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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to kick myself for screwing up finances and divorce payout

113 replies

Tyrianstoe · 30/01/2018 19:30

I need people to tell me I've been a dick and also to get a bit of advice.

I left a really abusive marriage in 2014. Abusive physically (broken bones, black eyes etc), sexually, emotionally and financially. He was so controlling he only allowed me to have one bowl of hot water for washing up and one bath for me and our 3 DC's per day. It was a nightmare but I got out (with the help of my family).

He stayed in the house because it was too dangerous for him to know where I was (went to MARAC) but I wouldn't press charges. I moved into my parents and then a month later got a private rented with nothing, not a teaspoon. So had to payout 2 grand for deposit, fees, furniture etc. Lent by my brother. Then I got made redundant from a job I'd been in a year. So started my masters at uni. Worked 2 pt minimum wage jobs. Struggled with money. I got £18,000 payout from divorce (I accepted 60/40 in his favour). When I graduated I got a 19k a year job. Again financially it was hard. Applied for a mortgage but didn't earn enough for the £150k house that is minimum for a 3 bed where I live (north Yorks). Moved again into people care rented for DC's, so another £2000 in fees, deposit etc.

Took DC's on a 'we've had a shit time' £3k holiday abroad . Ex wouldn't ever let us go anywhere but camping in this country so it was a fuck you to him.

So...I've got £7,000 left. I know. I'm shit. I've dipped in to my savings to basically do Christmas, DC's birthdays, my dad's 60th, drier broke and in and in. My deposit for a house has gone Sad I now have a new job, earning 26k a year but my student loan repayments are £340 a month so I'm no better off really.

WTF can I do? I am 18 months away from being 40. I don't own my home. I'm panicking. AIBU to be worried about the future? I am biting the side of my mouth to stop crying. Fuck fuck fuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tyrianstoe · 30/01/2018 19:32

And because I'm crying my literacy has gone south, sorry for the typos.

OP posts:
Josieannathe2nd · 30/01/2018 19:36

Wait... you’ve managed to leave an abusive marriage, get a masters, get a better paying job, feed and house your children. You might not own a house but it sounds like you’ve come a very long way in just four years.

Is owning a house that important? You could drastically cut back, save as much as you can, borrow off family and maybe do a part ownership but would it be worth the sacfieces?

LivLemler · 30/01/2018 19:36

Sounds like you've done pretty well to me! Getting yourself and your children away from your abusive ex, keeping you all afloat through the divorce and a redundancy. Give yourself a pat on the back, not criticism!

Ok so you're not where you wanted to be financially, but you're so much better off than before you left.

Do you have potential for your earnings to increase now you've finished your masters?

You're not in debt, you're earning and covering your outgoings. You'll be just fine.

wombatron · 30/01/2018 19:38

I just want to say, your children won't care that much that you don't own your own home. They will care that you took them from such an awful place and created a safe environment for them - rented or not that's all that matters xx

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2018 19:38

How was the holiday?
Sounds like you are doing OK to me, keep it up OP

Angrybird345 · 30/01/2018 19:39

Student loan- £340. Holiday overseas-£3k. Leaving fuckshit husband- priceless! The strength to do that will help you deal with whatever shot comes your way, and you’re not broke, you’ll be fine.

Justanothernap · 30/01/2018 19:40

Don't know what advice to offer but you're definitely not a dick! Might be worth considering years of abuse have messed up your self esteem a bit.

43percentburnt · 30/01/2018 19:40

Shared ownership? You have 10% of 70k. 33% share of a house would be 50/60k. Go see a good broker, one that a friend recommends. See if it's feasible to buy.

Spicylolly · 30/01/2018 19:42

You sound like Wonder Woman to me!! You're doing amazing, you should be proud of yourself xxx

Original poster
Tyrianstoe · 30/01/2018 19:43

Realistically, the only way I can get a mortgage is to meet someone who has savings and earns about the same as me. One income isn't going to convince anyone to lend to me. I'm too much of a risk. I don't want to live with a man ever again Sad

I could do my doctorate and train into a senior position related to what I'm doing now on a starting salary of 40k but it's 3 years FT and my youngest is only 6. I don't want to do that to her. Working FT without studying on top is stressful enough.

I feel a bit stuck.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 30/01/2018 19:43

You, my love, are a huge success. Stop, turn round, look at the view and how far you've come. What a litany of achievement, I bet your family and kids are beyond proud of you. You may never own a house, does it matter? What you do own - tenacity, guts, total refusal to allow the shit life's thrown at you defeat you - is s priceless.

Doesitgoto11 · 30/01/2018 19:46

I think you are amazing. Owning your own home isn't the be all and end all sign of success - in fact the UK is one of the only cultures where it's seen as such, across Europe (I believe - happy to be corrected) it is far more common to rent than own.

In my view you have turned a really really shitawful situation into one where you are doing really well and making a success of yourself as well as providing a stable & happy home environment for your kids. That's something that can never be bought xx

Doesitgoto11 · 30/01/2018 19:47

@Bluelady has hit nail on head as have the other PPs

Original poster
Tyrianstoe · 30/01/2018 19:48

43 I will look into shared ownership. Good idea.

I wanted to get a help to buy ISA or a LISA but you can't get them if you've owned before.

I'm worried about...everything! No inheritance for the DC's, what if I need residential care? The DC's uni fees? I don't have the cushion of anyone else or their income. It's just me. Although their dad is still a massive tight arse and still has our 4 bed detached marital home so they have some security from him but he'll expect me to match it. But I won't be able to.

OP posts:
taskmaster · 30/01/2018 19:48

Why not just forget about a mortgage and live your life? That's what I did after I lost my home. I realised it just wasn't going to happen and we happily rent.

Huntinginthedark · 30/01/2018 19:49

Another one to say congrats!
Sounds like you’ve got life sorted. You’ll get a mortgage at some point
Have you thought of part rent part buy?
Look at options from your la?
Perhaps just rest a bit, think about things in another year. Concentrate on getting out of a fucked situation which would have maybe even been perpetrated in your children

fromthebreach · 30/01/2018 19:49

It's really early days still. It might make you feel more in control if you write down a plan for when and how you'll save up for a home deposit (or whatever it is that you want to focus on). Well done for getting you and your children out of an abusive marriage.

DaenerysismyQueen · 30/01/2018 19:52

Could you join your local council's housing register? Will be renting but with a bit more security and you can decorate it however you like. Plus local authorities have right to buy when/if you are ever ready.

You are a complete star by the way. I'm not going to send you flowers as you don't need them but I am going to send you Wineas you should be celebrating how brilliantly you've done!

Original poster
Tyrianstoe · 30/01/2018 19:52

Bluelady and everyone else Flowers

I think that's why my savings have dwindled away. I spent the first year in a traumatised daze just surviving and trying to settle my amazing but equally traumatised DC's. Money wasn't really a focus.

When I was doing my Masters I was just trying to make ends meet.

I just feel so guilty, like I've frittered it away! The holiday was fantastic though Smile

OP posts:
fromthebreach · 30/01/2018 19:53

"Realistically, the only way I can get a mortgage is to meet someone who has savings and earns about the same as me."

You can do this without a man. Focus on what you can control. If you want to do a PhD, consider Open University or similar online courses which you can do over a longer period of time at your own pace.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 30/01/2018 19:53

Ok I’m 48 and thinking about starting a PhD now, on the basis that I’ll probably be working until I’m 70 it will still be worth it. Why not focus on work and on keeping costs as low as you can to avoid depleting your savings further and on your DCs for 3 or 4 years and then go for a PhD when your youngest is bigger? You will still only be 45 or 46 when you finish, still time for a 20 year mortgage term.

Canyouguess · 30/01/2018 19:53

Wow wee!

OP - you’re bloody amazing.

Don’t get hung up on ownership. Renting is fine and manageable for you. So keep at it.

You’re on a decent salary with another 30 years of work ahead of you, which will likely see increases, possibility significant ones.

Huntinginthedark · 30/01/2018 19:54

Doesn’t sound like you frittered it away
Sounds like it was all needed. Happy Christmas for the kids, education, house deposit, great holiday
Sounds very sensible to me

Lucymek · 30/01/2018 19:57

You didn't think you would ever get to this point i bet but you did. A mortgage is just another milestone. You will do it. You sound very determined and strong. Well done.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 30/01/2018 19:59

And to be honest a one-off amazing holiday that you all really appreciated, that you didn’t buy on credit, wasn’t what I’d call a waste of money Smile

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