To ask about the advantages of private school?

[longestlurkerever]

This is probably going to come across badly, but I'm interested in hearing people's opinions. I went to a middle of the road state school and then Oxford. I came away with a first class law degree and a training contract at a magic circle law firm. Although I didn't especially enjoy secondary school, I suppose I've always thought that it did the trick and my dds wouldn't lose anything if they had the same education as me. Recently though I've been working through some stuff with the help of a leadership course at work and realise that, even once you bag the job, there are an awful lot of unwritten rules that I am not sure I am fully understand - how to network effectively, how to have authority in senior meetings and just generally how to go through life feeling assured and confident and have been wondering if this is what private schooling is really all about? I still am not sure I'd choose private school for my dds even if it is, and would have to make some tough decisions to afford it anyway, but I am interested in what the benefits are so I can weigh them up.

I suspect that is as much about connections though. I remember meeting a man who said every job he had ever got was through connections.

My two dd both went to private school - dd1 is a genius, and while she got all A*s at GCSE and A-level, I think she would have done anywhere.

Dd2 though, while she's reasonably bright, is far less motivated and 'exceptional' then dd1, yet at the private school achieved 8A*s and 2As in her GCSEs (though admittedly her sister did end up writing her English literature and history coursework for her). I think she'd have fallen under the radar at a state school, so I'm really glad we sent her private.

Dd1 has some friends from outside of school who go to state schools, who I have always thought were very clever, probably naturally cleverer than dd2, yet none of them did as well as dd2 in their GCSEs - they al got about 3A*s, 6 or 7 As and 2-3 Bs. I think they would have done better at my dd's school.

PQ. Interesting. I actually switched out of the city into public sector and that was definitely the right choice for me but what you say is directly relevant to how I feel about my career just now. I recently got back in touch with an old tutor and he said some things that made me wonder if I was underselling myself.

Sutton Trust on private schools

I went to private and onto university, DH state and started work in the City at 18 instead of going to University. We both now have City careers, he earns slightly more than me but mainly as a result of my going part time after having DC.

We had long conversations about state v private, he was quite anti private as he had done well without. However when we went to look at schools he quickly realised the facilities and extra curricular activities available at private far out weighted those at our local state schools, and the confidence of the 8 year olds showing us round their school was staggering.

For me, having gone to an all girls school, their ethos that girls should work hard and achieve their best to give them the choice to do what they wanted as adults was priceless. So choose to be a lawyer, an athlete, a SAHM, an entrepreneur, a teacher, an artist or musician but ensure you give yourself choice to allow you to be happy and fulfilled.

That's stuck with me.

I moved to private school aged 8 and by all accounts did remarkably well. I think it depends on the child as much as the school. I needed the attention and support of a smaller class. I went from bottom of the class to a full scholarship, top A levels and four offers for medical school.
Other children in my school really rebelled against the tight-knit environment and would have done far better in a decent state school imo.
I have a confidence and ease in social situations that my mum says she always lacked despite doing well academically. She attributes this to my schooling although my dad is fairly similar so it’s hard to know!
DH and I plan to send our children to private school if we can.
On the other hand, DH never went to a state school and now is a solicitor (could potentially be a colleague of yours!). I do find that he had very little understanding of what other people’s lives are really like and I worry about our children having a very blinkered view of the world if they follow the same path.

what PQ said. I went to one of those charmed, excellent, world famous private schools and it did just what it was meant to. I'm no genius but I got excellent grades, and came out with the confidence to not only walk into jobs and never to consider myself anything less than capable of doing them, and also to regularly negotiate improved terms. I got to hang out in a few castles / statelies but no longer do, although people I was at school with live in them. Oddly, despite the incredible quality of the education, many of my peers never worked, which is bizarre to me as the place also gave me an excellent work ethic. I come from a humble immigrant background and there's no way I'd have got where I did without the school.

Mine are currently private but don't know what I'll do for senior school as we're in a super selective grammar area - in theory amazing, but 32 in a class and a fight to get access to extras

DS1 went to private 6th form. I do think he may have done as well grade wise in the state sector (VERY good state 6th forms round here), but the pastoral care and the help with uni admissions was incredible and I'm not sure without that he would have ended up on the course he's on now (recognised as one of the best). He's confident enough, but certainly doesn't put himself out there.

I have done pretty well in my profession, but do think I would have had a better uni education if I'd been educated privately - the state 6th form I went to wasn't up to much really.

One thing to consider when deciding is local friendships. At a private school it's more likely the kids are travelling in from lots of different areas so playdates/meeting up takes more arranging. Of course your children may have both local friends and school friends depending on their ages.

My family moved to a new area and I started a new private school 10 miles away. I was 14 and never made any local friends at all which made me feel lonely sometimes as I couldn't see school friends without planning in advance and relying on my parents for transport.

My DS moved from a non-selective prep to one of the good grammars this September. TBH it really is a bit rubbish and we're regretting the move.

There's too many children in the class and their behaviour is poor. Non-academic subjects are just not taught, there's no DT, drama, food tech (basically all the subjects he enjoys). There's so few PE teachers so only the very best get to play in matches, extra-curricular stuff is very basic. Teaching seems okay, when the children are behaving, but it suffers from lack of funds, science the other day was one microscope between 5 children.

Its seems a little better than my dire comp, but not much. We're looking at moving him for year 9 (unfortunately the top schools don't like to take them mid-year), so we're stuck with what we have at the moment plus probably a tutor for the first time to get him up to the required standard.

OP - if you can afford it, I really would go privately.

You certainly get the accent, and the old boys network from a private school. At our local private girls school the very first thing you have to pay for is a lifetime membership of the old girls club. I heard an education expert on the Today programme a while back who said that home background is far more important than school in predicting how well a child will do - a child from a well motivated, supportive, ambitious home will do well regardless of the school. My opinion is that it's not worth the cost. We would spend in the region of £150k to put DD through the private girls school. I reckon that we can pay for any extra curricular activities and extra tuition that she might need in the state school for a tiny fraction of that.

In theory it’s because no child will be left behind in a private school, in state schools you will find that teachers will put effort into the charming/pleasant to look at/easy to control ones and the ones who cause any stir will be left behind until they’re behind for good and too difficult to rectify. Downward spiral.
We’ve done both and eventually figured that home education coupled with Home ed groups and tutors was the most successful way to go about it all

I went to private school and have just put down DD's name to start at one in a year or two. Main reasons being:

• at the primary level, the grounds, facilities and lessons on offer just look better (and we are very spoiled around here with some truly excellent state primaries). Plus the classes are much smaller.

For secondary - I think for me the difference was that it was expected that we would be academic and go on to good careers. It was ok to do well, and all my friends from school are now bankers, doctors, lawyers etc. A couple of friends at state schools got badly bullied for being bright (one poor girl pulled out all her hair with stress ); it simply wasn't seen as cool, and the kids who cared about results paid the price.

BUT those are just my experiences. Every single person will have a different answer. The bottom line is, it depends on the child, and it depends on the school. No point putting a square peg in a round hole. So for secondary we will see what DD's personality and academics are like and then decide which school from there.

The advantages of private school tend to rely on connections deeper than being able to afford the fees.

I went to a state school myself (but grammar) and have taught in quite a lot of state secondaries and 2 private schools. If I could afford to send my dc to a private school, I would. Mostly because although my dc are likely to do well in school because they are able and motivated, I'm fed up with hearing about how often dd's lessons are disrupted by bad behaviour. I know not all private schools have universally well-behaved students, but in my teaching experience the difference has been absolutely huge.

This

I do think that the top public schools tend to produce pupils who are better at the kind of things you are talking about BUT often that's because those pupils come from families who are better at those things anyway.

I have met very many people who went to Eton and Harrow and all the top public schools. Some of them were on scholarships and come from working class backgrounds, the majority come from well to do families. And there's a massive difference in their confidence levels. The posh ones have grown up thinking it's normal to go to black tie events as teenagers and to know they can do work experience at 16 in some amazing company run by their Dad's friend. They go on skiing holidays at 6. It's the family background as much as the school, though of course they go hand in hand. Growing up wealthy and upper middle class has a big effect on confidence.

Both of my nephews went to a private school. Neither of them has come out any better off than their parents of myself and DH - all of whom attended middle of the road state secondaries.

Honestly, the only thing they have that they wouldn't have got at a decent state secondary is a grade B in GCSE Latin. This far, I have survived for 31 years, very successfully without a GCSE in Latin so I'm not sure it was worth it!

I absolutely loved my time at secondary school and did very well there. Went on to be successful at sixth form and university.

If course, it depends on the school but many state schools provide a great experience for their pupils.

StinkPickle

I'm not normally a bitch (on Mn or in RL) but...wow! You might have forked out for your three DCs to go to private school, and good for you, but I bet the fact that you can't spell, or use grammar correctly, sticks out like a sore thumb when you're doing your volunteering, eh?

We are in the north of England. Depends school to school tho I’m sure.

And your comment about Call of Duty is both inflammatory and ridiculous!

Personally, I think there are different types of private school. There are the ones steeped in traditions where the same families have attended for generations, and then there are some that are very ethnically diverse where the parents tend to be professionals who have done well for themselves, rather than inheriting wealth.

I once heard a teacher at my dds' school say that the kids there were rich, but they weren't posh. Personally, I think that's a much better experience for the children growing up - a lot of parents are working really hard to send their kids there, and live in quite small houses, so while the kids are privileged, they're not landed estate titled privileged.

I think bad private schools are a lot worse than good state schools. But fundamentally I object to them ideologically so our kids won’t/don’t go to private schools. I am privately educated so I appreciate this makes me slightly hypocritical.

I have had two children go through the state system and now have my youngest in private. The difference is startling to be honest! The youngest has so many more opportunities, his confidence and the way he speaks is amazing for his age. It’s not just about academic achievement, it’s about the opportunities and the ethos. The head teacher greets every child personally at the gate each morning. From the age of 4 the children are expected to shake adults hands and speak clearly whilst looking at them. It might sound trivial but those sort of social skills make a difference.

Obviously all private schools will have their pros and cons, and it’s vital to do the research before committing.

For me, the appeal of sending DS private was down to the small class sizes; breadth of curriculum, including amazing sports & arts programmes; no SATS; and the desire for him to experience the confidence & self-belief which seems to come with private education. He is the only person to have gone private from either of our families & despite their initial misgivings, my state-school teacher in-laws support our decision. We all just wish all children could benefit from such privilege.
I struggle massively with my choice as it does not reflect my political or social ideology. I accept I am a total hypocrite; but I think my DS's education is amazing.

What if OP went to a snobby private school but ended up a carpenter or barmaid?
Then she still wouldn't know "the social rules" of her chosen profession and social contacts. I don't see how private would be an advantage, then.

Capn - presumably that wasn't your choice though, so a bit harsh to call yourself hypocritical!