daddy with things they’ve done during the day. Sweet pictures of them being lovely. Lots of messages and pictures to make him feel part of the family and to help him keep up to date with them.

It's so easy to be the parent when you;re in Dubai or Singapore and the children are in SW London, isn't it...

on your behalf, OP.
He has no right to second guess a single thing you do with the girls. The cheek of him.

If you think this man's comments had any actual thinking behind them, or any information beyond what he saw in a few minutes on skype, then you are barking up the wrong tree, reDoux.

If a parent who works away wants to chip in, then the best thing to do is to tell the sahp that he or she is always in their thoughts, they are doing a great job, they miss them, and wish they were closer.

Then when they come home they spend time with the children to give the sahp a break. They do not demoralise them from a distance and from what they assume to be the great height above it all on which they perch, casting judgement and hurt on someone who is handling all the utter shit that life with small children entails, day after day after day.

The only reason someone would do a shitty thing like that is if he had some sort of control complex.