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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

RUBU about grandparents?

132 replies

Caroelle · 27/01/2018 13:18

I read this page occasionally and I have been noticing more threads about what is reasonable/ unreasonable behaviour in relation to grandparents.. I am in my mid50s but had my children late, youngest is just 18. I am a social worker and worked throughout their childhood, this was p/t until youngest was 13. My job is stressful and I’m currently working about 50 hours a week, which is exhausting. My children have been n/c with my parents as they are very damaged and damaging people. I am very much looking to be a grandparent at some point. I am also looking forward to retiring and doing the things that my job, and being a parent, has stopped me from doing. For me and DH that is our time. Our bodies are ageing, I know that we get tired more quickly than we did 10 years ago. What comes across on this page quite regularly is that some people seem to assume that grandparents will/ should do anything for their grandchildren, usually to help out the parents. If gps don’t do this, they are considered selfish and inflexible. They seem to have to account for their time, if they aren’t doing something the poster approves of then they are seen as being un-co-operative/ unhelpful. If you are getting free childcare, baby sitters, pick ups from school etc just be grateful. If your children have a loving relationship with other adults, value this. Be grateful for your parents, they have lives and dreams and things that they want to do. They have already brought up one family, hopefully they choose to help and support you but it is not their responsibility to do everything you may think they should do, no matter how much they love you and your children. No doubt that I will get shot down about this. C’est la vie!

OP posts:
Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 15:21

My children's grandparents aren't run ragged.

If grandparents are being run ragged then they can say no, if adult children run their parents ragged then there is clearly a problem in the relationship and a breakdown in communication.

You don't have to run yourself ragged to help others.

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 15:23

I'm not projecting, you are.

The attitudes on mumsnet are alien to me.

NewYearNewMe18 · 27/01/2018 15:27

New year - so it's ok for the grand parents to be run ragged? Surely they've already done their bottom wiping duties!

I said "lend a hand" but I do live by it takes a village to raise a child

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 15:27

Mumsnet is just full of people with family issues.

It's not as though anyone takes the mother/mil to one side when they're pregnant and says "I'm insisting on x amount of hours of childcare".

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/01/2018 15:28

I'm not projecting, you are. ??

What am I projecting? I have only said that the level of obligation in the word should is inappropriate when talking about one person helping another!

dailyshite · 27/01/2018 15:29

Well you're being unreasonable for trying to hijack AIBU for a rant about your little hobby horse and tell people how to treat the relationships within their family

If we stick to your rules AIBU is going to be very quiet from now on.

OP - you have it spot on.

And whoever it was who said something along the lines of if they don't look after my kids they can't expect me to care for them in their old age - you sound a treat.

Lethaldrizzle · 27/01/2018 15:29

New year - you said 'Don't expect your children to be run ragged '. I was just quoting you.

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 15:33

You're seriously over analysing the word should.

There are things we should do in life. If we have good reason not to then we shouldn't.

Just not wanting to is often a good reason, but sometimes it just means you're a selfish git.

Only you know.

Original poster
Caroelle · 27/01/2018 15:33

NewYearNewMe18 This has clearly touched a nerve for you, but I think that you have missed the point of this post. What I am saying is that people should respect each other and not expect gps to do what parents want, when they want, because gps have a right to their own lives as well. And saying ‘no’ or ‘let’s do this at a different time’ is their prerogative. You have completely misquoted me, where is the reference to hopes and dreams? My hopes and dreams include having grandchildren, caring for them and supporting their parents. But I will not be treated like a difficult and unco-operative servant by anybody.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 27/01/2018 15:34

My opinion is that grandparents should help out if they can.

I guess this is exactly the attitude the OP is talking about. GPs should help out it they want to, not if they can. I'll mostly likely be in my 60's if I'm ever a GP, I would have worked for 45 years, and raised my own ds to hopefully be an independent adult. I did this because I chose to have a child and as an independent adult I made my choices based on my own financial and personal circumstances with no need or expectation of free support from anyone else.

I will have earned my dh and me time, and I'll be disappointed in ds (and his choice of partner) if they have expectations of me providing free childcare or are peeved if I say no I don't want to. I suspect I will dote on my dgc and if I can I will offer, but I don't know for sure how I will feel when the time comes.

The GP's job was to raise their own dc not to have entitled attitudes like this (or have babies with someone who has such an entitled attitude). You do realise your parents are actually real people with their own wants and needs and dreams, not just your parents?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/01/2018 15:35

Dictionary definition = used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions

Had you used the word could there would have been no disagreement at all!

HTH

CottonGoods · 27/01/2018 15:38

I think you have children in the expectation that you (and your OH, assuming there is one - though in my case, there isn't) are the ones who will look after them. If grandparents choose to be involved, that's lovely - but I don't think it can be expected. My parents were early 50s when my children were born (they had us young), and love their grandchildren to bits - but that has never extended to looking after them in any significant way. DM did come up for a few days when DC2 was born, and the DC have stayed with them (individually, not together) for a few days in the holidays; they keep up the relationship by email, letters, etc - but are very much living their own lives, having spent 25+ years looking after their own children. I can see their point!

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 15:40

I know what should means thanks. Smile

I think some you can't read though. Because I also said that 'helping out' doesn't mean providing free childcare.

HTH

Luckily for me my family and inlaws are normal and these issues don't even arise.

dailyshite · 27/01/2018 15:41

Pink, I think you are missing the point about 'should'.

I think a lot of people on here are missing the point. As far as I can see, no one on here has said its great when grandparents want nothing to do with their grandchildren, OP has certainly not said she wants nothing to do with her grandchildren.

What has been said is that sometimes grandparents aren't sitting around scratching their arses and watching Tipping Point. They've worked fucking hard, bringing up a family and working hard to pay for the family's lifestyle and home. Some grandparents are still doing that. Expecting that they 'should' continue to put their own needs and wants to the bottom of the list still (having had a lifetime of that), to look after their grandchildren (and if MN is anything to go by, have their mother bitch about them doing everything wrong) is wrong.

It's perfectly possible to have a good relationship with your family without providing free childcare every week. The 'takes a village' quote doesn't mean it takes a village to care for a child - it just means that the influence comes from all over the place.

EggysMom · 27/01/2018 15:41

There should be no expectation that grandparents become carers and babysitters for their grandchildren.

There should be no expectation that children and/or grandchildren become carers for their own parents as they become old and infirm.

Everything should be done through love and a desire to help. And if that love and desire to help isn't there, there should be no recriminations.

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 15:44

And I didn't use the word could be use I didn't mean could, I meant should.

I stand by what I said, I think grandparents should help out if they can. Just to be clear, by help out I mean emergencies and the odd bit a babysitting NOT hours of free childcare.

Adult children also should not take advantage and take the mick.

dailyshite · 27/01/2018 15:44

Really Pink? Normal?

Are you being deliberately obtuse or are you really that unaware that your values aren't necessarily shared by everyone and therefore your 'normal' is not everyone else?

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 15:46

Who the hell said anything about free childcare every week? I didn't.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/01/2018 15:49

I stand by what I said, I think grandparents are obliged to [should] help out if they can. Just to be clear, by help out I mean emergencies and the odd bit a babysitting NOT hours of free childcare.

Adult children also should are [not] obliged take advantage and take the mick.

Does that help you see how I, and others, read and understand what you typed?

I can see that you may not mean it in that way, but as we only have the written word to go by, that is how your posts were interpreted!

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 15:49

Who said grandparents are sitting on their arses watching tipping point?

Who said they should provide free childcare every week?

Other people can hold whatever values they want.

scoobydooagain · 27/01/2018 15:50

I think some people who post about grandparents are very selfish/jealous. They complain that their sibling gets childcare so they should get the same but don't consider how that affects the GP, yes they might manage 2 days but if all the children get 2 days childcare then they might be expected to do 4 or 6 days, which is alot. My personal view is it would be nice for grandparents to babysit and emergency childcare but not regular, I think that's what I would offer, I find this topic quite interesting possibly as I never really had GPS and my own dc's last GP died when he was 2 and was too unwell to help before then.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/01/2018 15:50

Oh! I got my [ ] and * * in the wrong places... but I hope it is clear enough! Smile

Pinkfluffyhotwaterbottle · 27/01/2018 15:55

I stand by what I say, I see no problem expecting that grandparents will provide a bit of babysitting. Out of love and goodwill. Providing good relationships and circumstances allow.

Yes I think we have obligations to our family.

For example if my mother was elderly and housebound, I feel I would have an obligation to do her shopping, if I could.

I would expect children not to take advantage.

It's ashame that people are twisting what I say to mean that I expect full time childcare, which is never what I've said.

RadioGaGoo · 27/01/2018 15:55

I think it's quite a level opinion. It does work both ways though - GP's shouldn't expect to be able to dictate when and where they see their GC.

OCSockOrphanage · 27/01/2018 15:56

All very well if your family lives close enough to help occasionally. My closest relative is four hours away by car.