RUBU about grandparents?

[Caroelle]

I read this page occasionally and I have been noticing more threads about what is reasonable/ unreasonable behaviour in relation to grandparents.. I am in my mid50s but had my children late, youngest is just 18. I am a social worker and worked throughout their childhood, this was p/t until youngest was 13. My job is stressful and I’m currently working about 50 hours a week, which is exhausting. My children have been n/c with my parents as they are very damaged and damaging people. I am very much looking to be a grandparent at some point. I am also looking forward to retiring and doing the things that my job, and being a parent, has stopped me from doing. For me and DH that is our time. Our bodies are ageing, I know that we get tired more quickly than we did 10 years ago. What comes across on this page quite regularly is that some people seem to assume that grandparents will/ should do anything for their grandchildren, usually to help out the parents. If gps don’t do this, they are considered selfish and inflexible. They seem to have to account for their time, if they aren’t doing something the poster approves of then they are seen as being un-co-operative/ unhelpful. If you are getting free childcare, baby sitters, pick ups from school etc just be grateful. If your children have a loving relationship with other adults, value this. Be grateful for your parents, they have lives and dreams and things that they want to do. They have already brought up one family, hopefully they choose to help and support you but it is not their responsibility to do everything you may think they should do, no matter how much they love you and your children. No doubt that I will get shot down about this. C’est la vie!

There is a difference though between wanting to help out but unable to due to heath, age etc. & not wanting to at all. I would assume the first group of GPs will still try & cultivate a relationship with their GCs be it through letters, Skype, etc.

It’s fair enough too if you don’t want to help out at all but then you can’t complain if your GCs don’t have much of a relationship with you.

I dont recognise anything from your posts. The complaints about gps come usually when
A. Help is promised, and then isnt forthcoming.
B. Siblings and their respective children are given different levels of help and time.
C. Gps ignore parents' wishes which makes things more difficult for ps, and in some cases is abuse - anyone remember the child with the nut allergy being given a walnut whip? Or the child with selective mutism being called a selective asshole?
D. Occassionally I see posts from parents who had an expectation of what family life would be like, but never discussed that with gps. They usually get swiftly told that gps are not obliged to help.

I think should is loaded and expective, it isnt appropriate to use.

If they are happy and willing its nice for their dc but theres no expectation.

Most of the time when ive seen people i know 'expecting' childcare, theyve been spoiled or been raised by martyr parents who are expected to keep giving. Or they arent actually moaning about childcare but about a lack of gp giving a crap, which usually started with the gp not giving much of a crap about their dc in the first place.

On the other hand, when ive heard people moaning about not seeing gc enough or having enough attention from dc its because frankly they dont deserve it and havent put much effort into their dc when kids. Or its because their dc use the gc to try and manipulate the parents.

Thing is every situation is different: that sweet lonely lady could have been a shit mum and worse nan, or she could have the misfortune to have a selfish entitled dc.

But i think should isnt the right word to use.
My parents should provide childcare vs my parents could show an interest in my dc but have told me they arent bothered.
My children should visit me and bring their dc to see me every week vs i never see my dc, they could come but have told me they arent bothered.
Selfish statement of 'i deserve x/y/z' vs 'i wish they would want to see me'.

This doesn't look like mn. Generally someone posts about how flakey or unreliable or even abusive GP are and most replies are to pay for actual childcare.

My mum would provide childcare if she could. I never expected her too, though it was a relief when we both had a bug that she turned up without an ask or anything and took the baby to hers for a bit. I cant say how appreciated it was.

On the other hand much as she loves her mum, my nan was toxic and my mum the scapegoat. My mum felt so much guilt when nan got ill, especially when the golden child started up her manipulations. My nan was lucky my mum is so good and sadly so in the FOG.

I'm a mother of 6, and GM of 4..... so far.

I love my children, and I love my GC.

I don't, however love babysitting.

I'm 45, I still work full time, I still have under 18s at home, and I have a husband who means the world to me.

My youngest is 16, and a smart cookie, so me and DH decide on a whim 'lets go away' and we do. I have hobbies, he has hobbies. And quite frankly we're enjoying life at the moment. Its been a hard 10 years so we're generally relaxing and making the most of improved health and finances.

I won't be dropping it to look after my GC. Contrary to popular belief on here I have a close and loving relationship with them all. They're the cutest Shirley Temple lookalikes you could imagine.

I do babysit.... when it suits me. Sometimes, when appropriate I take them away on our weekends.

There is no 'should'.

As for the 'It takes a village'. Does it bollocks.

There's nothing inflammatory whatsoever about saying that families should help each other out when they can.

It's hit a nerve with certain people because of their own beliefs and personal circumstances.

People can choose to live their lives however they want, there's obviously divided opinion on how much support people feel they ought to offer adult children.

We've had a relative in hospital recently, my siblings and I have ran my mother up and down to the hospital a few times when we could. I didn't enjoy it, we could have just said no, it doesn't suit us, not our problem, you should have learnt to drive. We did it to help out.

Each to their own, if you're happy and content it doesn't matter what a random mumsnetter thinks, op asked for opinions and I gave mine.

It simply is an opinion, not a fact. Though some people seem to believe that their opinions are facts.