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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husbands (or indeed wives) cannot be 'stolen'

139 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 26/01/2018 11:25

I was thinking about this earlier. Many many years ago I was married to a man I was wholly in love with, he destroyed our marriage by taking off with an OW. I of course went through the obvious emotions but can happily say I'm out the other side and we have somewhat of a cordial relationship these days. (Thankfully no dc and nothing else that required us to keep in touch).

However, I don't like to think that OW 'stole' my husband; as a self-governing autonomous individual he made his choice. He did later say that he regretted this as the grass apparently wasn't greener but that's not the point of this thread. I was thinking about Geri Horner and a lot of the discussion at the time of her being a 'husband stealer' similarly to the stories regarding Kristina Rihanoff.

I just don't buy the narrative that men somehow accidentally find themselves being subdued by seemingly exotic fruit and can't contain themselves.

I carry no resentment toward other-women and often feel sorry for them if they have fallen for 'the script' but the buck stops with one's husband. Regardless of the state of the marriage. He chose to break the vows and therein lies the issue.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/01/2018 19:51

I dont know why anyone would want someone who could treat their spouse so shitty. What makes the OW/OM so special to think they wouldnt get the same treatment?

But I agree, no one can be stolen, most of blame goes to the one who is in a commited relationship. Although, the OW/OM has exibited some pretty shit behaviour, who knows what lies they got fed and they become a victim of their own stupidity and naiveity.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2018 21:14

OhReally that is exactly what OW has done to us...she has employed my ex-h as a farm hand, pays him the minimum, maintenance reflects that. Their lifestyle though. How can anybody be such an utter cunt to do that to a child who is the victim of their decisions? Recently I did a blog for Gingerbread outlining this situation. They tried to get it written into a court order that the blog was removed so that my son didn't ever come across it...they claimed emotional damage to him...rather than reflection on them...so they KNOW.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/01/2018 21:24

Adults cannot be stolen,as difficult as it is to hear,they leave because they chose to
Men are not possessions who are spirited away.theyre adults who make choices (sometimes flawed)
But I also don’t believe the adulterous we couldn’t help it line.you can help it
Demonising other women as sexually beguiling with loose morals isn’t complete answer
Two adults are accountable for their actions, and the consequences on others

KungFuEric · 26/01/2018 21:46

I think there is a lot about expectations of what a happy relationship/marriage is.

Leaving a marriage isn't an easy decision to make, who enjoys something like phoning up their car insurance and having to make adminastrative changes? A divorce is the hassle of that times by a thousand, with the emotional battling and walking away with half the assets you had and double the outgoings. So people muddle on, and men particularly won't leave until they feel there's a port of harbour in another woman to jump in with.

Dontknowwherethelineis · 26/01/2018 22:31

Yanbu that the ow doesn't take the blame away from the husband as I completely agree that the person who cheats is to blame.
However, I have known at least one woman who specifically found men in relationships more attractive and enjoyed trying to lure them away from their girlfriends (we were in early twenties when we lived together and didn't have any married friends). It gave her a feeling of power and made her feel attractive. I dont think it would be inaccurate to describe her as a boyfriend stealer.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/01/2018 22:46

no.no one steals boyfriends. They go,willingly of own volition
Boyfriend stealer, how very dot cotton of you,do you drag on a fag as you say it

Reddlion · 26/01/2018 23:30

both are in the wrong but women should stick together

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 26/01/2018 23:34

Ah the myth of the sisterhood, that’s one the biggest pile of shite ever shuved onto women
No women should not stick together just because they’re women.what sentimental rot
Just like men shouldn’t stick together cause they’re men

windchimesabotage · 26/01/2018 23:38

YANBU id actually never blame the woman. Thats what those dickhead men want you to do so they dont have to take any responsibility for their behaviour. My friends ex is like this... serial cheater and yet all the women love him and hate each other. I cant stand it. He preys on younger more vulnerable naive women and then plays them off on each other.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/01/2018 00:33

Whilst people can’t be stolen it is shitty behaviour to actively pursue a married person.

Saying you think the OW/OM is a piece of shit doesn’t mean you can’t also think your husband/ wife is more of a shit.

You don’t just have to blame one person for an action that takes two people.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/01/2018 00:39

Ah the myth of the sisterhood, that’s one the biggest pile of shite ever shuved onto women
No women should not stick together just because they’re women.what sentimental rot
Just like men shouldn’t stick together cause they’re men

Myth of sisterhood perhaps but part and parcel of being a decent human being is not doing things that cause other people often children upset and trauma or upheaval.

It’s pretty much a forgone conclusion that fucking someone else’s wife/husband is highly likely to be harmful to others.
And you are just kidding yourself when sometime down the line you have to pretend you were helpless and your love couldn’t resist because it’s so special just to make yourself sound like less of a shit to yourself

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/01/2018 00:44

Being decent,and acting in an appropriate manner isn’t a sisterhood thing
It’s a behavioural demonstration of values,beliefs,culture.nothung to do with sisterhood

Koala72 · 27/01/2018 00:50

I am kind of with ChalkItdown on this one.

If I encounter a man and then find out he has a partner, of whatever state of relationship, with whom he lives, then that man is entirely off bounds. It is a code of honour, it is the fair way to behave.

Some women don't think like that. Some women meet, befriend, have cups of tea and glasses of wine with a woman pretty much just because they want to have that woman's husband/partner. Often they have a sense of entitlement - they judge themselves 'better' and therefore think they should have the guy. They also often clearly have a massive emotional/sexual problem, to my mind.

There ought to be some boundaries. We ought to be able to rely on decent, kind and fair behaviour from others. We all deserve respect.

Lalliella · 27/01/2018 00:50

YANBU OP. A man has his own mind, his free will. He and only he is to blame if he cheats.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/01/2018 00:54

Takes two to do the horizontal lambada so the man and woman are both to blame

RainyApril · 27/01/2018 06:04

Several posts on here about how men don't have affairs if they're happily married, and that the faithful spouse must be lying if they say they never saw it coming, because it's easier than admitting that they ignored the signs.

I think it must make people feel better, to think that, because it means it couldn't happen to them - they'd see the signs.

Read anything about the psychology of an affair and you'll learn that this is nonsense.

It's why men rarely leave for the ow, why they beg for forgiveness when the affair is discovered. Because they suddenly realise they weren't that unhappy after all, they just fancied sex with a different person, or the flattering undivided attention of a younger woman, or an injection of thrill and excitement that's hard to find in a long marriage.

I remember reading a study about the single biggest reason for men cheating. It wasn't being unhappy, it was having the opportunity to do so.

wtffgs · 27/01/2018 06:46

I agree.

Sadly, it seems to be part of the in-built misogyny to blame the "temptress" Hmm

X was unfaithful- his fault.

Would I sleep with a married man? No, because I would regard his willingness to be unfaithful as a major flaw.

Lethaldrizzle · 27/01/2018 07:01

I don't think people can be stolen but there are people out there who have no boundaries and are very persuasive. 'Dangerous liaisons' is all about the art of tempting someone out of a supposedly rock solid relationship.

diodati · 27/01/2018 07:09

Adult human beings are not objects and therefore cannot be stolen. Marrying someone doesn't mean ownership. It's a relationship based on trust and commitment.

123g · 27/01/2018 07:24

Having been through this recently I agree the husband / person in the relationship that is cheating is the one to blame- they have a choice! However I don't think the OW is blameless! In my case the OW knew hd was married with a young child and still messaged and pursued him! However i blame the STBXH for even going there! Me personally- I would never ever pursue or enter a relationship with Someone I knew to already be in a relationship- the fact that they would consider doing that to their current partner would be a major turn off for me and a quality that would completely put me off a person!

For those of you saying that men only leave an unhappy marriage and that the wife must know is a load of rubbish- granted my marriage wasn't perfect and we were at the time going through a lot - his loss of job/ new baby amongst other things (should have been a time we support each other and stick together imo). Whenever I addressed any issues with him he was the one saying how much the marriage and relationship meant to him, how he was so lucky to have me, how much he loved me etc etc whilst unbeknown to me he was having an affair!

NeverTwerkNaked · 27/01/2018 07:27

I agree with you but I do also think chasing after a married man is totally inexcusable. DP has a friend from a long time ago who is constantly posting comments on his Facebook/ sending him messages about how she misses him etc etc. He just ignores them, but she can see we are together and have a family so why does she think it is ok to do that?

differentnameforthis · 27/01/2018 07:38

but he was chased for a not insignificant length of time. he still had the free will to say no.

Petalflowers · 27/01/2018 07:39

I agree that the man is as guilty as the woman.

However, I think with Geri H it was the timing and speed of what happened. Christian was in a 14 year relationship with his ex which was kept private, away from the papers. He’s the head of a formula 1 team. She had a 6 month baby. As far as everyone was concerned, things were fine - no announcements in the paper of a troubled relationship etc.

Suddenly, Geri is on the scene. Because of their status, there’s bound to be photos, but with in a year or so, they were engaged and married. His parents refused to go the wedding which says something. Both parties acted poorly.

Pepperedbeef · 27/01/2018 07:42

I lost sympathy for Abby Cohen when she described Kristina Rhianoff as a “fucking Russian dancer”.

lifeandtheuniverse · 27/01/2018 08:07

Yes the husband wife who cheats is mainly fault but this absolving the OW/OM of blame guilt - absolutely no.

They both did the crime and they are both responsible for their actions.

As to Abby Cohen - i get why she said it. That woman, became the family friend, came into their house and played a big act with the kids. Yes her husband was guilty but the actions of the OW - as in this case are actually, calculated, cruel and so soul destroying for the person it is being done to. Unless you have been there and experienced the nastiness of the OW/OM then you do not understand.

Sadly been there, done that, brought the post card with the EX and the family friend.

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