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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he? Husband criticising my parenting.

107 replies

QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 20:08

My husband has been working overseas for the past two months (bar 2 weeks at Xmas). I’m a stay at home Mum with a 1 year old (2 this spring) and a 4 year old.

A lot of the time, things tick over pretty well when DH is away but anyone with kids those ages know that they can have their moments, and it can be exhausting at times.

Anyway, my husband video called us this evening. All was going well, there was the odd little squabble going on in the background while I was speaking to him (mild squabbling over toys, the usual) but nothing major in the slightest. Then DD2 threw a toy while playing with it. Nothing malicious in it, just as part of her play. I’m teaching her at the moment that it’s not nice to throw. I told her to have a time out so she went and sat down. Anyway, I’m normally very on the ball with my girls but trying to hold a conversation while they’re running round me has it’s challenges. She was crawling about a bit which normally I would have told her to stay put but I was trying to tell DH something important so I let it slide. I called her over but, in that moment, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what I’d given her a time out for. I can honestly say, that is a first, so I just gave her a kiss and a cuddle had a little giggle with her and told her to go and play. Anyway, DH started saying how that’s not okay and I’m way to soft on her, not being consistent and having a laugh with her when she’s done wrong. I told him that I knew I had dropped the ball there and I calmly explained I didn’t think it was fair of him to pass judgement on one mistake. It would be different if that’s how I handled every situation but he knows it’s not. Also, he’s not here to see how consistent I have been all day long.

He’s basically got annoyed now and thinks it’s a joke that I’m telling him he can’t voice his opinion on this. He is never alone with the kids, I’m always there when he’s home and he has no idea how difficult it can be to juggle things and I know I do a damn good job. I don’t expect him to start slating me as soon as I have a moment where I’m not on 100% top parenting form. Anyway, he’s now annoyed at me and I don’t know if I’ve been unreasonable here? Maybe I should have just said “you’re right, it doesn’t normally happen but I just dropped the ball there”. Maybe I was too defensive? I just find it quite patronising when I take care of the kids 24/7. He knows how I discipline the kids and he didn’t have any complaints over Xmas so I think he should have just let it slide.

OP posts:
LineySt · 30/01/2018 20:32

Wtf?

The baby is 1, not yet 2. She's supposed to play.

Original poster
QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 20:37

LineySt you’re entitled to your opinion. You’ve not seen how she throws. I tried teaching her other ways but this way has been most effective and she’s doing it far less. There are small babies at the groups we go to so I need her to learn this before she hurts someone.

OP posts:
NorthernLightsAlways · 30/01/2018 20:40

ps I do love on mumsnet when people come along for advice about a problem that aren’t mistreating their kids and get unwarranted parenting advice - I don’t care if you time out your under 2, I doubt it works but good luck to you, I’ve yet to find the secret to brilliant parenting myself

OracleOfDelphinium · 30/01/2018 20:40

^^ JaniceBattersby “all fed, none dead”. Yes, yes, yes. I would say that was a pretty good rule of thumb.

AdoraBell · 30/01/2018 20:40

I would have told him that these things happen when I’m busy have a conversation with him.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 30/01/2018 20:42

He is wrong... and you know it. He was watching in from outside on an artificial snapshot of your day where you were not whole focused on the children but in fact trying to have a conversation with him while keeping them safe.

One parent away is hard... especially on the parent at home. And of course he can have a say... but in context of perhaps understanding what was going on so you can both be on the same page but those discussions are better had when you have been face to face for a while.. You are not his employee, you are his coparent and you have full authority while you are in charge. Anything else is a discussion about how you deal with discipline but in a normal situation, not an evening video call with Daddy while you are also trying to have a conversation.

Cynara · 30/01/2018 20:42

He wants to manage daily parenting: he comes home and does the job. He chooses to work away: he STFU and lets you fetch on with it. There's nothing wrong with a consensus of opinion about major parenting decisions, but in this instance he has no business criticising on the strength of a snapshot view. Having said that, I'm with the others on timeout being pointless in a child of that age.

RandomMess · 30/01/2018 20:43

I think your DH was being unreasonable, he never has to Skype whilst looking after them, he doesn't look after them weeks on end 24/7.

It wasn't the time or place to raise his opinion on it! Perhaps if it became s regular thing he witnessed then he should raise it when the DC are in bed/not around. It was such a minor issue!

Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2018 20:45

YANBU, your husband should quit the moaning and be nice to you.

Personally, in your shoes I would quit the time outs for such a young child, model the right thing to do, praise the good.

Tell your dh wen he is back you are going for a spa day and he can have all day to practice his parenting skills.

Skype with kids engaged and talking to dad for a few minutes and then Skype him again later, or next day, when they are in bed to talk about important things.

"She has quite a throw on her! I’ve been trying to teach her before she knocks someone else’s kid out!" Maybe take item off her and give her something smaller and lighter each time! Or just take if off her and keep the item in time out! Yes, I mean it.

NorthernLightsAlways · 30/01/2018 20:46

Presumably the DH working away was to boost income for the whole family and a joint decision? He’s not siphoning it off into a swiss bank account, hiring prostitutes and living the high life?

I’ve done both the away and the at home parent role and neither is without the pitfalls. Yes he should’ve been more supportive, but you need to support each other.

Mysteriouscurle · 30/01/2018 20:49

You are looking after 2 young children on your own while your dh is away with work and not actually having to do any parenting. Yet he gets to tell you youre doing it wrong? I agree with pp,let him crack on with looking after them when he gets home while you go away for a weekend. Oh and you must insist on skyping him while the children are still up so he can see how bloody difficult it is show you how its done Grin

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 20:52

FWIW I would flat out refuse to try and have a serious phone/video call while the DC were awake. If he phones while they’re up I would just hand the phone to the kids and let them yabber at him til he has enough.

HumphreyCobblers · 30/01/2018 20:52

It is infuriating when you are managing a difficult dynamic day in, day out and someone chooses one minor incident to pass judgement on without acknowledging any of the hundreds of times you get it right.

I agree with a pp, you feel unappreciated so you reacted strongly. I can understand that.

Pearlsaringer · 30/01/2018 21:00

Maybe he was frustrated because he was trying to have a conversation with you and you were distracted by her, maybe he is missing you and just wanted you to himself.

Whatever the reason, don’t take his criticism to heart, you sound like you are doing a good job without him. (Hmm, maybe he noticed that too?)

incywincybitofa · 30/01/2018 21:04

If your timeouts are only 30 seconds as you say then surely she'd had the brief time out and was back in the game by the time she was messing around.
Is your DH in a different time zone and a controlling 1950s hubby or a different global timezone and tired crotchety and wishing he was at home with you and the girls?
Time outs are a red herring in this thread, they are marmite you love them or hate them.

anothersuitcase · 30/01/2018 21:13

Op, time out in the way you describe can work for a one-year-old, I did it with one of mine for constant hair pulling to other children. No of course I don't think she actually "thought about it" but she made an association between her actions and her interrupted play and stopped. I know you didn't ask for opinions on this but I thought I'd chip in as other posters were so quick to criticise Hmm

And no yanbu, your DH is being an arse

speakout · 30/01/2018 21:17

A one year old a time out

Wow.

That's worse than dog training.

NotReadyToMove · 30/01/2018 21:17

Going back to the thread and the OP.

No he has no idea and yes he is too harsh on you.
Next time he is at home (I assume he will be at some point), leave him with both for a weekend and go away to have a nice weekend in your own for a break.
Expect him to also do the cooking, the cleaning etc.. AND to hold a conversation with you at the same time, by Skype of course.

I suspect he will change his tune.

Original poster
QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 21:18

I called him back and said “I don’t want to fall out with you. I just needed to let you know that I don’t think it’s right for you to voice your opinion on something so trivial when you’re not here day to day.” He basically said “well we’re not going to be able to resolve this because I should be able to say if I think somethings not being handled the right way.” He said he thinks we’re getting it wrong with her. She was a dream child when he was back at Xmas so it’s just bugging me. The only thing he could be basing that on is the timeout on the video call. He’s told me that I’m being too uptight about this. Then, when we couldn’t come to an agreement, he said “I’m just going to go.” I hung up, but now I’m feeling annoyed. He doesn’t see my point of view at all Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 21:19

A spa break for me would do the trick but we just don’t have the money right now, so that ideas out the window.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 21:20

What does he think you’re being uptight about?

Original poster
QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 21:21

He’s the kind of man who is stubborn and will never be proven wrong. He’ll stick to his guns on this, doesn’t matter what I say or do.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenOfSpades6 · 30/01/2018 21:21

He thinks I’m overreacting to the fact he voiced his opinion. That’s what he thinks I’m being uptight about.

OP posts:
TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 30/01/2018 21:22

He's not fucking management and he doesn't get to direct from afar.

This.

If you can't afford a spa break then may I suggest a day or two out with friends while he puts his parenting theories into practice. Then, assuming they work better than yours, he can demonstrate them to you.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 30/01/2018 21:23

Stick to his guns? You mean you’ll carry this argument on when he gets home? Do yourself a favour, drop the argument, when he gets back, leave him to it with the kids, whether you’re home or not, leave him to parent and see how he gets on.