To want to kick myself for screwing up finances and divorce payout

[Tyrianstoe]

I need people to tell me I've been a dick and also to get a bit of advice.

I left a really abusive marriage in 2014. Abusive physically (broken bones, black eyes etc), sexually, emotionally and financially. He was so controlling he only allowed me to have one bowl of hot water for washing up and one bath for me and our 3 DC's per day. It was a nightmare but I got out (with the help of my family).

He stayed in the house because it was too dangerous for him to know where I was (went to MARAC) but I wouldn't press charges. I moved into my parents and then a month later got a private rented with nothing, not a teaspoon. So had to payout 2 grand for deposit, fees, furniture etc. Lent by my brother. Then I got made redundant from a job I'd been in a year. So started my masters at uni. Worked 2 pt minimum wage jobs. Struggled with money. I got £18,000 payout from divorce (I accepted 60/40 in his favour). When I graduated I got a 19k a year job. Again financially it was hard. Applied for a mortgage but didn't earn enough for the £150k house that is minimum for a 3 bed where I live (north Yorks). Moved again into people care rented for DC's, so another £2000 in fees, deposit etc.

Took DC's on a 'we've had a shit time' £3k holiday abroad . Ex wouldn't ever let us go anywhere but camping in this country so it was a fuck you to him.

So...I've got £7,000 left. I know. I'm shit. I've dipped in to my savings to basically do Christmas, DC's birthdays, my dad's 60th, drier broke and in and in. My deposit for a house has gone I now have a new job, earning 26k a year but my student loan repayments are £340 a month so I'm no better off really.

WTF can I do? I am 18 months away from being 40. I don't own my home. I'm panicking. AIBU to be worried about the future? I am biting the side of my mouth to stop crying. Fuck fuck fuck.

Well I think you're bloody awesome

Don't understand why you are paying £360 per month in student loan repayments. Did you borrow extra money on top of your loan. Forget about your DC's inheritance and their Uni fees for the time being. That's a long way in the future. Is there no way you can do this PhD . Because that would lead to higher wages in the long term. Would you be on one of these funded ones or self funding.

In your position I probably wouldn't have had the holiday but you probably did the right thing as £3K wouldn't have made such a difference in the grand scheme of things. It's really annoying that your DH still has the four bedroomed marital home and you are now struggling to afford to buy. Did you not get any money from that?

Sorry missed that you did get a payout from the divorce. It seems very mean though if you've got custody of the DC's.

OP you have already made the biguest investment you can in your children's future in walking away from your ex. I work with children stuck in a home where the abuse you describe is a daily isue and their life chances are severely compromised.

As for owning your own home, it can be a millstone around your neck. I own my own home, household income halved when DP died and I have neither the time or money to maintain it properly. No family nearby or handy friends when things break.

Finally it sounds like you have worked really hard in the last few years. I mean this kindly, I think you need to slow down and take stock. When DP died I just carried on, working in an extremely stressful job, adding to my qualifactions, learning to be a single parent but carrying on as if there there were still two of us to share the load. I burnt out, one day I just stopped and only functioned at a level that kept life ticking by. I am in a great place now and never want to go back there but it took time, professional support and reflection.

As for finances, we seem to be living month to month now (and I earn 'a good wage' according to many people). However I continue to prioritise holidays because we need them. This is the time we relax as a family and try to heal. I am an expert bargain holiday hunter and can bring in a peak season 2 week break at around £500-700 all in somewhere sunny and cheap ski holiday in eastern Europe in winter. The rest of the year I never go out, I do not have new clothes or anything for me. Do what is right for you and your family. All the best, you are incredibly strong.

We bought with the help to buy and it's definitely worth considering. Has worked brilliantly for us but it's only available on new builds.

You've done brilliantly to get where you are OP so if you can't buy so be it! Loads of people will never buy a house for all sorts of reasons. You and your kids are safe, happy and housed. It could be a lot worse!

You are absolutely amazing!

Your own home will come in time, I’m sure of it. What an amazing example you are to your children

Wow, you are an inspiration. You have come so far in such a short time and will go much further. Stop worrying and start congratulating yourself.

The historical abuse case was a new case against the man who raped me, as I witnessed him abusing another child when I was a child but I was a complete mess at the time obviously. She went to the police and named me in her statement about a month after I left ExH so I was dealing with that opening a long buried can of worms too. I posted about it on here at the time and got amazing support. But it felt like I was in the middle of a massive shitstorm and I had solicitors, the police, rape crisis, my parents and my work asking me to make massive decisions at the time and I don't think I made particularly good ones the whole time I was so worried about the DC's too as they were unravelling.

I really fucked up on the student loans really. The total amount I owe isn't that much, about 8.5k now but the monthly repayments are set and I didn't work them out properly

I think you have done amazingly well.
I'm 34 with 5 dc. Dh and I both earn under 14k and we live in the SE. We know we have no hope of buying a home big enough for our family. But we put a little aside each month and hope they when they've grown and we're in our 50's we can hopefully by a 2 bed apartment or something, somewhere cheaper.
There's plenty of life left at 40, don't stress just yet.

St the moment, owning your own home if you're old and require residential care would mean you'd gave to sell it to pay for the care costs. If you have no property or savings, the local authority cover the fees, generally, although the policy these days is to support people in the community with a care package.

As for uni fees, really, there's no point at all paying these yourself. Kids will take out a loan and if they earn enough once they get a graduate job, will start to pay it back at a low interest rate. Read MoneySavingExpert on this. If you've a lowish income, they'll get a maintenance loan as well.

You've done so well so far. Onwards and upwards!

OP look at where you have come from and what you have achieved, it really is so much in 3 years.

Bloody hell OP, I'm humbled by what you have managed to do and under the circumstances you've described. I have no advice to offer (others are much better placed than I am and seem to have provided some really good suggestions), but I would just like to say that you deserve a medal and I'm sure that you will achieve what you need to do.

You’ll always get more money, you’ll never get more time.

The memories from your holiday will last a lifetime and always make you smile....as such, it was worth every penny.

Cut yourself some slack, OP. You are a massive inspiration.

@Tyrianstoe I've only just seen what you've posted about the court case etc.

Bloody hell woman will you cut yourself a break. You have held yourself and your kids together through one helluva situation.

It's YOU who are forging a future for you and your kids, it's YOU who are trying to give them a better life, it's YOU who are giving them the stability they need.

None of us know what the future holds. But what we do know is the present and how to take care of our own.

You love your kids and they love you. Tbf the sky could fall in right now and that simple fact wouldn't change.

That simple fact - your children love you (and you worship the ground they walk on) is worth so much more than a bloody mortgage xx

Oh OP "long buried can of worms" My goodness you are so strong to deal with all that.

" I was in the middle of a massive shitstorm and I had solicitors, the police, rape crisis, my parents and my work asking me to make massive decisions at the time and I don't think I made particularly good ones"

Can any of the decisions be changed to better ones, re work or student loans, can you speak to anyone about this?

You've really had so much to cope with, you are truly amazing. Whatever happens with the house, you have done an amazing job protecting your children and yourself from their father and from this rightly named shit storm.

You are my hero.

Is it worth using your remaining savings from the divorce to pay off the student loan, so freeing up your monthly income? I realise this seems scary (and you should keep back £2K or whatever seems sensible for "shit we need to move" private rented uncertainty), but if you used £5K to lower your loan it might even be possible to refinance the remainder onto a 0% credit card over 24+ months (see MoneySavingExpert for good advice & current offers) - you'd need a credit card that would transfer money into your bank account to do it, but they are out there, and £3.5K over 24 months is only £145 per month, saving you a good whack... then you could start building up the savings again from a better position?

Squirrels I have thought about paying off my undergraduate and my masters, as combined it's 128 and 140 a month. That would leave me £260 a month up. I have written to Barclays yesterday for a redemption figure. I've been really conflicted on whether paying it off is the right way to go. Keeping 2-3k slush fund?

Today I'm going to try grab half an hour at work to look at help to buy, shared ownership options in my area versus paying off the student loans. Someone suggested earlier on that I write down a plan. I'm going to do this. Feel a bit more positive today. I have been sleeping terribly recently so I think that's why I was so doom laden yesterday onwards and upwards today. Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement you really don't know how much you've helped me.

You are awesome.

Also,you don't need to bite the side of your mouth so you don't cry. Cry. cry on Mumsnet's shoulder.

not much else to offer that hasnt already been said, but please dont give up on your dreams of owning a home eventually or getting more education, doing so will show your children that no matter what has happened in the past, the horrors you and they have lived through, it is possible to start from nothing and end up happy and successful and you are showing them strength of character and that mums can be superheroes!
You are giving them the best role model in life and the best advice.... dont give up and dont let anything hold you down!
GO YOU!!!!

Another vote for you are awesome! Your DCs are lucky to have you. What you have done takes massive guts.

Tyrian if your loans are charging interest (so not a “student loan” as for an undergrad degree), then definitely pay off if you can and save the monthly payments. You can build the savings back up, but it just eases things to know you’re in an even footing. Interest rates are so low that keeping a few thousand in the bank won’t earn you anything, although I’d keep a Fuck! Fund for the unexpected.

You'll get no judgement here from me. Like others have said, you've achieved an incredible amount just by getting out of the marriage and back on your feet. The amount you've spent may be significant as a percentage of the settlement but as an absolute figure in cash terms it's not that much, and, frankly, after what you and your kids have been through anyone who begrudges you a little bit of indulgence is a hard hearted bastard. It's not like you've spunked tens of thousands of pounds.

So, my view would be - don't be too hard on yourself, given yourself considerable credit for how far you've come, invest what's left and hopefully with your masters, as you get more experience in your field you will be able to earn more and then save up a bit more and eventually buy. Also look at things like the government Help to Buy scheme where I think you basically get an interest free loan for part of the deposit? Sounds like it could be ideal for you!

Good luck for the future and stay strong.

I am 40.

Left a shitty relationship with a 4 month old baby. Only the things that I could fit in the back of my brothers car to my name.

I don't have a degree. Or my own house. Or even a 'proper' job. I do my dps books for him from home.

My home is a HA property.

Do you know what? I am proud of what I have achieved. I don't and barring a lottery win, will never own a property. I love my home. I have 2 beautiful, clever, funnys dcs.

Owning a property, or rather having a mortgage doesnt define a persons success. It just means that the financials stacked up. Or they were lucky. Or they bought at the right time.

You have provided for 3 dcs. They are happy and loved. They have a home. Be proud of that and think about how far you have come.