To want to kick myself for screwing up finances and divorce payout

[Tyrianstoe]

I need people to tell me I've been a dick and also to get a bit of advice.

I left a really abusive marriage in 2014. Abusive physically (broken bones, black eyes etc), sexually, emotionally and financially. He was so controlling he only allowed me to have one bowl of hot water for washing up and one bath for me and our 3 DC's per day. It was a nightmare but I got out (with the help of my family).

He stayed in the house because it was too dangerous for him to know where I was (went to MARAC) but I wouldn't press charges. I moved into my parents and then a month later got a private rented with nothing, not a teaspoon. So had to payout 2 grand for deposit, fees, furniture etc. Lent by my brother. Then I got made redundant from a job I'd been in a year. So started my masters at uni. Worked 2 pt minimum wage jobs. Struggled with money. I got £18,000 payout from divorce (I accepted 60/40 in his favour). When I graduated I got a 19k a year job. Again financially it was hard. Applied for a mortgage but didn't earn enough for the £150k house that is minimum for a 3 bed where I live (north Yorks). Moved again into people care rented for DC's, so another £2000 in fees, deposit etc.

Took DC's on a 'we've had a shit time' £3k holiday abroad . Ex wouldn't ever let us go anywhere but camping in this country so it was a fuck you to him.

So...I've got £7,000 left. I know. I'm shit. I've dipped in to my savings to basically do Christmas, DC's birthdays, my dad's 60th, drier broke and in and in. My deposit for a house has gone I now have a new job, earning 26k a year but my student loan repayments are £340 a month so I'm no better off really.

WTF can I do? I am 18 months away from being 40. I don't own my home. I'm panicking. AIBU to be worried about the future? I am biting the side of my mouth to stop crying. Fuck fuck fuck.

You are bloody amazing!

I think rather than stressing about a mortgage it might be more productive to put your energy into some sort of secure tenancy - council or housing association, whatever you can get your hands on really, even if it means moving. That will at least give you the security you need.

As an aside, I really do think women in your situation should be entitled to things like the govt's help to buy schemes, it's not your fault you walked away from your relationship with hardly anything.

You are doing fantastic, don't let anyone tell you different.

Have you looked to Make sure you are claiming ofr everything you are entitled to ? www.entitled2.co.uk is one. Can you use his maintenance as income ?

This was my situation but my ex basically conned me out of what was essentially my mother's house, as I inherited 25% of the house value, which I put down as deposit and he contributed zero. I moved out with kids and he got the house, divorce was completely in his favour and I ended up with very little that got used paying off credit cards that I had used to purchase furniture etc when relocating. The settlement has dwindled down to nothing over the years and we now live a very hand to mouth existence renting a HA property (though we are happy for the most part). You have been through so much already - please just try to keep some back as a safety net for yourself and the children - even if you can't buy another house. Just having the security of a few thousand in a savings account can make a huge difference to your lives.

And I agree with Lonny about the Help to Buy - if I had been eligible, I probably would have gone for that over paying off the credit cards in bulk to provide a secure home for my kids.

On shared ownership, just a tip, there is an affordability test you will have to meet. Don’t be put off. My DD went for a shared ownership property and was initially told she couldn’t afford it based on the assessment. She researched and found a better mortgage deal than they were basing the assessment on. They accepted her figures and she got the property. Good luck!

I really fucked up on the student loans really. The total amount I owe isn't that much, about 8.5k now but the monthly repayments are set and I didn't work them out properly

But doesn't that mean you will have paid it all off in a couple of years? If so, I think you have been very sensible. Concentrate on paying them off and when it is paid off you will be able to save for a house deposit.

Tyrianstoe I'm nearly 50, recently divorced and have no savings but I haven't had (and survived) anywhere near the trauma that you and your DC have had to deal with.

Please dont be so hard on yourself - as others have already said, you are AMAZING! You have your children, you've got a flaming Masters, you have a job, your are surviving! Focus on that and the rest will follow in course.

Would it help to make a list of what you want to achieve? Maybe when you see it written down it will help to focus on what you can easily achieve in a short time and once this is done it will make you feel you can achieve the rest.

As an aside, isn't it nice to read a thread on Mumsnet where everyone is unanimously supporting the OP and expressing their admiration for her?

Life is so much nicer when we as women build one another up rather than tearing one another down.

You have done so well!

The total amount I owe isn't that much, about 8.5k now but the monthly repayments are set and I didn't work them out properly

Or another way to look at it is "I'm paying off a lot which means I'm paying them down quickly", every pound you pay off a debt means a little bit less to pay out in interest overall :)

I absolutely agree with AHungryMum

Bravo OP, I bet your DC and your parents are bloody proud of you.

I've come on purely to say that you are bloody amazing OP. I am proud of you and I don't even know you. You have your children, your sanity, your masters and a job, and you are still moving forward. Fuck me, you're a hero. And that is all. [Bangs gavel.]

Your money did what you needed it to at the time - it kept you and your DC safe, fed and housed. You used it to start building a better future and giving them things to look forward to. You haven't frittered it away - what use is a house when you're unsafe and unhappy? Please don't feel like you've failed your kids - you've done the exact opposite. Growing up my parents didn't own their home, and didn't expect to ever leave us an inheritance; they weren't able to pay much towards my degree either. We turned out fine. I promise with your support, your DC will too.

"As an aside, isn't it nice to read a thread on Mumsnet where everyone is unanimously supporting the OP and expressing their admiration for her?"

Yes, it is.