Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

RUBU about grandparents?

132 replies

Caroelle · 27/01/2018 13:18

I read this page occasionally and I have been noticing more threads about what is reasonable/ unreasonable behaviour in relation to grandparents.. I am in my mid50s but had my children late, youngest is just 18. I am a social worker and worked throughout their childhood, this was p/t until youngest was 13. My job is stressful and I’m currently working about 50 hours a week, which is exhausting. My children have been n/c with my parents as they are very damaged and damaging people. I am very much looking to be a grandparent at some point. I am also looking forward to retiring and doing the things that my job, and being a parent, has stopped me from doing. For me and DH that is our time. Our bodies are ageing, I know that we get tired more quickly than we did 10 years ago. What comes across on this page quite regularly is that some people seem to assume that grandparents will/ should do anything for their grandchildren, usually to help out the parents. If gps don’t do this, they are considered selfish and inflexible. They seem to have to account for their time, if they aren’t doing something the poster approves of then they are seen as being un-co-operative/ unhelpful. If you are getting free childcare, baby sitters, pick ups from school etc just be grateful. If your children have a loving relationship with other adults, value this. Be grateful for your parents, they have lives and dreams and things that they want to do. They have already brought up one family, hopefully they choose to help and support you but it is not their responsibility to do everything you may think they should do, no matter how much they love you and your children. No doubt that I will get shot down about this. C’est la vie!

OP posts:
MadRainbow · 27/01/2018 13:32

FWIW I have a 4 year old and another due in April, I am 28, both sets of GPs are in their mid to late 50s. I am very much of the opinion that if you choose to have children then they are WHOLLY your responsibility.

Help from GPs is greatly appreciated but never EXPECTED. I don't pay enough attention to the rest of the world to know if this is a prevalent attitude or the exception - hopefully if this is your attitude then your children will follow this example.

MiaowTheCat · 27/01/2018 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 13:39

I haven't noticed this attitude on mumsnet, quite the opposite.

My opinion is that grandparents should help out if they can.

I don't believe grandparents are obliged to provide free childcare for long hours while parents work, children are exhausting and it can be too much.

If grandparents won't babysit the odd afternoon, without good reason, while parents get a few hours to themselves, I'd call that selfish.

BeyondThePage · 27/01/2018 13:48

They have already brought up one family, hopefully they choose to help and support you but it is not their responsibility to do everything you may think they should do, no matter how much they love you and your children.

Conversely they need to accept that their children have a life and their own children and not expect to be "looked after" like "a close family" in their old age if they have been unprepared to reciprocate at times.

Goes both ways.

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 27/01/2018 13:50

My Grandparents had us quite a lot. I have great memories of being at their house, going to work with my Gran. The stuff we used to do together. I miss both of them a lot and think about them a great deal.

My own children's grandparents don't have them much, they have their own lives which is fine. We pay for childcare and don't go out a lot, or go out as a family. It has been made clear that we shouldn't ask them to help us, they've raised their own families and that's that. Fine. But they don't have the same relationship with their grandchildren that my grandparents had with me. They seem surprised that it should take time and investment.

Swings and roundabouts. We cope.

what I don't cope with is that this doesn't extend to my siblings children and the very obvious favouritism but hey ho

hesterton · 27/01/2018 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Caroelle · 27/01/2018 13:53

It’s not my hobby horse, just a point of view. Why ‘should’ grandparents help out? That is what I mean, there is an attitude at times that grandparents have to do things. I know that children are exhausting, I’ve got two, one with additional needs. I never expected that MiL would care for our children. We would ask her but if she had other commitments, because her life did not revolve around us, we accepted this. This was not being selfish, it was living her life after bringing up a family and working. She did look after our children but no way did I assume that she ‘should’ do this.

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 27/01/2018 13:53

I don’t expect my children to look after me in old age beyond, but if they EVER try to blackmail me into looking after their future children I’d go through them for a fucking shortcut. What a disgusting attitude you have. Just remember that when you’re grubbing about after their will.

Eggzandbacon · 27/01/2018 13:55

I don't think GPS should do everything - I know someone who is in her late 70s who now does everything for her feckless DS/DIL. All their household tasks and looking after their children constantly when frankly she is too old. She's knackered but feels obligated.
They save on childcare/cleaner costs and can pretend they have more money than they do.

However doing a bit of babysitting and in emergencies is normal.

Spartaca · 27/01/2018 13:56

Depends on what relationship they want with their kids and grandkids, especially as they age. Also depends on what relationship they themselves had with their parents. I know of a few sets who had an awful lot of help from their parents but now seem to think it would be hugely entitled of their own children to ask them. Similarly like to talk a good talk about how much they help their kids, make lots of offers of help (in general terms) but if their child takes them up on the offer there is low level huffing and puffing over the inconvenience.

My parents are a little guilty of the latter, but we rub along nicely.

I tend to see the opposite of the views you express here though, expect anything from family at your peril!

nuttyknitter · 27/01/2018 13:57

There's no 'should' about caring for grandchildren but I do think Grandparents miss out if they are given the opportunity to get involved but choose not to. I do regular childcare and babysitting for my DGCs and am very close to them - I feel it's a privilege.

BeyondThePage · 27/01/2018 13:59

Just remember that when you’re grubbing about after their will

There is no will, you cannot will your debts to anyone.

thecatsthecats · 27/01/2018 14:03

Hey, my MIL has her 72 year old mum do her ironing - I know where I'll stand when it comes to babysitting!

For what it's worth, all things being perfect, I'd like future grandparents to occasionally take any progeny I might have maybe once a month for an afternoon. Then when they're older, we'll support them in their homes with cleaning and shopping etc.

Everyone's needs change through their lives, so it seems silly coming up with hard and fast rules for unpredictable things.

TheAntiBoop · 27/01/2018 14:07

What an odd attitude that gps should expect no help if they haven't helped with their gc - what about the time they spent caring for and bringing you up

My parents were very honest and said that firstly, they just don't have the energy to look after young children all day and secondly, they don't want that kind of relationship with their gc - they want to be grandparents, not childcarers. As it is, they spend a lot of time with the gc but it is not a regular arrangement or expected.

Original poster
Caroelle · 27/01/2018 14:07

“not expect to be "looked after" like "a close family" in their old age if they have been unprepared to reciprocate at times.”
So you don’t intend to do anything for the people who have brought you up ( assuming that they were reasonable parents and weren’t abusive or neglectful) unless they look after your children. Surely, if it’s a business arrangement as you seem to describe it, you ‘reciprocate’ for the care they have given you already.

OP posts:
giveitfive · 27/01/2018 14:08

I don't think GPs should be obliged to help out. My DM is only 64 and works 50+ hours per week in her successful career. She has never babysat although my son's have a close and loving relationship with her. When I had my kids I fully expected to have to work it out myself. In a few years I look forward to being a GP and I hope to have the same loving bond as my kids have with their grandparents. I won't be free child care though. I'm looking forward to a bloody rest!

Crinkle77 · 27/01/2018 14:10

I agree with you op. it should not be an expectation that they will help out. If you have kids then the parents need to think about how they are going to manage work etc and not assume that the gp's will be there to do all the childcare. Gp's should not have to put their lives on hold. If they offer and are happy to do then that's fine but I have known some people out pressure on their parents. One lady I work with had a brain injury a few years ago and has been left with memory problems. She looked after her grandkids couple of days a week as well as working part time and her daughter wanted her to take on another day when she was not really up to it. How selfish is that?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 27/01/2018 14:11

I agree OP. There seems to be the attitude on here that adult children can expect their parents to be at their beck and call childcare wise and provide financial support still despite them being adults. When they are not willing to do the childcare they are called selfish for daring to say no.

Then there's the moaning that they dared to choose their own Christmas presents for the children or how dare they buy clothes/cakes etc for them.

It's pefectly possible to have a lovely relationship with grandchildren without providing child care.

BanyanTree · 27/01/2018 14:11

OP I think your original post is very sad. As a Social Worker I bet you see lots of dysfunctional families whose lives could be improved by a bit of love and direction from GPs.

I don't see why you can't have the best of both worlds. I want to play golf and hang out with friends when I retire. I want to take nice holidays. However, all that is nothing to the joy I will feel if my DS's include me in their lives with their families and let me tag a long with them on occasion. The younger generation these days have it really tough. Loads of debts from Uni, high bills, massive mortgages and less time than we had to socialise. I won't be able to sit back and watch my DS's juggle a family, a busy life and stress without trying to alleviate what I can with the 7 days of free time I have.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/01/2018 14:11

My opinion is that grandparents should help out if they can. Crikey! You really think that A N Other set of adults have an obligation to help parents raise their own kids?

It's great if GPs want to; it's nice if they will help out in an emergency; it's nicer still if they offer to take your kids off your hands for an hour or so, maybe even overnight occasionally. But should be obliged to do so? No, never!

As OP has said, some GPs just want to live, gain experiences their own parenthood curtailed... and why shouldn't they? Or is there a bitterness to some posters, who may not like seeing their parents 'waste' money on leisure activities when they could should be looking after their GCs?

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 14:13

Why should grandparents help out?

To help their children
To form a close relationship with the grandchildren
Because they love the children
Because it takes a village to raise a child
Because it's healthy for children to have relationships with other relatives independent from their parents
Because times have changed and families can no longer manage on one wage and childcare is extortionate
Because it feels good to help others

RoseWhiteTips · 27/01/2018 14:14

The use of the word “should” speaks volumes.

BanyanTree · 27/01/2018 14:18

When I made the conscious decision to try for DC I also remember telling myself that it also meant being a grandparent and MIL. I always knew that when I had DC it didn't just stop there.

RoseWhiteTips · 27/01/2018 14:19

The OP raises a valid concern. It is also my impression that too many people using this site assume their children should be looked after by grandparents if and when. It smacks of entitlement and an assumption that the world should - ooh that word again - revolve around them.

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 14:19

Well I think that when you start a family, it doesn't just end when your children turn 18.

I'm also of the opinion that children should help out their ageing parents IF they can.

Emphasis being on if they can.

In a lot of cases there's no reason why grandparents can live their own life as well as helping out now and then.

Anyway, you reap what you sow and all that.