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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is he? Husband criticising my parenting.

107 replies

QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 20:08

My husband has been working overseas for the past two months (bar 2 weeks at Xmas). I’m a stay at home Mum with a 1 year old (2 this spring) and a 4 year old.

A lot of the time, things tick over pretty well when DH is away but anyone with kids those ages know that they can have their moments, and it can be exhausting at times.

Anyway, my husband video called us this evening. All was going well, there was the odd little squabble going on in the background while I was speaking to him (mild squabbling over toys, the usual) but nothing major in the slightest. Then DD2 threw a toy while playing with it. Nothing malicious in it, just as part of her play. I’m teaching her at the moment that it’s not nice to throw. I told her to have a time out so she went and sat down. Anyway, I’m normally very on the ball with my girls but trying to hold a conversation while they’re running round me has it’s challenges. She was crawling about a bit which normally I would have told her to stay put but I was trying to tell DH something important so I let it slide. I called her over but, in that moment, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what I’d given her a time out for. I can honestly say, that is a first, so I just gave her a kiss and a cuddle had a little giggle with her and told her to go and play. Anyway, DH started saying how that’s not okay and I’m way to soft on her, not being consistent and having a laugh with her when she’s done wrong. I told him that I knew I had dropped the ball there and I calmly explained I didn’t think it was fair of him to pass judgement on one mistake. It would be different if that’s how I handled every situation but he knows it’s not. Also, he’s not here to see how consistent I have been all day long.

He’s basically got annoyed now and thinks it’s a joke that I’m telling him he can’t voice his opinion on this. He is never alone with the kids, I’m always there when he’s home and he has no idea how difficult it can be to juggle things and I know I do a damn good job. I don’t expect him to start slating me as soon as I have a moment where I’m not on 100% top parenting form. Anyway, he’s now annoyed at me and I don’t know if I’ve been unreasonable here? Maybe I should have just said “you’re right, it doesn’t normally happen but I just dropped the ball there”. Maybe I was too defensive? I just find it quite patronising when I take care of the kids 24/7. He knows how I discipline the kids and he didn’t have any complaints over Xmas so I think he should have just let it slide.

OP posts:

Sprinklestar · 30/01/2018 21:23

He sounds like a prize twat. He’s never alone with the kids? What would happen if something happened to you?! I bet you don’t get equal leisure time either. How often do you get to go out when he’s not there?

Original poster

QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 21:23

I have no friends or family here. I go out a grand total of zero hours per week.

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 30/01/2018 21:24

I'd say, "What would you do, then?" and when he gave his opinion, I'd say, "Why don't you ever fucking do it, then?" and slam the phone down.

Original poster

QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 21:24

I’ve been on one night out since my DD was born 4.5 years ago.

OP posts:

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 21:25

I think you gave his opinion far more response than it needed tbh. I would have just rolled my eyes and changed the subject. But I suspect her being an angel child at Xmas with him Home has something to do with it. Are you second guessing your own methods?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 21:26

You need to get yourself a life!! Go out, get friends, get hobbies. Havent you made any friends at toddler group etc?

Whatevszz · 30/01/2018 21:27

Your DH sounds unsupportive and controlling, not a great combo.

InionEile · 30/01/2018 21:28

What a way to undermine you in front of the children and to undermine your self-confidence. It's hard enough to parent solo for 2 months without that bullshit to contend with. He should be thanking you for what you do all day with two small DC, not undermining you remotely via FaceTime.

If he is so worried about his children's welfare, why doesn't he come home and do it all himself? Tell him he can hire a full-time, live-in nanny to replace you if he doesn't think you are capable.

It's one thing to come home and offer an opinion on something he is concerned about with regard to the kids e.g. sleep habits or tantrums and then suggest ways to tackle it together. That's having an opinion and he's entitled to that. He's not entitled to criticize you and pick holes in what you do when he's never there to parent himself.

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 30/01/2018 21:31

I'm amazed you haven't gone stir crazy and murdered him

Sign up for some classes or join a gym or a book group or something! Make some friends. Or if you can't be bothered with more social interaction go to an art gallery or find some lovely walks or cycle rides or whatever floats your boat. You need a break. He needs to do some parenting. Your kids need 2 competent parents. It'll be good for all of you.

Original poster

QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 21:33

I can’t go to anything on my own. We don’t have the spare money for DD2 to do any nursery hours so she’s with me 24/7. DD1 gets her free 15 hours but is with me the rest of the time. We’ve recently relocated here so I’m going to baby groups but that’s about as much as I can do.

OP posts:

CaMePlaitPas · 30/01/2018 21:33

No one's perfect OP, but you're doing your best and your girls seem happy. I would let your husband's mood and his reaction wash over you, you're there he isn't. When he comes back he can implement his style of parenting and you can both decide which works the best but until then...

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 30/01/2018 21:37

Message him back:

I'm "uptight" not because you shared your opinion, but because you don't appreciate that the way that you did it makes you sound like a manager and me your subordinate. It's hard work and I have zero support and no breaks from being with the kids. I don't want to start a fight with you but you have no idea what it's like because you have never done it yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, including you. Perhaps you might bear this in mind the next time you see something which doesn't match up to your high standards of parenting.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/01/2018 21:37

No friends, no nights out. That's very very wrong. What's going on there?

As for this way of it closing: Then, when we couldn’t come to an agreement, he said “I’m just going to go.” I hung up, but now I’m feeling annoyed. He doesn’t see my point of view at all I wouldn't be bothered by that as an outcome myself. You have agreed to disagree. You will continue to do what you believe to be right. He isn't in a position to interfere in anyway. You have all the power over day to day parenting, he has none.

Embrace the agreeing to disagree and the fact that you have all the power here. If I were you I would walk over to the phone right now (hung up phone, no one on it) and blow a great big raspberry at it, while giving it the finger furiously, as a symbolic gesture towards his nonsense even though he will never know you did it. Then let it go and carry on like nothing happened.

user764329056 · 30/01/2018 21:37

Bloody hell, you’re trying to look after the kids, have a conversation and he sits there in judgement having not had to deal with the kids alone all day as you have, I would have been really pissed off with him

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 21:37

Keep going to those groups. And invite parents to yours for coffee if you can’t stretch go going out for coffee. Honestly, social life is so important when you are SAH. I got massively depressed when I gave up work to SAH because I wasn’t seeing anyone and being on your own with just your children all day every day is really crushing. Everyone needs respite from that. Even if you have to bring the kids, just make sure you’re seeing other adults a couple of times a week at least.

corrianderisthedevil · 30/01/2018 21:39

OP I think you're a hero for getting through the last 2 months with a Husband working overseas. It was a blip, perhaps more so on his side. Maybe he feels a bit out of control being so far away and this was an attempt to offer advice/his bit on the parenting side of things but worded it wrong. You keep going. I fully sympathise on how tough these early years are and it sounds like you're doing an amazing job. Ignore the posters passing comment on whether time out is/isn't appropriate for a nearly 2 year old. That's your call, not theirs.

Original poster

QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 21:39

No friends, no nights out. That's very very wrong. What's going on there?

I have friends, just none local to me. No spare money for socialising anyway so it’s no big deal. I suppose I’ve taken his comments to heart so much because my every waking minute revolves around those girls and I do my best.

OP posts:

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 30/01/2018 21:40

Why can't you go out on your own? I get he's overseas at the moment, but that can't be the only reason if it's been a problem for over 4 years?

BewareOfDragons · 30/01/2018 21:42

Wait. You are 'on' 24/7 for 60 days running, roughly, entirely on your own, and he is criticizing literally a 10 second snapshot?

He's an ass.

Please make plans to go away with a friend for a long weekend when he returns. Let him have them on his own while you have a break.

Original poster

QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 21:43

Why can't you go out on your own? I get he's overseas at the moment, but that can't be the only reason if it's been a problem for over 4 years

We’ve had to relocate a few times in the last few years (long story). It’s a mixture of that and not having the spare money. Once DD2 is eligible for nursery funding, I’ll be able to work again and money won’t be an issue. That’s over a year and a half away though.

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 21:45

I’m still in my 20s. I’ve literally had the worst social life for a 20 something. It’s been worth it though to have the girls. I’ll appreciate it next year when I finally get some much needed me time though.

OP posts:

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 21:47

I suppose I’ve taken his comments to heart so much because my every waking minute revolves around those girls and I do my best.

I would say that’s the crux of it. They’re all you do so it felt like he was attacking the only thing you have to be proud of and that you work so hard at.

InionEile · 30/01/2018 21:49

Does your DH get to go out and do stuff when he's around or is there only 'no spare cash' when you want to go out and do something? I hope it's not the case that he gets to spend 'his' money on himself but you can't go out and do stuff because then you're just wasting 'his' money...

You have every right to spend the household money, regardless who earns it, as long as it's shared fairly between both of you.

InionEile · 30/01/2018 21:50

And there are lots of free things you can do with friends e.g. join a running or hiking club to meet up with people on weekends to do something fun that costs nothing. It is not good for your mental health to be isolated and home alone all day and night with children.

catkind · 30/01/2018 21:50

I get that it's hard for both of you that he's away so much of the time. But if DH did that to me he would have been waiting for a long time for another skype call with the kids.

He was effectively there at the time. If he wanted the time out sorted he could have stopped talking to you and said "oops, I think she's getting out of time out, do you want to go and sort it?". He could have got her attention and said something about not throwing after the time out. He could have asked you how she was getting on with learning not to throw and listened with sympathy and maybe contributed a suggestion or two. That's co-parenting. Not sitting there distracting you and then criticizing you for being distracted.

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