RUBU about grandparents?

[Caroelle]

I read this page occasionally and I have been noticing more threads about what is reasonable/ unreasonable behaviour in relation to grandparents.. I am in my mid50s but had my children late, youngest is just 18. I am a social worker and worked throughout their childhood, this was p/t until youngest was 13. My job is stressful and I’m currently working about 50 hours a week, which is exhausting. My children have been n/c with my parents as they are very damaged and damaging people. I am very much looking to be a grandparent at some point. I am also looking forward to retiring and doing the things that my job, and being a parent, has stopped me from doing. For me and DH that is our time. Our bodies are ageing, I know that we get tired more quickly than we did 10 years ago. What comes across on this page quite regularly is that some people seem to assume that grandparents will/ should do anything for their grandchildren, usually to help out the parents. If gps don’t do this, they are considered selfish and inflexible. They seem to have to account for their time, if they aren’t doing something the poster approves of then they are seen as being un-co-operative/ unhelpful. If you are getting free childcare, baby sitters, pick ups from school etc just be grateful. If your children have a loving relationship with other adults, value this. Be grateful for your parents, they have lives and dreams and things that they want to do. They have already brought up one family, hopefully they choose to help and support you but it is not their responsibility to do everything you may think they should do, no matter how much they love you and your children. No doubt that I will get shot down about this. C’est la vie!

*astonishes

Yy I didn’t stop being a parent, when mine got older, dd has dgd now 22mths old I have her two days a week & sometimes more, I actually have her today, as she is not sleeping & dd has an autoimmune illness & can get very ill, if she doesn’t get enough rest.
Dd & I have always had a very close relationship & dgd has if anything brought us closer & I have a truly lovely bond with dgd, I am grateful that I have the time to be able to help my dd & I was thought if I was lucky enough to have grandchildren, I would try & help as much a I could, as my own dm was very hands off & tbh not much of a support.
I did though make her a very young grandmother & I’m not sure she ever really forgave me😃
I suppose those it’s horses for courses, a lot depends on the relationship between parent & adult children, even though dd is an adult she is still my child & if I can I will always try to help & support her.

Lethal drizzle you don't need to put yourself last to help a bit with your grandchildren.

My in laws take the dc for a day out about once every two months, it hardly imposes on their leisure time. My mother who is retired takes my youngest for an hour a week while I do an activity with my other child. She's not obliged and if she can't hats fine, but it hardly stops her from relaxing.

There's no way I wouldn't do the same for my children if I can.

I really value my mums & MILs relationships with my DC.

I agree with you OP; and another point that always irritates me is that some Mumsnetters say that they need to work 'to feel like a real person', 'because work is more stimulating than being at home' etc etc - but what about the grandparents' career ? I could easily be a grandparent as I am 60, but I had my DS late in life so he is still a teenager; I have recently started a new career, I love my job, I wouldn't want to (nor could I afford to) stop working to offer childcare.

Many of my friends are grandparents and some do provide childcare but nearly all of them quietly resent it - but daren't say anything because they don't want to fall out with their children or DIL/SIL - I think that is really sad.

I honestly hope that my DS moves away if/when he has a family so that there is no expectation of childcare 'on tap' - evening babysitting and helping in emergencies is of course different.

And no, of course I didn't expect my own parents or ILs to offer childcare, as it was we lived over 250 miles away.

The way I've always thought about it is that things shouldn't get to a point where there's a sense of entitlement. E.g. DM shouldn't feel like she's entitled to visit on such and such day, but obviously it's nice if she's invited. Similarly I shouldn't feel like I'm entitled to have DM babysit for such and such event, but again appreciated if she can.

YABU - back in ye olden days when extended families still lived close to one another everyone pitched in. I personally believe the high rates of PND are because of the isolation of mothers once they’ve had children and their husbands have gone back t work.

Back when aunts, uncles and - yes grandparents - would have been in and out of each other’s houses, when there would have been someone always on hand to cuddle the baby while you cook or vice versa, I’m sure there was much less PND.

And as a pp pointed out, how do you square your stance with your kids having to look after you when you’re older?

Yes I'm definitely not intending to be childcare on tap when I'm a gp. I'll be drinking sherry and living it up.

I am really looking forward to having GC, and would want the relationship with them that I had with my gps. Having said that my mother dumped me on them as often as possible. My MiL was brilliant, never criticised us and took great joy in her gc. My mother took my niece to have her hair cut without telling my sister, so I know that some gps are a nightmare. It’s about respect from all generations, no ‘should’ and ‘must’.

My parents have never looked after my children, my fil has but really only in an emergency.
And the one time he did look after the children when husband and I did go out for a meal we were told we had an hour!
No I dont think grandparents should have to look after their grandchildren.
But It would be nice if they wanted to now and again.
I know when im a grandparent I will do what I could to help my children out.

Holdonasecond I've just read your post, what are you talking about?

It isn't like that for most people at all, I on the whole have good relationships with relatives, neighbours, friends and teachers. Sure people have ups and downs and disagreements, like people ALWAYS have. I still remember my mum showing me how to bathe my first born.

Like I said, some people, bitter and twisted.

My grandmother helped out lots with her dd's kids (including me) both by doing childcare and financially and when she got older and sick, my mum and dad topped up her care financially and mum looked after so she could stay at home.

My mum now helps out a lot with my ds and is, in fact, about to move in for three weeks before the birth of dd as I have pregnancy complications.

Equally, I have dropped everything and rushed home to help when mum and dad had problems.

To me, that is just how family is meant to work. No-one is entitled to help, we just want to help each other as much as possible.

I think having GPs looking after grandchildren will change in the future.

My parents and ILs are in their 70s, they had DH and I relatively 'late' compared to other parents at the time. My friends with young children have parents who are generally in their 50s as it was less common in the past to have children in your late 30s. I remember a woman at a toddler group telling me about her grandma who was younger than my own mother.

This is no longer the case, and more and more people are having children later than in previous generations. Assuming those children also go on to have children in their 30s, the grandparents will be older than they are now.

Our parents do spend time with our children, just not as much as some other grandparents. I'm not able to rely on our parents to provide regular childcare in order for me to work a regular job and that's fine. They have their own lives and their own issues that make it not possible to do so.

But isn't it lovely when grandparents WANT to help out and form a great relationship with grandchildren? For a lot of posters where GPS won't help I think they are often just sad at the lack of relationship.

To be fair everyone I know that has become a grandparent absolutely cherishes their grandchildren and personally I’m looking forward to having grandchildren to spoil (I’m only in my 30s though so a way off yet). Not all people are like this though. My mum isn’t bothered at all and will babysit if asked but will always have a think about excuses first lol. My dad though loves the children a lot and will always fall over himself to look after them. Over the years my mil has grown to enjoy the eldests company though and likes her to sleep over on a Saturday. I think most people once their grandchildren come along, (although they possibly didn’t want to initially) when they grow to love their grandchildren they want to be around them? Hope that makes sense.

I wonder, all the people who don't like the word should.

If you had an elderly neighbour, should you offer to get them some bread and milk if you're going to the shops?

If someone's shopping bag splits, should you help them to pick it up?

I don't see why we shouldn't help others if we can.

None of those scenarios are equivalent! And again, all of them are a matter of choice... not obligation.

There is a very good reason not to help others if I can... I do not always want to!

For very many reasons, all of which are entirely reasonable.

TBH you're the social worker I hope I never have to meet professionally. You see the societal breakdowns, within family context. The elderly, alone. Usually the judgement call would be on the children leaving their parents to rot. Some parents though, rather than lending a hand would (to quote you) (sic) rather follow their hopes and dreams than lend a hand. That's fine, but don't expect your children to be run ragged bringing up their own family AND sorting out granny day care.

Everything in life is a compromise.

Of all professions, you should know that.

Pink - I think there is a huge difference between being kind and helpful vs: the sense of 'entitlement' that sometimes (not always) exists regarding expecting DGPs to provide childcare.

All GPs are different. The 4 GPs my kids have clearly don't give a stuff about my DC, so I'm happy to see them once in a blue moon. I have never expected any help. My DParents' lives and dreams seem to centre around sitting on their arses watching TV. Whenever they do visit they act as though they are the most amazing GP in the world: all they do is sit on the sofa and watch the kids, they don't interact with them at all. My DM made it quite clear to me many years ago that she would not look after my DC as she had 'done her bit' with me and my DSis. If my DC have children then I would hope to help them out wherever possible. My DC are lovely kids and it amazes me that 2 sets of GP, who freely tell others how lovely it is being a GP, how they adore the GC, are happy to see them 1-2 times a month - in MIL's case for 40 minutes. and her OH (not DH's DF) doesn't bother at all: in fact he hasn't seen DS1 since May.

Selfishness then.

You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do, but turning your back on perfectly normal family relationships is odd at best and at worst selfish.

New year - so it's ok for the grand parents to be run ragged? Surely they've already done their bottom wiping duties!

So depressing to read all this entitlement and tit for tat accounting of who looks after who. Grandparents and parents are only to be 'cared for in old age' IF they pay by babysitting? Really? FFS how totally fucking disfunctional.

If you regard your parents and grandparents in this way then I hope for their sake that you go NC. Go and play your entitled games with someone else.

I think you may be projecting something there, pink

All I am saying is that if/when I do a nice, helpful thing it will always be done out of choice. When people insist or expect that I will put myself out for them I tend to tell them to fuck off!

That level of expectation is selfish!