To ask Dh to go to the 'posh' pub for Sunday lunch

[ilovedoodles]

Just asked my Dh if he would like to go for Sunday dinner tomorrow at a pub and he said yes.
I suggested a particular pub which does amazing food and he said only if you're paying (as he thinks it is too expensive). It is a bit pricey for a roast at £15 each but on the other hand it is really nice food and is much nicer than any of the other local places.
We haven't been out together anywhere this weekend where we spent money. He would quite happily go to another pub that will cost £11 each. I won't enjoy this as much as the food is just ok.
AIBU to think he can't spare another £4? I have said I will pay for myself.
He earns a good wage and money is not an issue.

If you’re not going, I hope you’re not cooking his fucking dinner.

Agree with Gina

It's no wonder so many marriages fail when married couples are essentially living as independent flatmates with their own finances - quibbling for years on end over who pays what, "treating" each other, proportional amounts and this nonsense. I never realised anyone lived like this until I read AIBU.

Me and hubby have different accounts that our wages go into.

A joint savings account which we each pay into and bigger purchases come out of here. Things like kids clothes, shopping spree, car fixes etc.

A joint bills account. We each pay our allotted amount over when we get
Paid. Food comes out of here as well

Then our own accounts are for whatever we want plus our petrol. If I fancy going out for lunch I'd pay from my account etc etc.

Mrsjellybum DH and I organise our finances in exactly the same way as you. I don't see a problem with it.

The issue with OP here seems to run deeper than just the £4.00 difference in price for the meal. DH sounds stubborn and OP sounds fed up that she's put up with it all this time.

I'd find a friend to go with or take a book go on my own and really savour the £15 lunch.

YANBU

Totally separate finances would say "flatmates" rather than "married couple" to me as well....

Do you have children, OP? If not, how will it work when you do? There are so many expenses related to DCs - on an ongoing basis - that I can't imagine how it works if all of these have to be accounted for and allocated to the last £4. And what if your "half" doesn't cover it - does the child not go on the school trip/not have the new shoes etc?

I'm going to go to a really lovely gym/spa place that is local. It is about the same cost as the 'posh' meal for a day pass. I'm going to sit in the jacuzzi there with a glass of bubbly...alone.

He can stay at home and rub his saved coins together!

Good for you OP! You enjoy your day.

Yep, he sounds really tightfisted, mean and all for himself rather than a union. That’s a shame...it’s very unattractive I’m sure.

If I fancy going out for lunch I'd pay from my account etc etc.

What happens if, say, you take the kids out for lunch on your own? Sometimes I would find it hard to put things exclusively into a "treat for me" or "treat for the children" category?

Good for you doodles and whilst you are there have a think about what's going on in your marriage.

This really doesn't sound right. £4?

Have a lovely day!

@NataliaOsipova we're pretty flexible with the 'savings' account which more often than not gets used as a sort of shared buffer / treat account we have a lower limit that we don't go below (just in case we need cash in an emergency) if I went out just me and the kids I'd still pay but if I was a bit strapped for cash I'd take it from the savings and let Him know. He does the same back and let's me know what he's taken out the joint account.

I don't think we would cope with everything being joint as our current situation works well Also my husband smokes and I could t be doing with seeing a joint account go down and down because of his daily smoking costs.

What happens if there’s essential DC spend but one parent can’t afford it?

It would be a shared cost - well it would for everyone I know who has separate finances.

I’m not (and I don’t think others are, either) talking about separate finances to the extent that you would be splitting individual bills or ‘you pay this bit, I’ll pay that bit’ type arrangement.

DP and I both pay into a joint account each month which covers everything like bills related to our main home, holiday home, all household bills, groceries, holidays, home improvements, school fees (uni fees now) anything DD needs, etc, etc. There is also a big surplus in the joint account and periodically that gets put into a joint savings account, if there’s an interest rate benefit to be had.

It’s just that we have our own separate finances, too, and pay for our own cars, clothes, extra holidays and nights out with friends, etc, etc.

We need £x,xxx per month going into the joint account and we pay it roughly proportionally based on our net annual incomes, although incomes varies with bonuses, etc.

The main thing is that we each have money which is absolutely our own. Not a share of a joint account. Not money we agree with each other to spend. It’s our own. If I wanted to spend £5k on a designer bag (I wouldn’t) it would be no concern of DP’s.

Happily married with separate finances here. I earn more but we go 50/50 on all bills, I pay for food shopping and clothes for all 4 of us (2 DSC)

The PP who was astounded they don't know how much their DP earns...I never know exactly how much I earn off the top of my head, I have to go to my payslip to look. Same with DH!

Mrsjellybum understood! And totally fair enough. Just being nosey really - had never understood (before you explained) how it could work with kids in the equation.

My rule is to not go out and pay for food that's shitter than I could make at home.

You get the same size portion of food at both places. He just doesn't see the value of sitting in a 'nicer' place and having better quality food. He will eat anything. He also doesn't see the extra cost of £4 as worth it for his wife's happiness.

TBH, I would be the one who wouldn't be as fussed about where we went, because I'm not a foodie, but my DH would definitely be the one who would prefer to spend a bit more and get the nicer food. And you know what? I would be happy to do that for him! Because I love him and it's £4!

He is being selfish and mean.

Enjoy your spa day. I would think long and hard about how you want to spend the rest of your life while you're there. Behaviour like this is wearing, and if you have children together, imagine how his penny pinching then will make you feel while you try to ensure that your children don'g go without ... misery.

@NataliaOsipova no worries nose away.
I suppose it also depends on ur financial situation. We both earn a decent amount but I can see that if people are strapped for cash then one account would work better. X

Enjoy your spa day!

If I were you, I would be mentioning this incident to others in his presence in a light-hearted way too eg 'Oh I had a lovely spa day because DH didn't want to pay £4 extra for a roast lunch ha, ha.' Mean-spirited men don't like their behaviour being brought into the light of day. Part of their power comes from relying on your silence. Let people see him for the petty, penny-pinching prat he is.

Started a new thread in money matter re joint or separate accounts.
Think I've hijacked OPs thread 🙈

MrsJelly - thanks for explaining to me too. It sounds as if you basically have joint accounts, but prefer to keep a bit back for yourselves.
We just always had everything joint since we got engaged. I don't really keep track of his spending or vice versa because we just trust each other not to go crazy. If I was going to buy a £400 k handbag (not that I would either), I would run it by him. Similarly, if he was buying himself a car, this would be mentioned, but otherwise we just spend on ourselves as we see reasonable. It all balances out over time probably.

@g1itterati yes I suppose it's pretty much joint to a Serrano point.
Once the bills etc are out the way our money is separate and ours to do what we want with.

Started a new thread in money matter re joint or separate accounts.

Good idea. We can all argue about it there. The 2 sides will never agree on this one.