AIBU or is he? Husband criticising my parenting.

[QueenOfSpades6]

My husband has been working overseas for the past two months (bar 2 weeks at Xmas). I’m a stay at home Mum with a 1 year old (2 this spring) and a 4 year old.

A lot of the time, things tick over pretty well when DH is away but anyone with kids those ages know that they can have their moments, and it can be exhausting at times.

Anyway, my husband video called us this evening. All was going well, there was the odd little squabble going on in the background while I was speaking to him (mild squabbling over toys, the usual) but nothing major in the slightest. Then DD2 threw a toy while playing with it. Nothing malicious in it, just as part of her play. I’m teaching her at the moment that it’s not nice to throw. I told her to have a time out so she went and sat down. Anyway, I’m normally very on the ball with my girls but trying to hold a conversation while they’re running round me has it’s challenges. She was crawling about a bit which normally I would have told her to stay put but I was trying to tell DH something important so I let it slide. I called her over but, in that moment, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what I’d given her a time out for. I can honestly say, that is a first, so I just gave her a kiss and a cuddle had a little giggle with her and told her to go and play. Anyway, DH started saying how that’s not okay and I’m way to soft on her, not being consistent and having a laugh with her when she’s done wrong. I told him that I knew I had dropped the ball there and I calmly explained I didn’t think it was fair of him to pass judgement on one mistake. It would be different if that’s how I handled every situation but he knows it’s not. Also, he’s not here to see how consistent I have been all day long.

He’s basically got annoyed now and thinks it’s a joke that I’m telling him he can’t voice his opinion on this. He is never alone with the kids, I’m always there when he’s home and he has no idea how difficult it can be to juggle things and I know I do a damn good job. I don’t expect him to start slating me as soon as I have a moment where I’m not on 100% top parenting form. Anyway, he’s now annoyed at me and I don’t know if I’ve been unreasonable here? Maybe I should have just said “you’re right, it doesn’t normally happen but I just dropped the ball there”. Maybe I was too defensive? I just find it quite patronising when I take care of the kids 24/7. He knows how I discipline the kids and he didn’t have any complaints over Xmas so I think he should have just let it slide.

I do think both parents have an input into how a child should be raised even if one isn’t there at the moment. However, this was such a small incident and it’s really tough when you are trying so hard and all you get is criticism. I skype my parents with my kids and it’s really hard to hold a conversation while taking care of the kids.

If I were you, I’d leave it for now and tackle it more from a perspective of how under appreciated you are feeling. He needs to understand how on a human level people need support. And yes, you need to leave him alone with the kids and have some time away sometimes. Even if it’s just to go for a walk.

OP I'd be interested in if this is your DH's normal way of discussing how you parent your kids. If this was a one-off, and if he's normally appreciative of all you do day-in day-out I'd personally give him the benefit of the doubt and put it down to a stressful day or whatever. If it's the norm for him to be critical I'd be asking myself, and him, some hard questions and taking it from there.

Hmmm I’m revising my earlier opinion - he’s continuing with this on a second call. And I suppose if you were to suggest he didn’t have enough parenting experience to understand, he’d get angry because he doesn’t see it that way? and it makes him feel worse about not being there?

Does he have any prospect of cutting back on travel?

1. can you not take the children to a playgroup? Having a few lovely mum friends really helped me, I left it late as didn’t realise how important it was, essential for emotional support if you’ve got a busy DH and no other support.

2. you need to talk to him again and explain how he upset you - even if he doesn’t back down on the issue (my dh never backs down in an argument), he ought to respond to how he’s made you feel.

In the interests of harmony I’d agree about sending him videos that are recorded of the kids doing nice things or just having the kid chat. There is no point continuing with unrewarding habits on Skype and tell him why.

You're doing an amazing job, this bit is the toughest bit, but before you know it they'll both be in school and it gets easier then (IMO).

For now, you need to prioritise getting some time to yourself when your husband is home (if there is no other childcare right now). It doesn't have to cost money, you could go for a walk, visit a friend or he could take the girls out and you could stay in, have a long bath, watch some crappy tv or read a book, whatever you find relaxing. You need a break.

He’s never alone with his own kids?....
Get a day out booked and let him deal with it. You’re dealing with it 24/7 whilst he’s away. And your baby isn’t even 2 yet. Sounds like you’re doing grand.

Tell him you’ll discuss discipline when he’s home, and to prepare for you to be have some you time when he’s home, you will need it by the time he’s home 😊

*Message him back:

I'm "uptight" not because you shared your opinion, but because you don't appreciate that the way that you did it makes you sound like a manager and me your subordinate. It's hard work and I have zero support and no breaks from being with the kids. I don't want to start a fight with you but you have no idea what it's like because you have never done it yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, including you. Perhaps you might bear this in mind the next time you see something which doesn't match up to your high standards of parenting*

This - 100%

He's a bellend.

Or message him back and ask him if he meant to be so arrogant.