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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husbands (or indeed wives) cannot be 'stolen'

139 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 26/01/2018 11:25

I was thinking about this earlier. Many many years ago I was married to a man I was wholly in love with, he destroyed our marriage by taking off with an OW. I of course went through the obvious emotions but can happily say I'm out the other side and we have somewhat of a cordial relationship these days. (Thankfully no dc and nothing else that required us to keep in touch).

However, I don't like to think that OW 'stole' my husband; as a self-governing autonomous individual he made his choice. He did later say that he regretted this as the grass apparently wasn't greener but that's not the point of this thread. I was thinking about Geri Horner and a lot of the discussion at the time of her being a 'husband stealer' similarly to the stories regarding Kristina Rihanoff.

I just don't buy the narrative that men somehow accidentally find themselves being subdued by seemingly exotic fruit and can't contain themselves.

I carry no resentment toward other-women and often feel sorry for them if they have fallen for 'the script' but the buck stops with one's husband. Regardless of the state of the marriage. He chose to break the vows and therein lies the issue.

OP posts:
HandbagKrabby · 26/01/2018 13:27

In my very limited experience of this, men prey on vulnerable women as opposed to the other way around. It suits the narrative that other women are not to be trusted bitches who’d tempt away your darling husband in an instant if you are not constantly vigilant, attending to his needs whilst putting other women in their place. Imagine if women banded together and rose above all this bullshit!

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2018 13:34

JaneEyre70 I am so sorry to read that, what a tragic story. I hope you've all managed to rebuild a little and that your mum has found some happiness again. The fallout from situations like this is utterly devastating and life changing. Certainly, I know I will never be the same person. The selfish actions of some are beyond comprehension and you have all truly paid the most tragic price Flowers

sirlee66 · 26/01/2018 14:17

I was on a night out with a friend a good few years ago now. We got talking to a group of blokes in the beer garden and the one who got her interest had a wedding ring on.

They seemed to be getting quite friendly over drinks so when we went in to the loos I said did she know he's married. She said 'yes, that makes its a challenge'

Literally felt sick.

Think they snogged. What a scumbag he was. Can't even believe she would go there knowing he was married. Makes me feel sick.

But actualy, it's really common for, especially young women, to chase a married man cause 'its a challenge'

I'm guessing it's a self esteem thing. Prove you're that desirable that you can bag a married man.

Me and this friend aren't friends anymore. Turns out we don't have much in common.

Eatalot · 26/01/2018 14:26

While I agree that spouse is at fault some ow arw highly maniplulative and get a thrill from affairs. I have an ex friend who was like this and went out of her way to make out she was the opposite of the wifes 'faults' when she was infact bat shit crazy. She spent a lot of her time dedicated to 'stealing' the husband.

JaneEyre70 · 26/01/2018 14:32

My mum lurched from one desperate relationship from another for many years as her self-esteem was non existent but luckily, about 12 years ago she met my lovely stepdad. He was such a kind thoughtful man that at first she didn't think she was worthy and kept on rejecting him but he held on in there and they're now very happily married and he adores mum. My dad has never settled - he blew about 50k on a russian prostitute woman he met online (he was 60, she was 19) and she hung around until the money went, funny that! He's now in his late 70s and has thankfully mellowed and we have a much better relationship though I dread him ever needing carers and may have to ban any woman under 50 going to him........... Blush. I don't think he has ever accepted any responsibility for what he put mum through, or my sister and I but you can't let these things ruin the future, it's bad enough they ruined the past.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2018 14:40

JaneEyre70 I am so pleased to read that, your mum (and you and your sister) deserved so much better. I have little sympathy for your dad, you reap what you sow in life. I imagine for him, acknowledging the destruction he caused, including the death of his own child, will not be an easy thing to do and thus probably better for him to pretend it never happened. You have been a truly exceptional daughter to have been able to get past that. I am not sure I could.

fannyanddick · 26/01/2018 14:47

I think in general the married cheater is most to blame. Because in most cases they either look to cheat or are open to cheating.

However I do think every situation is different and there probably are more rare cases where the om/w have relentlessly pursued or aimed to seduce and in those cases whilst the cheater is wrong and has given in to temptation, I could feel more sorry for them.

I also think for famous people/those who are often exposed to beautiful people throwing themselves their way, it must be much harder to remain monogamous than for those of us (most) who would have to go looking for it/only occasionally be tempted.

Original poster
VladmirsPoutine · 26/01/2018 14:56

@JaneEyre70 I'm not sure I'd come out of that sounding as level headed as you do. Would you say that experience has had any impact on you forming relationships? I was sort of just going along with things till I found out. Following that I was never the same again. I can't say that that is necessarily negative but I suppose sometimes some lessons are learned the hard way.

OP posts:
ChelleDawg2020 · 26/01/2018 15:20

"Stolen" means taking of property belonging to someone else with the intention of permanently depriving them of it.

I don't think a human being can be considered property these days, so no, a spouse cannot be "stolen".

TheNaze73 · 26/01/2018 15:31

I agree with ChelleDawg

Nobody is anyone’s property. And the OW/OM isn’t the one who’s committed.

Duchessgummybuns · 26/01/2018 17:44

The OW in my marriage was brought into my home by my husband and became close friends with me while fucking my husband... I only found this out around 6 months ago but up until then she was still sending me texts and coming to me for support if she was feeling ugly or had a bad day Hmm

I think the thing that upset me most is that she didn’t have the fucking decency to take him with her when she suddenly upped and left town (and therefore him, much to his disgust)... could have saved me another 4 years of marriage to a total craphound.

JaneEyre70 · 26/01/2018 17:51

I'm very lucky that my DH has given me my faith in men back again, I suppose but I'd be lying if I didn't say I've had issues over the years sadly. DH also come from a fractured family and we've both had the attitude that our children will never endure what we both did. Life is too short to hate, but sadly the victims of these stories are always the kids left behind and having to put a parent back together again regardless of who you blame for starting it.

IHaveBrilloHair · 26/01/2018 18:05

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you're married to a man who cheats on his wife.

I'd never go there, I think far too much of myself to be second best, or sharing, or waiting around.

SwarmOfCats · 26/01/2018 18:15

My ex-H left me for another woman after having an affair for months. He was to blame; not her. If he’d wanted to stay faithful he could have. Granted, at the time it was all going on, I fucking hated her...but once the raw emotions had subsided I realised that it wasn’t a particularly fair reaction! I think it’s easy to look for people to blame when you’re hurting.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2018 18:50

Duchess I'm sorry you went through that, it's bad enough "knowing" them, let alone them pretending to be your friend. Absolute sociopath.

As an aside, I still don't and NEVER will get this thing about "I don't blame her/him". Fuck that. If she/he KNEW the affair partner was married, had children etc, then of course they are to blame and the reason for this is cheating takes effort. It takes a lot of collaboration, lying, sneaking around, covering, so if you involve yourself with a married man/woman and you are complicit in that behaviour then you have to own it.

DancingOnRainbows · 26/01/2018 18:51

Anyone that says it happened out of the blue clearly wasnt reading the unhappy signals their partner was giving off. No communication

I'm not sure that's true. I don't think many people would assume their partner will go and cheat because things aren't currently fantastic.

BigBaboonBum · 26/01/2018 18:55

I think weak men can be easily lured off, most men I know (but I’m likely just unlucky in who I know) are opportunists, so they won’t cheat but if there is a big juicy steak offered to them on a plate they will definitely eat that steak but swear to god they are vegan and not admit it ever.

Both are cunts though

caringdenise009 · 26/01/2018 19:12

JaneEyre70 you and your husband sound amazing.your children are lucky to have you.

ClaryFray · 26/01/2018 19:17

People like to blame the women. This idea that men are powerless to the prowess of a women makes them feel less like there husbands are a cheating scrot.

Blaming someone else sometimes helps if your desperately trying to find a way to fix your marriage.

BestZebbie · 26/01/2018 19:17

I think there is also the complicating issue that as a rule of thumb, "men" don't tend to leave steady relationships in order to become single - they jump when the next girlfriend comes along. So actually, if someone is vaguely bored in their relationship they are unlikely to do much about it or leave, unless an OW turns up and makes herself clearly available, at which point they may find the motivation to decide to go. This is also the common and extremely harmful situation where the dumped spouse knows nothing about any marital discontent until the day the husband drains the joint bank accounts and moves in with the OW.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2018 19:19

DancingOnRainbows I agree with you. Certainly in my situation, things were tough, we were middle aged with a late incoming baby who was a nightmare (now diagnosed with autism so that was why). He couldn't cope, we had no sleep for 2.5 years. However, we still had sex, and indeed up until a few weeks before he left he was talking about the extension we were going to have on our house and the holiday we were going to book. His decision to leave was sudden and most definitely pressured (I know this from friends he confided in who later told me). I never assumed anything, I thought we were OK, had no clue. Still glad he's gone though!

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/01/2018 19:27

BestZebbie You've described what happened to me exactly.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 26/01/2018 19:30

I have a very low opinion of any woman who breaks a family apart in pursuit of her own happiness, as I do of any man who falls for their act. Both are equally culpable in my opinion

This. With knobs on. I don’t believe my ex was stolen by the ow. He went of his own accord. I also accept our marriage wasn’t perfect. Only he could tell you if it was worth it. And you’re all right, she owed me nothing.

But when push comes to shove, she owed it to herself to have some self-respect and pursue someone free to give the life she wanted. Instead, she had her third affair with a man she thought would pay her way, put her children through private school, and pay for 48 weeks holiday a year. She got what she deserved - a liar and a cheat who hated her more than he hated me. The lies he told me had nothing on those he told her. She also owed it to the man she said she loved to respect his children. Instead she hit them, ignored them, used her professional status to reduce his income to nothing to help,avoid maintenance whilst she drew a wage for a job she didn’t do. They deserved each other. He left her in the end. I mean, literally left her. He moved across the country overnight to be near his children after work one evening, hasn’t seen her since. Karma.

WhooooAmI24601 · 26/01/2018 19:32

But actualy, it's really common for, especially young women, to chase a married man cause 'its a challenge'

I'm guessing it's a self esteem thing. Prove you're that desirable that you can bag a married man.

I don't think it's exclusive to young women. Lots of people in lots of categories do this. As a young woman it wouldn't ever have occurred to me to do something like that, nor my friends. Plenty of men on nights out have approached our group and smiled and said "I don't mind" when informed that we're married. Anyone can be a shit.

WhooooAmI24601 · 26/01/2018 19:35

I have a very low opinion of any woman who breaks a family apart in pursuit of her own happiness, as I do of any man who falls for their act. Both are equally culpable in my opinion

This is one of the best things on this thread. Absolutely spot-on.

Nobody can be stolen. Nobody can be taken. If you're committed and loyal to your marriage nobody can tempt you away from it. The reason people cheat is because they put their own selfish needs above the needs of their partner and relationship.