To ask Dh to go to the 'posh' pub for Sunday lunch

[ilovedoodles]

Just asked my Dh if he would like to go for Sunday dinner tomorrow at a pub and he said yes.
I suggested a particular pub which does amazing food and he said only if you're paying (as he thinks it is too expensive). It is a bit pricey for a roast at £15 each but on the other hand it is really nice food and is much nicer than any of the other local places.
We haven't been out together anywhere this weekend where we spent money. He would quite happily go to another pub that will cost £11 each. I won't enjoy this as much as the food is just ok.
AIBU to think he can't spare another £4? I have said I will pay for myself.
He earns a good wage and money is not an issue.

I.live with a tight arse. We split household bills and I pay for meals out and holidays as I earn more. If I left the social side to DP we would never go anywhere . He won't go to the pub any more as he can drink more cheaply at home (I don't drink at home). I go without him! I also buy the "named" clothing DS loves as DP would pass out at the cost of a pair of trainers!

i have to say being so tight would erode my love for him too....
Does he realise that?

Well you have bigger issues here than the roast.

But Id say "im going here for lunch. Do what you want"

OP - so you split bills 50:50 yet he earns more than you. Does he earn significantly more so he can enjoy things you can’t (not that he seems that into spending!). Do you have children? And if so is that why you earn less? I couldn’t live like this.

We have joint finances but can understand separate finances if it’s fair and not overly rigid. I don’t get separate finances if you pay 50:50 and each partner earns a different amount, especially in a marriage - totally unfair!

The issue here is far more than a quibble over Sunday lunch.... it’s about a miserly partner who is also selfish and doesn’t respect you.

This really, really isn’t about a roast dinner is it OP? It’s not just the quibbling over money that would get me, it’s the feeling that he doesn’t care enough about me to want to share or treat me when he can afford it. Yet he’s quite happy to sit and watch you make the roast dinner every week (and wash his pants I’ll bet). And it’s not about the ‘man’ paying as I’ve had more money than friends or partners at times and been happy to pay for them. It’s about generosity of spirit, which he doesn’t seem to be displaying reading between the lines. You sound really fed up. If you don’t yet have children, he wouldn’t be any better once you had them and would probably be a whole lot worse.

• I bet this spills over into the bedroom too... firstly, it affects your closeness as a couple so you’re less willing or unwilling to be intimate (i know i would be - massive turn off), and secondly, even if when you do bring yourself to have sex with this controlling miser, he’s selfish and miserly between the sheets.

The higher earner might say how great it is having separate finances in a marriage. The lower earner might feel a bit like a second class citizen who for example has to beg the higher earner to let them go for a £15 Sunday dinner by saying they’ll give them the £4 difference. Doesn’t sound great. Having some level of separate cash for spending on own clothes and hobbies etc would be fine but for anything you do together as a couple such as meals and drinks shouldn’t be dissected and quibbled over like that. Sounds awful.

• if you don’t have children yet with each other.... don’t, it would be a nightmare!

I don't get the concept of shared finances

Bumdishcloths. I’m struggling to understand how you cannot even get the “concept” of shared finances?! Do you completely lack imagination?

Just wondering... does he agree that the more expensive lunch and pub is better?
I agree he sounds like an tight arse, but in his position, I would quibble paying the extra if I didn’t agree the lunch was better, or I didn’t enjoy the ‘posh pub’ environment as much.

Bum

I agree. We have a joint account for bills etc but rest in our accounts. We take it in turns to treat the other to dinner or a night out.

I can't believe there's so much opinion on separated finances?

DH and I have separate finances and we wouldn't have it any other way, we both own our own money and choose to spend it on what we want.

Tbh, I find the whole sharing accounts and money old fashioned and not being independent of each other.

DH is being silly to quibble over £4 on this occasion and if you usually cook and he earns more then he shouldn't be causing such a scene over it.

*earn not own

We earn about the same now so everything is split down the middle but at any point where salaries change, we work out the percentage difference so we both contribute the same to the joint account for bills & food/petrol and have the same left over.

I can’t stand meanness, my husband used to be the same and whenever we went out to eat he’d order the cheapest thing on the menu, so I’d be sat there with a steak and he’d have a salad and it was obvious that he wasn’t ordering what he really wanted, but then he’d always be hungry afterwards and it used to drive me mad. I could understand if £4 meant the difference between eating and heating but he’s got a good job, nice car and about £20k in savings, so after a while I started to pull him up on it and point out that the difference between what he wanted and the cheapest thing was only a couple of pounds so he needed to pull himself together. He seems to be over it now but I still see occasional bits of petty meanness and I pull him up on it every time.

Tbh, I find the whole sharing accounts and money old fashioned and not being independent of each other.

Exactly.

Imagine OP’s DH if all money was shared. She wouldn’t even be in the position of being able to say, “sod it, I’m going to xyz for lunch, you do what you want”. Because they’d then be arguing over how much OP was going to spend on her lunch from his share of their pot.

Nothing wrong with a shared account for specific bills/expenses and everything else kept separate.

Write him a cheque for £4 and tell him you're both going to the good place.
And if he doesn't have the grace to rip it up, that'll be your sign to take a good look at your relationship.

I don't think it's so much the unshared finances that bothers me. As @ShellyBoobs points out shared finances could bring more problems too.
@Flappyears that's exactly how I feel and what upsets me. You hit the nail on the head when you said the problem is that he doesn’t care enough about me to want to share or treat me when he can afford it.
He treats me as if I'm being a princess about it. He doesn't think about my happiness and that spending this extra £4 to go somewhere else would make me happy. I don't think I am asking for a lot, just a Sunday dinner out at a 'posh' pub.
He is selfish @coconuttella and I don't think he does respect me.
I don't think we're going anywhere now anyway. We're not talking to each other and I can't think of anything worse than having to make fake polite conversation with him at the dinner table anyway.

Quite apart from the separate/non separate finance issues I would go to the £15 lunch. As a foodie I cannot see the point in paying £11 for a shit meal when you can a really nice meal for £15.

He sounds pathetically childish BTW.

Why not go with a friend instead?

I don't really get the idea of anything other than shared finances in a marriage, to be honest.

What will the higher earner do if finances aren't split? Will they just buy themselves designer clothes and flashy watches while their spouse shops in Primark? Or buy themselves a holiday home to go and sit in on their own?

Marriage is for life, so there'd be no point in one partner building up savings that they've no plans to share, either.

It's just odd to me, but I know a lot of people feel uncomfortable about the idea of splitting everything. Maybe it depends on how long you've had separate finances before you get together.

Go alone, OP. Take the Sunday papers. It’ll be bloody lovely.

Well this is a mess and a half. Why do you put up with this OP? This isn't a partnership.

*Nothing wrong with a shared account for specific bills/expenses and everything else kept separate.

There isnif one spouse lives in luxury and the other in poverty. If partners in a relationship aren’t at least broadly on the same wavelength about finances and can’t come to an arrangement where they trust each other with money, don’t control the other’s spending, are generous where budgets permit and respect each other’s financial concerns, then it’s not a healthy relationship.

Nothing wrong with a shared account for specific bills/expenses and everything else kept separate.

Sorry, meant to embolden this as a quote from a previous post that I disagreed with.

My OH chooses quantity over quality. He thinks if you aren't getting a massive meal for your money you are being ripped off, doesn't matter if the food is any good or not. 95% of the time it's not! So I go for shit cheap meals with him, nice ones with my friends.