To think husbands (or indeed wives) cannot be 'stolen'

[VladmirsPoutine]

I was thinking about this earlier. Many many years ago I was married to a man I was wholly in love with, he destroyed our marriage by taking off with an OW. I of course went through the obvious emotions but can happily say I'm out the other side and we have somewhat of a cordial relationship these days. (Thankfully no dc and nothing else that required us to keep in touch).

However, I don't like to think that OW 'stole' my husband; as a self-governing autonomous individual he made his choice. He did later say that he regretted this as the grass apparently wasn't greener but that's not the point of this thread. I was thinking about Geri Horner and a lot of the discussion at the time of her being a 'husband stealer' similarly to the stories regarding Kristina Rihanoff.

I just don't buy the narrative that men somehow accidentally find themselves being subdued by seemingly exotic fruit and can't contain themselves.

I carry no resentment toward other-women and often feel sorry for them if they have fallen for 'the script' but the buck stops with one's husband. Regardless of the state of the marriage. He chose to break the vows and therein lies the issue.

YANBU, it takes two to tango. You can't 'steal' someone from someone else (unless you're literally kidnapping them obviously) as adults they are fully capable of making their own choices.

People make the choice to cheat.

Not as such but I do believe if the person making overtones towards someone.in a marriage is relentless, constantly flattering etc then they can be worn down esp if marriage is going through tough patch or a dip.

These poor blokes all ‘caving under pressure’.

I agree that the husband is responsible for his relationship and is the treacherous one in terms of an affair. But, the OW is not blameless if she KNOWS that the man is married or in a relationship. Going after another woman's husband knowing that you could destroy someone's life as a result is really really low - especially if you know there are children involved for example. I would never ever knowingly go with somebody who was already taken. So, yes the husband is more to blame, but the OW is not blameless. Not at all. This is especially true if the OW knows the wife and most especially if they are friendly with each other.

Relationships break down when an individuals needs are not being met - be that physical or emotional. Happy marriages don't suddently fall apart. If you arent going to communicate and nurture your relationship, then it's no surprise when one party looks else where.

Anyone that says it happened out of the blue clearly wasnt reading the unhappy signals their partner was giving off. No communication.

But grooming isn't all about manipulating children, adults can be groomed too.

It's true they can't be stolen. But that doesn't fit with the shedevil narrative that women are all bad and men are innocent victims.
Having said that, I did have a friend who was constantly trying to start things up with taken and married men. The committed ones didn't respond, though.

Funny how if a single man has an affair with a married woman he's not a 'wife stealer' isn't it? Women are always to blame, you should know that.

I agree with you op. Saying someone was stolen relieves them of any responsibility. And the comments on Geri halliwell are laughable. The man publicly declared his previous relationship he was unhappy in and has subsequently tried to maintain a dignified silence. Trying to blame the woman is ridiculous. He's a grown up and able to make his own decisions.

Of course you can't literally "steal" a man or wife from their marriage. The unfaithful spouse has to consent to have the affair and will always bear moral responsibility for that.

However, given that it's totally normal for marriages to go through rocky patches, it's not rocket science to work out that a husband or wife may be far more likely to think of leaving or having an affair if somebody else appears in the middle of things, providing a shoulder to cry on and a feeling of being desirable elsewhere just at the moment when they feel most unappreciated and distant from their spouse. You can't steal someone, but you can tempt or seduce or interfere with them at a point where their relationship is at a low point instead of doing the supportive thing by staying the hell away while they sort out their relationship in private.

I don't think this is particularly gendered, either. It's the same for unfaithful husbands or wives, OM or OW.

Funny hoe Gerri Horner was single
*@Springiscoming123 That might just be one of the best relevant typos I've come across! grin

oh no ive just seen it,genuine typo

The cheater who is in a relationship is responsible for their actions, but being an OM/OW is a shitty way to behave.

LMAO at the idea of Christian Horner being like a poor little defences creature being chased by mean and relentless Geri until he was EXHAUSTED and had no strength left to defend himself from her advances.

He knew exactly what he was doing. They weren’t ‘thrown’ together through work and forced to see each other every day, he has plenty of people around him, if he didn’t want anything to do with her then she would not have been around. He liked having her around and so she was.

It’s just another way to blame women and absolve men. Poor dears, they couldn’t help it, the devil woman bewitched him with her poisonous sexuality. FFS.

It just goes to show that most people (men and women, married or not) are looking for a "better offer" and will take it if one is offered.

I had a client once whose husband had been avidly pursued by his junior partner at work - and he caved under the pressure.
Seriously? He caved under the pressure from the big bad woman who made him love her?

The Script is fed to both the wife and the OW. I think the men get to a point where they believe it themselves.

No, a person can’t be stolen but I certainly retain the right to think anyone who sets out to lure a married person to their bed is a wanker. I don’t buy all this wide-eyed ‘but why would you be angry with the OW, she didn’t owe you anything’.

I’d be angry because I’m a human not an automaton.

However, given that it's totally normal for marriages to go through rocky patches, it's not rocket science to work out that a husband or wife may be far more likely to think of leaving or having an affair if somebody else appears in the middle of things, providing a shoulder to cry on and a feeling of being desirable elsewhere just at the moment when they feel most unappreciated and distant from their spouse. You can't steal someone, but you can tempt or seduce or interfere with them at a point where their relationship is at a low point instead of doing the supportive thing by staying the hell away while they sort out their relationship in private.

I totally agree with this. If someone is married stay the fuck away from them, if they say they're separating but haven't moved out yet tell them to give you a call when they've moved out.

The only time it would be acceptable to me is if the ow/om** genuinely didn't know they were married, but that would mean they had been lied to massively and if they had any sense they would end the affair the minute they found out.

We, (women) are conditioned to blame other women for "stealing our man" rather than to blame the man. It buys into the idea that men are helpless slaves to their cocks. Seduced by man-eating women who set out to ruin marriages. Another lie sold to us by a society that is run by men, for men.

"maneater" is a phrase used a lot about women too that absolves men of blame and a phrase used a lot on MN is "his head has been turned" ( when there is suspicion of an OW).

Husbands are like cats imo. Happy at home while the focus is on them, and they really getting spoilt with offerings, sex for him +food for cat =until they are tempted away by a neighbour with tastier snacks (or friend /neighbour with tastier sexual appetite for the dh) nobody makes them go, they just have no willpower or sense of loyalty.

That is terribly sexist and dismissive of men, still ROFLed though :)

I think a lot of men (and probably some women, though it's men you mostly hear about) have an affair without thinking it through properly and just have their heads/dicks in the moment. That doesn't mean they are chattels to be "stolen" but it does mean it can be easy to tempt them to do something that's really not a good idea in the long run. Especially when relationships are difficult as Whyte said.

I know a woman who deliberately set out to "lure" men away from their wives/partners when they were at vulnerable points (e.g. wife working away). She sometimes succeeded and now has kids with her third attempt. So I do think some women do intend to "steal" a man but he can only be stolen if he goes along with it.

I do not believe someone happily in love with their DP will cheat

Oh they will. I know plenty of men who are happily married, no intention whatsoever to leave their wives and families. But they cheat, because the other woman is new and exciting. Your wife of 20 years can't compete with those aspects.

Of course, one could argue that men who want to have the fun and excitement of dating should not have married in the first place. And yes indeed they both want to have their cake and eat it. But the reason they cheat is not because there's something wrong with their relationship.

Many men do seem particularly easy to steal. They’re practically giving themselves away.

I agree, it removes the responsibility from the man (or sometimes woman). People can't be 'stolen', they make a choice.

When I was 13 my dad left for a much younger OW who'd kept her horses in our yard. My mum was beyond devastated, as she was nearly full term with a very unexpected pregnancy. The OW was a family friend, that my mum had helped and made feel part of our family. That well and truly bit her on the arse. My mum then tried to commit suicide, was sectioned and had to have a medical termination due to what she'd taken. The OW not only took my dad, she took my baby brother/sisters life and left my sister and I sofa surfing from relative to relative while my mum spent over a year in hospital. How I passed my O levels was a miracle. Mum's never been the same since, and spent another 10 years trying to beg my dad to come home. I was expected to be polite and pleasant to this OW when my dad came back into our lives many years later, and accept her as my stepmother. I can't say I shed many tears when she died of cancer aged 38. Karma? I hope so. And I know how bad that sounds.

I have a very low opinion of any woman who breaks a family apart in pursuit of her own happiness, as I do of any man who falls for their act. Both are equally culpable in my opinion.

Someone I know very well has been involved with two married men. I have an issue with becoming involved with someone who is already married/in a relationship and personally wouldn't do it after having been involved with an engaged guy and I haven't forgiven myself for what I feel I did to the girl
(I ended it pretty sharpish btw). However her stance is that it's the bloke who carries all the responsibility and if he chooses to keep seeing her then that's his problem to deal with and his choice. We have a slightly different moral compass in this respect. If my friend wasn't "available" then they wouldn't carry on with her (but probably some other person instead though, I guess).

To summarise, no one steals anyone else. Unless there is kidnap involved.

@JaneEyre70 Christ that sounds horrific. Did your DM ever recover or pursue other relationships?