To think husbands (or indeed wives) cannot be 'stolen'

[VladmirsPoutine]

I was thinking about this earlier. Many many years ago I was married to a man I was wholly in love with, he destroyed our marriage by taking off with an OW. I of course went through the obvious emotions but can happily say I'm out the other side and we have somewhat of a cordial relationship these days. (Thankfully no dc and nothing else that required us to keep in touch).

However, I don't like to think that OW 'stole' my husband; as a self-governing autonomous individual he made his choice. He did later say that he regretted this as the grass apparently wasn't greener but that's not the point of this thread. I was thinking about Geri Horner and a lot of the discussion at the time of her being a 'husband stealer' similarly to the stories regarding Kristina Rihanoff.

I just don't buy the narrative that men somehow accidentally find themselves being subdued by seemingly exotic fruit and can't contain themselves.

I carry no resentment toward other-women and often feel sorry for them if they have fallen for 'the script' but the buck stops with one's husband. Regardless of the state of the marriage. He chose to break the vows and therein lies the issue.

I think it's completely normal and understandable and quite right to blame both ow / om and the partner who left for the devastation they both caused, often very willingly and knowingly. Let's not forget that the only ones who truly suffer from their actions are the kids and partners left behind.

They both did the crime and they are both responsible for their actions.

But they didn’t, though, did they. One had consensual sex with another adult, the other broke their marriage vows.

Would 'fucking Scottish dancer' be ok - or 'fucking Essex dancer' etc

life I meant that she was being an utter snob about Russian women who dance for a living. It’s like saying “he left me for a checkout girl from a council estate”

lethal no. See my following post

It might be derailing the thread a bit, but does cheating tend to follow a pattern if the man or woman doing all the chasing had a dad or a mum that also had an affair?
I know of two cases where the woman ( an old friend of mine) had a dad who left her mum when was 13. Her mum was completely broken , he left her for another woman. This girl seemed to follow the same when she became an adult, meeting married men, pursuing them, having numerous affairs ( two men left their wives for her) - she is now with somebody who has been married twice before, although he had been divorced for years before they met. She finally seems settled and happy, but he won't marry her.
Another one I knew of at work met an ' old flame' and they broke up two families to be together. Her dad left her mum when she was under a year old, for another woman. Maybe its so entrenched that this might be seen ' as normal behaviour' because it happened to them when they were children? I agree that people ' cant be stolen' but some people can be very manipulative and ' get what they want' at any cost - maybe because it happened to them when they were younger and they just do not see it as 'wrong'?

About 20 years ago (when I was young and naive) I was pursued by a man who turned out to be married but I didn't know this to begin with and didn't know anyone in his life (met in a bar).

When he did tell me he was married (about three dates in) he told me that he and his wife were:

1. separated

then over time

1. they lived in the same house but at opposite ends

then

1. he was moving into his friend's flat

then

1. he wasn't moving into his friend's flat just yet, he was struggling to leave because one of his children had learning difficulties

but

1. he took cocaine on his way home from work to cope with being at home as he was so unhappy
2. he had considered faking his own death
3. he had never felt how he felt with anyone else as he did with me

etc etc

Needless to say I had fallen in love with him before point number 2. so felt, incredibly naively looking back on it, that I should stay around and wait for a while.

If only mumsnet had been around then and The Script had been well known.

The point of all of this is I don't feel good about what happened and it completely fucked my life up for a while but I find it hard to say 'yes it was my fault' because I had no idea what I was getting into until I was into it.

I think this is probably true of 90 per cent of affairs.

I also think men are the pursuers in about 90 per cent of affairs.

Sometimes I think marriage should be abolished. It seems to imply ownership of another human being, which is demeaning to both parties in the relationship.

As I said earlier, marriage (or any adult relationship between two people) necessitates mutual commitment to that relationship. If the commitment wanes or dies, the trust will likely be broken. Then innocent people, especially children, are harmed.

I also think men are the pursuers in about 90 per cent of affairs.

I agree. Try telling their wives that, though.

Some pop survey a few years back came up with the somewhat startling figure of 7/10 men saying that they would cheat on their partners if they thought they could get away with it.
I think that the women's figure was a bit lower, at around 56% or thereabouts?, but still more than half of women too.

So yes, it's probably fair to say that men may instigate more extramarital liaisons than women, but I wouldn't necessarily put it at 90%.

I work in a very female heavy world - the men are pursued relentlessly and yes some are like children with their hand sin the candy jar.

I can sit back and watch and to be honest - the conversations are about how his DP/DW do not deserve them and they will never know.

Still the males choice ot cheat but seriously men and women equal

Agree Vladmirs, I've always had this opinion and my circumstances sound similar to yours.

Nobody can 'steal' another person, they ALWAYS want to go there. If they didn't, there's not a man/woman in the world who could convince them otherwise.

I remember reading a study about the single biggest reason for men cheating. It wasn't being unhappy, it was having the opportunity to do so.

Exactly. And the opportunity is a woman who doesn't care that he is in a relationship and will have him anyway.

I've got mixed feelings about this. My DP had this woman at work who despite knowing me kept on telling him how much she loved him and how she wanted to be with him. He told me, nothing happened and she finally gave up.

I'd met her a few times, she knew we were together and still did that

So no, he couldn't be stolen but some woman (and men) really do try their best to 'steal' someone despite knowing they've got a partner and I find that disgusting.