To want to kick myself for screwing up finances and divorce payout

[Tyrianstoe]

I need people to tell me I've been a dick and also to get a bit of advice.

I left a really abusive marriage in 2014. Abusive physically (broken bones, black eyes etc), sexually, emotionally and financially. He was so controlling he only allowed me to have one bowl of hot water for washing up and one bath for me and our 3 DC's per day. It was a nightmare but I got out (with the help of my family).

He stayed in the house because it was too dangerous for him to know where I was (went to MARAC) but I wouldn't press charges. I moved into my parents and then a month later got a private rented with nothing, not a teaspoon. So had to payout 2 grand for deposit, fees, furniture etc. Lent by my brother. Then I got made redundant from a job I'd been in a year. So started my masters at uni. Worked 2 pt minimum wage jobs. Struggled with money. I got £18,000 payout from divorce (I accepted 60/40 in his favour). When I graduated I got a 19k a year job. Again financially it was hard. Applied for a mortgage but didn't earn enough for the £150k house that is minimum for a 3 bed where I live (north Yorks). Moved again into people care rented for DC's, so another £2000 in fees, deposit etc.

Took DC's on a 'we've had a shit time' £3k holiday abroad . Ex wouldn't ever let us go anywhere but camping in this country so it was a fuck you to him.

So...I've got £7,000 left. I know. I'm shit. I've dipped in to my savings to basically do Christmas, DC's birthdays, my dad's 60th, drier broke and in and in. My deposit for a house has gone I now have a new job, earning 26k a year but my student loan repayments are £340 a month so I'm no better off really.

WTF can I do? I am 18 months away from being 40. I don't own my home. I'm panicking. AIBU to be worried about the future? I am biting the side of my mouth to stop crying. Fuck fuck fuck.

Gwen of course I don't think you should be nearly crying if you don't have a mortgage at 40.

On a rational level I know that what's seen as 'normal' is not reality. I know that each person has their individual shit that has led to multiple situations and choices but I'm very hard on myself and not at all hard on others. Hence being a dick

It's bloody hard to leave an abusive relationship but just taking that step has improved life for you and your children immeasurably.

You are amazing and you have a life now - you make your own choices and they've all been excellent and made you all happy. Don't worry about what your ex says - his opinion doesn't count. Your children must admire you so much. I know I do.

You and your dc are alive and happy. That is worth more than anything in the world. I applaud you. (And I wish a plague of galloping bollock boils on your prick of a ex)

wait... you’ve managed to leave an abusive marriage, get a masters, get a better paying job, feed and house your children. You might not own a house but it sounds like you’ve come a very long way in just four years.

This really sums it up! Do not kick yourself OP! You'll get on the property ladder soon enough, but for now enjoy your amazing achievements.

You are definitely not a dick! What an amazing few years you've had...lots of achievements and rebuilding of lives. Owning your own home is nice but in the grand scheme of things, it means very little. As for providing for your children - you're doing it now and not just in financial terms - "he will expect you to match what he gives the kids"? Well tough! He no longer gets to control you so you'll assist your kids with uni etc in whatever way you can and it has fuck all to do with him now.

I agreement you have done well but not sure I understand why things have been not said by you, you didn't press charges, divorce in his favour? Etc... Who was advised you!

Gwen No the OP wasn't saying that at all. If she feels emotional about her current financial situation it's probably because she had set herself high goals to achieve to give her children the best possible life away from what they had experienced. Not that she's judging people for not owning their home!

You are amazing.

You have saved your dc and yourself from an abusive man, you have gone about your life and got a job etc. The freedom you and your dc have is worth so very much more than money or owning a home.

Owning your own home isn’t the be all and end all, I can completely understand why you would want to though and there is no reason you can’t save up what you can and get there one day, you survived that relationship I think you’ve probably got this!

Amazing story! Just came in to say that if you move just a little further north, you can get a home for less than 70K.....

To echo other PPs - your achievements are amazing, and I also wouldn’t put the home-owning mortgaging-owing thing on a pedestal either.

But what cynara said - those student loan repayments sound funky. Bank/credit card or SLC?

You've done amazingly well. Seriously, stop beating yourself up about all of this. I read your story and I think you are one impressive woman who has done all the right things.

Kids can still grow up happy and well if they live in rented houses (I did). There are advantages too, like being able to move more easily in order to be near better schools, rather than being stuck wherever you've bought.

Maybe keep saving so you have some security and maybe a small flat for your retirement? I think it's quite achievable to be mortgage-free on a small property by that age. Perhaps you could consider buying one with a mortgage and letting it out?

Sorry I've not read the thread but you sound like an amazing mother and human being!!

As your kids grow up they won't care one jot that you rent rather than own. They will however care that they don't live in a home full of abuse! They will care they love with a parent who shows them such an amazing example of how you can better yourself and improve your family's situation even in the most difficult of situations.

As they grow up your children will be immensely proud of you, please please understand you should be incredibly proud of yourself!

Tyrianstoe, Take That said it best with their "Never Forget" song. You've come much further than you would possibly have thought you could when you were in thrall to your ex, when he was controlling you, your life and, he thought - your future.

You were at such a low ebb, had your children to think of and still you managed to have the gumption to get up and get out - and scupper your ex's plans of controlling you and your children forevermore.

Don't compare and benchmark yourself with other people, just look at how far you personally have come and celebrate that. Who knows, you may meet somebody again far down the line that you will want to bring into your family - you may not - but what you do know is that your children are happy and healthy and all of that has been wrought by you with a bit of help from your brother. That's no mean feat is it?

You have your children and your home and your freedom - far, far away from your ex's clutches and as pp has said, "That's priceless". :)

You are amazing and Bluelady is spot on.

@Tyrianstoe YOU ARE AMAZING. You have escaped into freedom and are a true inspiration.

As far as finances can you afford to consult someone, this advice may be available on line or free but if someone (your parents) could buy you a bit of time with a financial consultant for your next birthday, that might be worth it.

Is it not necessary to buy a home or get a mortgage.

However, I do think it is better to get back on the property ladder if you can without bankrupting yourself or making life a real misery!

Rent is (I believe) more than the average mortgage still, so in the long run your weekly/monthly outlays may not be much different (allowing for the fact that any repairs etc may almost certainly need to be paid for by you if you buy, where as rented properties are usually maintained.

So, how can you get that little bit of money together and turn it into a property you can but not rent? I wonder if you really need to be paying back £340 a month, could you pay back less? Yes, I know it will mean this takes longer to repay but are the interests rates on student loans quite good. (Please do check this as I am not sure what they are, this is just what I have heard.)

Would your deposit be a 5% one? If so, this article says you just need £7,500, which is almost what you have. Plus if you are not in a chain for house buying then you may be able to get a reduction on the price because you will be a very eligible buyer, I am sure you know that but I think that could translate into an actual reduction.

This article is old, 2014, but it may have some wisdom. I am not a financial person but I am tenacious and I think there is often a way.

Plus in old age, owning your property will be a benefit, not needing to find the rent, and something to pass onto the kids. I did not get a pension or mortgage until I was in my thirties, so I was late to the table!

www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/mortgageshome/article-2617876/How-mortgage-deposit-afford.html

Lastly, shared ownership may work and also don't ignore housing associations if there is one near you.

My friend belong to one which he got into because he is belonged to an ethnic group that had a housing association. I didn't even know they existed!

He got a small place and was able to move up the ladder when his partner had a baby, and then again when they had another child.

Another friend had a very big house and an abusive husband. They separated and she downsized to a smaller place but I am pretty sure she is happier now.

And it is so great to know you too escaped.

I hope you find somewhere great, whether it is renting now or for longer or buying later. Good luck.

We all do the best we can. I would start saving. Even if it's only a bit. It will get better xx huge hugs. I lost an awful lot when I left my eldest wally of a Dad...chalk it up to experience xx He's on his own btw (hahahahahah) and I'm not lol!

OP. You are amazing. You turned your life and your children's lives around. Try not to worry about a mortgage. If it's meant to be, you will get there in the end. In the meantime enjoy your new life and never forget what amazing things you have achieved against all odds.

The article I linked to mentioned the Help to Buy scheme, which may not be so great. So please don't take any of my word as being in any way knowledgeable!

moneytothemasses.com/owning-a-home/mortgages/expert-advice-how-to-get-100-mortgage-with-no-deposit

Oh shit that post is long, you deserve a medal if you get through my long post!

Student loan payment sounds way too high, my DD owes £40k+ , earns £34k and pays less than £200

OP, shared ownership could definitely work for you. You can start with quite a low percentage and gradually buy more as you can afford it. Have faith, you have done so well to get this far!

Regarding the divorce:

My solicitor was shit tbh. ExH basically threatened me to sign for 60/40 in his favour because he would go for sole custody of DC's if I didn't. He said he would put forward that I couldn't safeguard them because a psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD in hospital after I was raped as an 11 year old. The PTSD resolved years and years ago but he dangled it over my head. I didn't tell him about it btw. When we bought our first home the insurance company asked for my medical records as I'd had an eating disorder and he opened the report and read it. Yes, my life has been a bit of a disaster!

Regarding the police, I basically didn't engage with them after I left and didn't want to persue any charges and because I was a witness in a historical child abuse case that was ongoing they didn't push it. The ISVA who was supporting me advocated it as she said I was already too stressed.

My student loan repayments are so much because they sold my undergraduate loan to erudio and with tax credits I'm over the deferment threshold, so it's £128 a month. My post graduate diploma is income contingent, that's £70 a month and my MSc was a career development loan from Barclays and is not income contingent and is £140 a month. So yes, it's a big chunk to pay out but I made those choices and I'm managing just about.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and look forward.

I left my ex with a few bin bags of clothes and let him have everything except a grand to pay my solicitors fees and I’d do it all again. I’d rather by skint than still with him my solicitor thought I was bonkers.

Look into the help to buy schemes in your local area, my friend bought her flat through this and it was a great first step into a house. She’s made it hers and it’s a lovely ‘home’.

Small steps... save a few quid at a time and it will add up over the years.