To ask Dh to go to the 'posh' pub for Sunday lunch

[ilovedoodles]

Just asked my Dh if he would like to go for Sunday dinner tomorrow at a pub and he said yes.
I suggested a particular pub which does amazing food and he said only if you're paying (as he thinks it is too expensive). It is a bit pricey for a roast at £15 each but on the other hand it is really nice food and is much nicer than any of the other local places.
We haven't been out together anywhere this weekend where we spent money. He would quite happily go to another pub that will cost £11 each. I won't enjoy this as much as the food is just ok.
AIBU to think he can't spare another £4? I have said I will pay for myself.
He earns a good wage and money is not an issue.

Harshbuttrue - no I don't think anyone should be subbing anyone actually. I think it's an unbelievable discussion for a married couple to be having in the first place

OP it sounds like you don't trust him enough to share finances, otherwise you wouldn't worry about him potentially using it to control you. Your set up is the way it is for a reason - unfortunately not a positive one.

Yes that is probably true and you're right it's not good

"He is quite tight and controlling with money."

This has red flags all over it. Does he not realise just how unreasonable he is being?

No not at all. He thinks this is my fault because we could have just gone to the cheaper place together.

Can I suggest that from now on you cook him cheap shit meals and make something nicer for yourself. Perhaps the penny might drop.

And as I said early on, lower the amount you transfer to him. 50/50 isn't fair when he earns more, and it's not as if you're getting an equal say either. So bring it down to whatever is in proportion to what you earn.

This means I can't even do the food shopping without him there because I've already given the money for it to him.

So stop. Tell him that you are going to transfer an amount that is proportionate to your income rather than an equal amount, and that you are also going to hold back something for food shopping which you will do from now on. Tramping round several supermarkets to save at most, I suspect, £2 or 3 a week, is ridiculous.

The only thing is though if I transfer less then he won't be able to pay the bills. It's complicated. On paper he earns twice as much as me (gross wage). But circumstances mean that I need to pay half or we would be short.

Why don't you both pay the same proportion of your income into the joint account? So if you both pay 50% the amount he pays in would be more.

If you are both paying the same what does he spend his spare money on?

Set up a separate joint account that you both have cards to. Then you can use your card for the purchases you want to make.

Yes maybe we could do that for the food shop

Tomorrow for dinner you could just give him something like beans in toast. Then spam sandwiches the next night. When he says, "What's this?" just say, "Cheap like you."

To me it reads like his money goes on something that it must go on kids but probably not a of it

I wouldn’t have joint finances with this man. It only works if you are both on the same page.

The shopping thing sounds miserable too.

Does he have lots of debt? Or child maintenance to pay?

I think joint finances only work if you’re not married to an arsehole who will take advantage... And tbh it sounds like that’s who op is married too so I think it’s wise to keep money separate in your case. The current set up isn’t exactly great though, you’re giving him half your money every month? When he earns more?

Why do you give him the miney for mortgage, bills and food?

Can't the mortgage and bills come out of a joint account?

Are you giving him cash? It will look like he pays the mortgage and bills if he oays from his account.

And ehat if he isn't soending the food money all on food and pocketing the difference?

I wouldn't go all in with a man who was controlling with finances. Actually I'd struggle to go all in with anyone. It makes me feel too vulnerable due to past experiences.
The arrangement that works for us is to have our wages paid into our own accounts and a percentage transferred to a joint account for mortgage, bills, shared expenses etc.
That way we each have out own money and there is shared money for the shared costs.
We have different attitudes to spending. He does not need to know how much of my wages I spend on manicures and coffee - just that the mortgage and bills are covered.

If he doesn’t want to share finances, but is happy for you to transfer money to him so you can only access it to go shopping via him, then that is a totally unreasonable set up that puts you at a disadvantage. Why don’t you get a joint account that you each pay a certain amount into for bills, shopping etc that you both have equal access to?

We share finances, usually I would say I think it's the best option BUT do NOT share finances with this man, EVER. I know he is your dh but he sounds like a miserable bastard, happy for you to pay over the odds when he earns more but not happy to pay an extra £4 for a fucking carvary, like is too short to live with this tightness, and then he blames you???

He sounds like he could peel an orange in his pocket. Horrible trait