To want to kick myself for screwing up finances and divorce payout

[Tyrianstoe]

I need people to tell me I've been a dick and also to get a bit of advice.

I left a really abusive marriage in 2014. Abusive physically (broken bones, black eyes etc), sexually, emotionally and financially. He was so controlling he only allowed me to have one bowl of hot water for washing up and one bath for me and our 3 DC's per day. It was a nightmare but I got out (with the help of my family).

He stayed in the house because it was too dangerous for him to know where I was (went to MARAC) but I wouldn't press charges. I moved into my parents and then a month later got a private rented with nothing, not a teaspoon. So had to payout 2 grand for deposit, fees, furniture etc. Lent by my brother. Then I got made redundant from a job I'd been in a year. So started my masters at uni. Worked 2 pt minimum wage jobs. Struggled with money. I got £18,000 payout from divorce (I accepted 60/40 in his favour). When I graduated I got a 19k a year job. Again financially it was hard. Applied for a mortgage but didn't earn enough for the £150k house that is minimum for a 3 bed where I live (north Yorks). Moved again into people care rented for DC's, so another £2000 in fees, deposit etc.

Took DC's on a 'we've had a shit time' £3k holiday abroad . Ex wouldn't ever let us go anywhere but camping in this country so it was a fuck you to him.

So...I've got £7,000 left. I know. I'm shit. I've dipped in to my savings to basically do Christmas, DC's birthdays, my dad's 60th, drier broke and in and in. My deposit for a house has gone I now have a new job, earning 26k a year but my student loan repayments are £340 a month so I'm no better off really.

WTF can I do? I am 18 months away from being 40. I don't own my home. I'm panicking. AIBU to be worried about the future? I am biting the side of my mouth to stop crying. Fuck fuck fuck.

Daenerys (nice name!) There is no council housing around unfortunately. I live in a rural village that has no LA provision. I think I'm yearning for my own place that I can decorate etc.

I pay £650 a month and I'm not even allowed my dryer inside (it's in the shed!) and my front door lock has been broken for a month. My LL is useless!

Wow OP owning a home is not that important!! You've done amazing stop being mean to yourself!! Please look at this objectively,if you'd read this thread you'd think who cares just rent forever! Be happy and keep your kids happy. You're a wonderful mum I can just tell, get that next holiday booked

You haven’t frittered it away.

Realistically, you only had £19,000 to begin with, not a fortune in real terms.

You have £7K left. So you spent £12K - at least half of that, conservatively, sounds as if it went on moving & accommodation costs- essential. £3K on a holiday was hardly extravagant for a family break. And you’ve been a student through all this, so fees/reduced income plus a redundancy.

No debt. £7,000 in the bank. Happier family.

Please don’t worry too much about the future. Your DC will take loans for uni if they want to go. Care Home fees aren’t worth thinking about! If you own a home it’s illiquid, so you wouldn’t be able to take money out when you need it.

Concentrate on building up savings and pension. You can always buy a smaller flat on a shorter mortgage when you’ve got less dependants at home.

I also think that you are doing really well. Don't beat yourself up about spending money on a holiday etc as it sounds like you and DC really needed it, so it was money well spent. In your position, I wouldn't be panicking as you have a decently paid job and you live in an area where houses are relatively low. It may take a while to save for a deposit but it doesn't seem urgent so just save slowly. I am sure that you will get there. Stop being so hard on yourself!

Another cheerleader here OP. You’ve done bloody amazingly.

I’m in exactly the same position for similar reasons, except I’ve not got the 7 grand.

I do worry about DS in the future but not half as worried as I was as when he was I am abusive home.

Keep your chin up, look into shared ownership and keep reminding yourself how fantastically you’ve done!

Thank you all. You are all right. A mortgage isn't everything. I really appreciate our safety, our autonomy and the way the four of us are okay. We have a warm house, a tortoise and the DC's all do activities that they love and are generally happy.

Hard not to catastrophise sometimes but MN is fantastic at sorting that out!

You are a super hero!! I used to own my own house. Due to a divorce & then marrying someone who racked up a ton of debt, I’ll likely not own a property for at least the next ten years & I’m a similar age to you. In fact may never own again at the rate this marriage is going but I’ve accepted that owning property isn’t the be all & end all. Give yourself a break & celebrate your litany of achievements!!!

I rent, don't have £7000 but I don't feel bad about it. I do slightly worry about pensions etc, and pay extra into mine. You sound like you have done your children and yourself proud. Well done on turning it around, but don't stop there if you can think of other ways to improve your life- like saving, getting a PhD, shared ownership. Stability and peace for the children is most important which you have achieved.

Fucking hell, woman, you are awesome! To have endured so much, then managed to achieve what you have? That's bloody impressive. Your children are, from what you say, safe and generally happy. If you had never achieved another thing in your life, that would make you a success. But to also have managed a masters, to improve your earning potential? That is very hard work. My hat is firmly off to you.

OP you are giving your DCs the best inheritance possible, you can always earn money as can they in the future, you are giving them an emotionally stable upbringing and being the best role model which is priceless

You sound utterly amazing!

Don't forget that it's not material things that count when you look back at your life and your children's: it's good experiences and having got out of HELL and taken your children on a well deserved holiday and living in peace and safety is far more important in life.

Success and happiness in life is a journey, not a destination. You will get there with your doctorate even if it takes longer and starts later than you wish.

Don't be hard on yourself, if you want a mortgage one day then that is a great goal to have once you have your doctorate and earning more...so you will get there but not necessarily right now so pace yourself!

Enjoy your dc's childhood and what you have already achieved and keep your goals but don't let them consume you.

Step by step and enjoy the journey!

Bloody hell you've done amazingly well. How many people own their home but are living with a complete shit of a partner and wishing they had the guts to escape? (If Mumsnet is anything to by then a fuck tonne of people). 40 years old is nothing. Who knows what might happen in the future? Supporting your family - including treating them - is not frittering money. I say this as someone who left a DV relationship pregnant and on the bones of my arse. I have been slowly saving money and building myself back up but am so proud of what I've achieved although it isn't the perfect husband, house, 2.4 kids and a golden Labrador. Success comes in loads of different forms; happiness health and a few quid saved up for a rainy day really are the most important things.

I agree with everyone else’s lovely comments!! You have done amazing!! You could have just gone mad and wasted all of the money and no one would of judged you!! Keep on going and don’t let yourself get down about things out of your control!! 🤩

You're an amazing woman and you should be so proud of what you've achieved.

I'm 48, divorced and we sold the family home, I got £4K that's it. I now rent and have done for 8 years, there is no way I can get a mortgage even though my rent is probably more than a mortgage would be.

No savings and I don't earn enough so no chance of this changing. But you know what, me and DD are happy, our rented home is lovely. We have each other to.

I'm a firm believer in focussing on what you've got, and not what you haven't got!

You are a fricking hero. You've done all that and you've still got £7k?? Rock on with yourself.

A house of your own is clearly important to you - so keep your £7k and start adding to it, little bits as you can. It'll take a good old while but you can manage it. Chip away at it, explore the Money Saving Expert forums and see what you can do to add extra money. It's a long term project - and I can tell you're good at those because LOOK WHAT AMAZING THINGS YOU'VE DONE ALREADY!

You are flipping awesome. I know it might not feel it right now but you're an inspiration.

I'm 40 and don't own a house. I know it's not ideal, but I'm not panicking and nearly crying. Do you think I should be?

Remember that Allison Pearson book "I don't know how she does it"?...that could have been you she was referring to....
Would absolutely echo what everyone else has said...just savour where you are and what you have now....."sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" etc.

Once the DC are a bit older you'll still have a fair old whack of working life ahead...there'll be time yet for adding to a pension or taking out a mortgage.

For the time being maybe explore finding a more amenable landlord who wouldn't mind you decorating a little?
In the meantime..huge respect...you've inspired me to take action in my own life...(once I've got the slight matter of my tax return completed...only 27 hours to go...)

You are a very strong, brave woman and your children are very lucky to have your protection and motivation. If you can achieve all that in the aftermath of an abusive relationship, there'll be no stopping you now you're 4 years free of it. As an aside, that student loan repayment sounds very high. Is it with the Student Loans Company or was it a bank loan? If the former, it might be worth checking. I can't recall exact figures now, but when I was earning about £2000 per month after tax, I'm sure I only paid around £140ish.

My God OP. You left an abusive marriage (most women don't, not that that's their fault), you retrained, you supported yourself, you got your children safe and sheltered and fed, you've improved your earning power, and you think you've failed? Why? Because you don't have a house in one of the hardest house buying times in modern history?

As for the holiday, well, sometimes you can't afford NOT to do things. After everything you guys have been through, a great experience and happy memories would be cheap at twice the price.

Next time you're worried about renting, look around at the four walls (which I am sure are lovely) and think how they are protecting you and your children, and YOU are solely responsible for that. And enjoy a long hot shower whenever you like. It really doesn't matter that you don't own bricks, mortar and the air in between. You have your family and your freedom and that's priceless.

You have done amazing - and I din’r Think you’ve wasted a penny, you’ve looked after yours and your child’s mental health by taking that holiday.
And fwiw, I have the ex marital home and at times it’s a bloody great weight around my neck . My mortgage payment is low, but I’m shitting myself about paying it when the TC’s and maintenance stops, my job is low paid and I’ve tried and tried to improve my career but failed every time.

You sound the opposite of shit, you sound like a brave person and an amazing mother for taking the DC out of that situation

Thanks barefoof you are right. I haven't been buying expensive clothes etc. I've been buying tumble dryers and guitar lessons and paying my bills. It isn't frittering.

Well done for getting out too. Pregnant on top? You are amazing

Bloody hell op, you've achieved a hell of a lot! We didn't buy our house until in my mid-40's, have very little savings and i intend to get on with living not regretting what might-never-have-happened-anyway.
Ok, my sisters live in big houses, drive posh cars etc etc but at least we have a roof over our heads and two happy, healthy adult DCs plus dgcs.
💐🍷and onwards & upwards!

In the nicest possible way my lovely you need to focus on what you have and what you’ve achieved. You’re bloody amazing!!

Your dc don’t care whether you own a house. They really don’t. And it doesn’t matter one jot that you don’t.