To think husbands (or indeed wives) cannot be 'stolen'

[VladmirsPoutine]

I was thinking about this earlier. Many many years ago I was married to a man I was wholly in love with, he destroyed our marriage by taking off with an OW. I of course went through the obvious emotions but can happily say I'm out the other side and we have somewhat of a cordial relationship these days. (Thankfully no dc and nothing else that required us to keep in touch).

However, I don't like to think that OW 'stole' my husband; as a self-governing autonomous individual he made his choice. He did later say that he regretted this as the grass apparently wasn't greener but that's not the point of this thread. I was thinking about Geri Horner and a lot of the discussion at the time of her being a 'husband stealer' similarly to the stories regarding Kristina Rihanoff.

I just don't buy the narrative that men somehow accidentally find themselves being subdued by seemingly exotic fruit and can't contain themselves.

I carry no resentment toward other-women and often feel sorry for them if they have fallen for 'the script' but the buck stops with one's husband. Regardless of the state of the marriage. He chose to break the vows and therein lies the issue.

I'll hate them both.

I’ve been cheated on before and I completely blamed my partner, we had been together for 3 years but didn’t live together so if he’d wanted to leave me he could have done it easily but he wanted to cheat. I never even considered the OW at all, as far as I’m concerned he was the one in the wrong, she had no obligation to me.

Personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with showing an interest in someone who’s already in a relationship, they’re free to tell you they’re not interested and if they are interested then it’s their responsibility to end their relationship.

Yanbu at all, but I don't have any respect for someone who has a relationship someone who already has a partner.

Funny hoe Gerri Horner was single,he on the other hand was not and she is still seen as the bad one

whether we like it or not she was single he was not and what the hell did she do to him to leave his partner??

Agreed. I actually think Christian Horner (quite rightly) came across as a proper dick post this scandal. He’s the one who abandoned his pregnant wife.

However, I don’t think we can minimize the part the OW or OM plays. They are the ones who agree to be in a relationship knowing the person they’re fucking is cheating. They are effectively saying, whether in words or actions, that cheating is okay hence the reason why many go on to get cheated on themselves. When you agree with your partner cheating once, you really shouldn’t be surprised when they do it again.

I fully agree.
Even if the woman has been trying to pursue him for months and has been very insistent, the man could have say NO.
I mean we’ve all had this thing where one person has ‘fallen in love with us’ is pursuing us but we are all capable of saying NO if we don’t fancy them!
Saying that if the woman is pursuing a man and he finally says YES the. It’s her fault is making the man someone ... well... let’s say not very strong and very easily manipulated.

I also think that some people are very good at faking a happy relationship, not allowing the person they are with to know that they are unhappy and looking for a way out. So yes, there can be people who are taken completely by surprise and shock when their DP walks out.

I would say that a spouse cannot be stolen but that someone can certainly try to steal them.
At the any of the day the husband has the final say as to whether or not he responds to the advances of the OW but that doesn't mean that she doesn't share some of the responsibility for making these advances towards a man she knows is married.

Husbands are like cats imo. Happy at home while the focus is on them, and they really getting spoilt with offerings, sex for him +food for cat =until they are tempted away by a neighbour with tastier snacks (or friend /neighbour with tastier sexual appetite for the dh) nobody makes them go, they just have no willpower or sense of loyalty.

Personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with showing an interest in someone who’s already in a relationship, Why? Seriously, why would anyone do that knowingly?

As for the oart an OW or OM is playing, I think they are ply8ng a part in their own relationhsip with the man/woman and it’s sets the relationhsip ‘all wrong’ if that makes sense.
I dint think they have any role in the relationship between the man/woman and their partner. Thats an issue with the cheater and its partner. Making a third person responsible, even partially, is, IMO taking away some responsibility from the cheater (and his partner when, for example, the partner has been treating them like shit)

Totally agree.
It's making the other person seem like an object that can be taken away. They make their own choices.

CATS!! You obviously have a very low opinion of men... maybe higher standards are required?

Then again, I also know some women like that

I think some of the attraction that the OW/OM have is that they make it easier to leave & you don’t always have to fully deal with the consequences of walking away.
If your going through a bad patch in your marriage you might think let’s try counselling etc as the alternative is loneliness, lack of money. However if someone is offering you an alternative walking away is a lot more attractive.

I agree with you 100% OP. the ONLY person responsible for cheating on their marriag/relationship, is the person in that relationship. It doesn't matter if someone pursues you for a hundred years, you still have the choice to say no.

From within a happy relationship they all sound like aspect of The Script, but I have no doubt some people sell them / believe them well.

I think the idea of a happy marriage in this context is quite interesting. If a person is prepared to cheat it can't be a happy marriage, or at the very least there's something fundamentally wrong within it. Even the other spouse being unaware of the cheaters intentions is a show of that, as the cheat isn't honest and communicating about their feelings to try and resolve any dissatisfaction before it goes too far.

I think people are often lured away. Especially at a vulnerable time, whether that’s due to young kids, aging or illness.

I am on the fence with this one. However, I think if you are prepared to pursue and enter a relationship with a man you know to be married, then you are equally to blame. My ex-h left me for OW (somebody I knew). I now believe she had been the OW on and off throughout our marriage and when her husband was killed in an RTA, ex-h was there being all "helpful and supportive" (OW's words to me). However, she subsequently issued him with an ultimatum to leave me and "cut us off completely" despite knowing full well that I was suffering from severe PND, that our 2 year old was undergoing diagnosis for autism and my eldest child was suffering with an eating disorder brought on my bullying. That makes her an utter cunt in my eyes. Her behaviour towards me over the last 4.5 years has been disgusting. She's thoroughly enjoyed wrecking my family. However, she has no idea she did me the biggest favour and how much happier we all are without him in our lives. On the other side, I am fully aware of the lies my ex-h has told her about me and she has no reason not to believe him I guess. If she hasn't realised he is a pathological liar by now, then she deserves everything she gets. I feel very strongly that in my situation they are both equally to blame.

What a load of crap about Geri. Chasing him, really?

What would you do yourself, if you were chased?

I personally would never ever go near someone who had a pregnant partner so I guess thats why the likes of Geri are judged.

I think the idea of a happy marriage in this context is quite interesting. But I don't want to live forever doubting DH, or myself. So 'happy marriage' is always the from the perspective of a happily married person!

As I said, I am naïve enough (happily married for almost 30 years) to think that both of us would fess up and leave before embarking upon an affair.

Yes, I know that won't be how it happens - but as yet I have no reason t think it will happen.

Isn't that sort of "Ignorance is Bliss" how we all live? I can't imagine living in a constant state if suspicion. That in itself is a sign that something is wrong within a relationship!

Whilst I agree with you OP, there can also be malicious intent on the part of the OW or OM. My DF left us when I was six, for my DM's supposed 'best friend'. This woman was always at our house, she and her 'D'H and DC went on holiday with us, she and my DM were always on the phone to one another. She knew our family intimately (far TOO intimately, as it turns out). So while she did not 'steal' my DF, he chose to leave us for her, what she was complicit in was malicious and selfish and I will never fully forgive either of them.

Funny hoe Gerri Horner was single
@Springiscoming123 That might just be one of the best relevant typos I've come across!

Yes, I totally agree with you. Your husband took the vows.

I agree that spouses can't be stolen unless they choose to go - but that doesn't stop some external types from pursuing said spouses avidly in some cases!
I had a client once whose husband had been avidly pursued by his junior partner at work - and he caved under the pressure. My client was unimpressed with his weakness (to say the least!) but did feel that he wouldn't have looked elsewhere if it hadn't been offered up to him in the way it was. She can't know that, of course, but their marriage had been a happy one until the entrance of this woman onto the scene, so who knows.

In the end though, absolutely the buck stops with the spouse/partner who is unfaithful, of course it does.