To ask Dh to go to the 'posh' pub for Sunday lunch

[ilovedoodles]

Just asked my Dh if he would like to go for Sunday dinner tomorrow at a pub and he said yes.
I suggested a particular pub which does amazing food and he said only if you're paying (as he thinks it is too expensive). It is a bit pricey for a roast at £15 each but on the other hand it is really nice food and is much nicer than any of the other local places.
We haven't been out together anywhere this weekend where we spent money. He would quite happily go to another pub that will cost £11 each. I won't enjoy this as much as the food is just ok.
AIBU to think he can't spare another £4? I have said I will pay for myself.
He earns a good wage and money is not an issue.

You get the same size portion of food at both places. He just doesn't see the value of sitting in a 'nicer' place and having better quality food. He will eat anything. He also doesn't see the extra cost of £4 as worth it for his wife's happiness.

DH earns £600pm more than me. He pays £300 more into joint account than me.

Mortgage and bills are paid out of joint account.

I also pay for shopping for the house and meals out from the joint account.

DH chooses not to have a card for the joint account and pays for meals out and stuff for the house from his personal account, even though I tell him he should use the joint account.

I don't think it would be fair for us to have separate finances and for me to pay 50/50 to bills.

We don’t have completely joint finances, but share things evenly. DH earns considerably more as I took a demotion to be able to focus on DS, and went part time-resulting in a £25k reduction in my income.

I put 50% of my earnings into an account for the bills. 50% is left for me to use for my own spending (diesel, clothes, activities etc). DH pays the mortgage, for both cars and puts into the joint savings account leaving him the same amount of disposable money in his account that I have in mine.

This works for us. We both have some individual money to spend without having to run purchase by someone else. If we go out for dinner together DH uses pays as he spends less of his disposable money than me (being a woman is much more expensive than a man!)

All this "i'll pay for me and you pay for you" bit is very studenty. Couldn't live like that.

Just tell him you’re going to the posh pub for lunch, take your iPad, and he’s welcome to join you if he likes.

I don't think we're going anywhere now anyway.

Please take yourself out - make it a nice relaxing morning by going out for coffee and staying for lunch.

I don't think we're going anywhere now anyway

Just go! Enjoy yourself. Let him make his own lunch if he wants to be a twat.

Please go with a friend or alone with a book, don’t waste your Sunday x

How are dcs finances split for those who have separate finances and one earns more than the other?

What happens if there’s essential DC spend but one parent can’t afford it?

Does the DC miss out?

"He just doesn't see the value of sitting in a 'nicer' place and having better quality food"

That would be a deal breaker for me. I consider myself a competent cook and there is no way I would go out and pay for a meal that is worse than something I could make at home.

Options for today:

Just go on your own
Find a friend to go with
Go shopping and buy yourself a really nice ready meal and your husband a cheap value shit meal
Cook some lunch for yourself only and tell him he can make his own sandwich as food is just fuel to him

And lastly, being tight is a nasty trait

OP this all sounds very sad and not the recipe for happiness.

Agree that there this is more than just £4... he is a controlling and mean and stingy and no fun!

Please find a friend today and go somewhere nice - maybe one you can talk to and get some real life advice. Something needs to change.

Good luck

No I don't think your being unreasonable. I'd prefer the posher one if the foods nicer.

Is he actually quibbling about it and refusing to go? Or has he just made an off the cuff remark about you paying?

I can imagine the conversation between DH & me going:
Me: I really fancy going to X
DH: only if you're paying, I'm happy with Y
Me: ok

& off we would trot to my choice

I’m afraid his attitude to money and YOU would be a deal breaker for me

Why do people bother getting married if they are going to keep their finances separate? How can you trust someone enough to have children, but not to open a joint account? You essentially remain as flatmates. If you have children, do you quibble over who buys what for them? As for "treating" each other, words fail me.

OP, I'm sorry but I just don't know how you can live the way you do.

This sounds awful OP.

Are you used to eating out alone? If not perhaps today could be the first time. A practice run if you like. If you do go your husband will probably make unkind remarks and try to ruin it for you, either before you go or when you come back or both. I’m not saying that should stop you, just that you should prepare for it. Anticipate it and imagine his words bouncing off you.

You could enjoy your lunch, have a couple of drinks and consider your future. Really let your mind wander and visualise a life without him. Take the paper or a magazine if you feel self conscious.

Go out on your own. If the nice lunch place will upset you because your DH has stolen the sunshine then do something else eg meet up with a friend; go to a museum; go into town.
If you stay at home, you're waiting for the huff to thaw.
If you're out, at least you have the chance of a nice day. And you deserve a nice day. And a £15 lunch if you want one.

Go without him, take a book and spends bit of time working out a proportional input to the household budget. Make sure you show how many £4 extra it gives him a month compared to you and start paying the new amount. If you don’t know his salary details, make some assumptions and come up with a number anyway, if he wants to provide actual information you can update it , otherwise start paying your assumption based number.
The one time we had separate finances was when we were engaged. I worked out a house saving and a wedding saving plan, dps contributions were of course less as he had a lower income at the time and some student debt. I can’t imagine leaving my partner with less spending money than me.

Chewbeca - why on earth would you be happy with that?

he said only if you're paying
AIBU to think he can't spare another £4?
I have said I will pay for myself.
He earns a good wage and money is not an issue.

You're married, right? What's all this separate finance nonsense? You'll pay for yourself? He'll pay for himself? He asked if you are paying?

WTF??

I would find it very difficult to be married to someone who didn’t share his money.

If you’re not going out then please, whatever you do, do not cook a Sunday roast!

I think he’s behaving appallingly. If you can’t go with a friend go by yourself, take a book and enjoy some time away from the abusive bastard.

You go to nice place & he can go to the crap place. :-)

If he doesn’t see the extra £4 worth it for your happiness, you’ve got worse problems than an argument about which meal to eat. This is about care, respect and consideration. You’re really not selling his merits here.