AIBU to be disappointed that a man made this assumption?

[Soullesstrader]

I work on a freelance basis in an industry that is generally forward thinking and innovative, but still largely male dominated at the senior level. I am at a senior level myself.

Today I was talking to a man at work - similar age, similar experience (I know his, he doesn't know mine), similar level. We were discussing what my next role might be and he started talking to me about how to find roles at a much more junior level - we're talking about jobs paying half my salary and requiring a quarter of my experience.

I can only assume that based on my gender and the fact I'm a single mother (he does know this about me as I told him) he had assumed he was far more senior than me.

AIBU to be shocked and really disappointed?

And no, I didn't say anything. I just smiled politely in the knowledge he will soon discover his mistake.

jcyclops it was a conversation during which it came up that my contract was coming to an end. He asked what I would be doing next and I told him I have a few options and I haven't confirmed anything yet. He then started volunteering information about how to come by the kind of role he assumed I was looking for. To be honest I didn't ask for, expect or need any input from him.

I feel a bit sorry for this man! He's made an error of judgement and I really do think you might have corrected him at the time. He might have been confusing you with someone else, or not wanted to make assumptions about where you were on the company ladder - is that so terrible? If he subsequently asks why you didn't say something, what will you say in response?

I've always wondered if people who've been subject to this kind of 'assumption' reflect on assumptions they make about other people when they first meet them.

Yes it happens and it comes from both men and other women. Two examples

Straight out of university (many years ago) I took my cv to a local agency specialising in my (male dominated) field. I was greeted by a woman who opened the door, said "Oh no dear, we don't do secretarial" and shut the door.
And after 20+ years of experience I still found that when speaking to suppliers etc a lot of men in particular assumed I when I gave my job description of XXX Manager that I just managed them and needed all the technical stuff explaining, rather than being an actual hands on expert who happens to do the managerial bit too.

*My friend is a senior manager within an accountancy firm.

On her first day, someone assumed she was the new 'admin girl' and was thoroughly embarrassed when he realised she was senior to him!*

Very similar. I went in for a handover meeting before I started. A young man started talking and asked if I was here for an interview. I replied "Actually I start on Monday. I'm just here for a meeting". He assumed that i was replacing his PA who was leaving that day. I didn't correct him. He told me how he liked his coffee, what he expected of his PA and explained why he hadn't been part of the interview process. The look on his face when I was introduced to him on Monday as his boss was priceless

If he didn't want to make assumptions about where OP was on the company ladder Katherine, he wouldn't have been making suggestions of only junior roles (or indeed only senior roles, or only accountant roles, or only HR roles or whatever). Doing so, without anything from OP to justify it and without him asking for further information, reflects an assumption on his part.

Additionally, OP says she's visibly 40ish and there are very few women in her sector older than 20s and 30s. She also says that of those 40 something women who are there, few are in junior roles.That further reduces the possibility of him confusing her for someone else, since there are few 40 something women in junior roles around. So it seems fairly unlikely.

Personally I think this gentleman is very lucky. So many people he's never even met willing to come up with ever more far fetched theories to defend him against a charge of sexism. Such support!

He’s a prick and I hope you corrected him

Soulless I commented on a previous thread re: misogyny in the workplace and height. I’m nigh on 6 foot and have to say that I’ve rarely experienced any of the comments that others have. I truly believe that it’s due to me being at the same height or taller (in many cases) than every man who may have otherwise tried. It takes more ‘balls’ I feel to look at a woman on the same level and try to belittle her.

....and if could spell Souless

....that would help.

Much much better to say nothing. When he finds out he'll feel such a dick.

The worm slowly begins to turn
www.bbc.co.uk/sport/darts/42841620

Much much better to say nothing.

I disagree. We've shut up about it for too long.
It's possible to clarify misunderstandings without being aggressive or PA.

I haven't seen whether the OP is young looking or not. This could be the problem, rather than gender.
My friend is a head of a teaching department in her school and is in her 30s but looks much younger. Last year a parent - at an event with 6th Form volunteers - asked her if she was enjoying her A Levels.

OP says she's in her 40s and looks 40ish minimum.

Surprised you didn’t laugh in his face and say I don’t think so! I don’t think I would’ve been able to stop myself and would probably have asked why would you think i’d be looking for a demotion and a pay cut and kept going until he explained.
I do work in an extremely female dominated area of my industry and some women change careers and move into this area later on in life so I could never presume a persons position on their sex and age, but we’re a friendly bunch so it would come up easily in conversation.

@Lweji

I take your point. I've learned over the years to choose my battles - and something like this , which is so obviously going to become clear without a battle/words , wouldn't be worth the bother , for me,

Princess - why on earth would this be a “battle”?! You just correct him politely. No battle, no drama. However in my view you do say something! Women have been silenced for too long.

I’m nigh on 6 foot and have to say that I’ve rarely experienced any of the comments that others have. I truly believe that it’s due to me being at the same height or taller (in many cases) than every man who may have otherwise tried.

Well that is very interesting, and I wonder if any studies have been done on this. I haven’t heard of any, so maybe there should be!

I'm short and look young and always have these kind of assumptions made about me.
It's highly infuriating.

I'm certainly becoming more assertive in this respect. Particularly when dealing with cockerel behaviour in meetings.

Shasta you need to read up on feminism.

Of course it was sexist. OP I can understand why you were too taken aback to put him straight and I love the linkedin idea. I'd add a message reminding him of your conversation.