To ask Dh to go to the 'posh' pub for Sunday lunch

[ilovedoodles]

Just asked my Dh if he would like to go for Sunday dinner tomorrow at a pub and he said yes.
I suggested a particular pub which does amazing food and he said only if you're paying (as he thinks it is too expensive). It is a bit pricey for a roast at £15 each but on the other hand it is really nice food and is much nicer than any of the other local places.
We haven't been out together anywhere this weekend where we spent money. He would quite happily go to another pub that will cost £11 each. I won't enjoy this as much as the food is just ok.
AIBU to think he can't spare another £4? I have said I will pay for myself.
He earns a good wage and money is not an issue.

Sorry, I’m struggling with te finances too.

Would you consider paying for him? Maybe just go on your own (jk)

Is the grocery shop money split?

Haha @Weezol I have images of him desperately searching for the £4 and upon finding them making a a Gollum "my precious" noise

I cannot imagine having to live like this, at times DH and I have been poor students and times quite comfortable, we have never squabbled over four pounds. I would suggest leaving him at home and having a nice solo lunch.

OK, so let me guess again since I did so well last time. He prefers to split your household bills etc 50/50 although he earns more than you. Yes?

Yes

Glad to be of service.

In which case, hide three and keep one. When you get home and he complains about finding only three/is still looking, give him the fourth as a reward for being persistent, then say 'I really enjoyed my lunch so I left a massive tip'. And retire for a nap.

If everything is 50/50 money wise, is the housework 50/50 too? If not I’d be packing in washing/tidying/cooking his stuff. Surely that’s the only way to split it evenly too. Maybe ration out the loo roll and washing liquid whilst you’re at it.

Right, so his approach to your/his/shared money is fundamentally unfair. Does he also moan about stuff you want to buy while being fine about purchases he wants? Or is he a self-denying type who never buys anything and just likes his money to sit in the bank?

Anyway, I think now you should say to him that you've been thinking it over and as a goodwill gesture, you'll take him out for lunch tomorrow as it's your choice of venue. But at the same time, you're concerned that your household finances are not fairly shared, so you're going to reduce the amount you contribute towards bills so it's in proportion to how much less you earn than him.

Ilove I'm now divorced, but we never, ever argued about money. We each had our own accounts and then a joint account which we each paid into to cover living costs. We earned pretty much the same, so 50:50.

When I reduced my hours, I was earning 20% less, so the sums were done and proportions adjusted accordingly.

People really can't believe we never argued about money, but in 10 years we reall didn't, because our way was fair.

Next time you cook a Sunday dinner, charge him £11 after deducting the cost of the ingredients he has paid towards, Your labour should not be free.

People really can't believe we never argued about money, but in 10 years we reall didn't, because our way was fair.

In our 18 years together the only argument we had about money was not long after we first got together and for reasons outwith his control because his lazy arsed brother stopped paying him rent he was skint. He kept refusing to go out for meals and stuff because he hated seeming like he was scrounging, and for about two months we never went anywhere. I got sick of it, told him not to be so bloody stupid and it was absolutely right that I should cover the costs and I wasn’t going to spend another night in when I could afford to take him out. That’s the way it has remained ever since. Joint stuff is split based on earnings and the rest we do with what we wish, of either of us is short, we chuck the other some cash.

Sorry, but this is not a "petty" thing. It is controlling and perversely vindictive. Is he implying you aren't worth it? Is your happiness, which can be achieved through a very simple, reasonable request, not important to him? What an asshole. This will only get worse, I guarantee it.

Hope he does 50% of the house related labour!

Does he do 50% of the emotional labour, childcare if you have children, housework, cooking, cleaning etc.?

Honestly I couldn't be arsed by someone this mean and shitty. He'd be single.

I’ve always wondered when the finances are split and it’s ‘my money’ and ‘your money’ what happens if one can’t work? What money goes on children?
What if one earns more and wants the nice family holiday but the other can’t afford it?
I just don’t understand the practicalities of it.

The trouble of making a Sunday roast is far more expensive than the £30 it would cost you at the pub.

I understand when you said that his behaviour was making it harder for you to love him.

Something like this can ruin a marriage!

For me it’s not so much petty or mean, but miserly with his affection or regard for you.

£4 is £4, I’m in no position to judge whether that’s a lot or a little for you. And it may be that he doesn’t see the difference in quality so thinks it’s £8 for sheer snobbery which at least is logical (but still deeply unattractive). But assuming none of that applies, the point is you want something that you (jointly, separately) can afford, but he doesn’t want to give it to you. So much so, that he’s making you pay twice over for the privilege of having this thing that you want, and giving him a freebie expensive (as far as he’s concerned) thing to boot. I mean, it’s like he’s punishing you!

If you’re trying to get business out of a reluctant client, this is how that client would treat you. They give you the privilege of their company at your expense with no intention of reciprocating. They take you for a ride.

As PP suggested, try to explain the value of a good £15 dinner as being better than an average or poor £11 one. Tell him that things aren't just measured by cost and follow it up with "what is more important, saving £8 or having a really nice time to celebrate the weekend?" People's attitude to money comes from somewhere deep in my experience and a lot of people are unaware of it.
Wish I could take my own advice on this though!
Or you could "do a Mumsnet" and LTB!

He sounds mean.

I'd go by myself and leave him to fend for himself.

Am going to stick my neck out here and admit I don't believe anyone, and I mean anyone , doesn't realise they've attached themselves to a mean bastard. Mean bastards show themselves from day one, it's their rule. So they partners who snap and can't cope eventually, I'm afraid I have no sympathy. You gave these monstrosities house room and the daft hope that their essential grinch could change. To you I say, pah!

OP, why are you putting up with this? You're subsidising him when he earns more than you.

And don't for the tight bastard's dinner.

I dint understand this at all. How can "you" or "him" be paying if you're a married couple? Do you carry on as if you're separate people with separate accounts? Why? Also, what is the deal with £4? I can't believe people actually carry on like this.

Sorry but I don't think it has ever cost me
more than £30 to make a roast at home.

That's buying decent quality stuff too.

The obvious differences to me would be size of family ( we are four ) and what type
of meat ( I buy an organic chicken and a small gammon )

I have a friend who will "borrow" from her husband.
It baffles me!

Op- go to the nicer place.
Tell dh that quibbling over £4 is pathetic unless of course you had any money worries.
£4 doesn't buy much these days.

Just go to the nicer pub and be done with with, as arguing over £4 is lunacy.

Nothing at all wrong with separate finances. We've had them for 15 years and it works perfectly.