To think that this should be the norm...

[JackmanAdmirer]

We plan to set our DC up for their adult life, we plan to help pay for them at uni if they go, or an apprenticeship, any education they want to do really and classes and skills such as musical instruments, sports, languages etc whilst growing up, we plan to pay for driving lessons and buy their first cars, we plan to pay at least half of their weddings, we plan on helping them with a deposit to buy a house in their early 20's.

We see this as helping our kids when they need it most - however there will be no money for them (except funeral expenses) when we die.
Generally speaking, people who lose their parents are middle aged and comfortable enough so don't need the money.

People keep saying this is spoiling our dc but I don't see that at all, I see it as setting them up for a good life without the huge crippling money worries that both DH and I went through in our 20's and early 30's.

Aibu that this really should be the normal way of providing for your kids instead of leaving them money when you die?

This sounds like a recipe for entitled kids with no understanding of the value of money. I personally think this approach is doing them no favours at all.

So you already have some children, but plan to save for them...?

Given the grabby posts on inheritance I've seen, I can see the benefits in ditching all that.

I'll happily support education costs and driving lessons as see them as a standard part of parenting but don't intend to pay for weddings as see them as a huge waste of money that could be used for a house deposit. If they want a big party or matching table favours, they can self fund it.

I'm unsure of the house deposit, it would depend on many factors. Whether they worked hard to get on the housing ladder themselves or had wasted money or made other financial choices such as not working, having children etc.

I want children that can self support though as adults, not children so entitled that they think the bank of mum and dad should provide everything. There seem to be a lot of people who think life should be handed to them on a plate.

I thought you had teenagers now the way you’re talking. Especially the jobs at 16 thing.

By all means have your plans but don’t set them in concrete. Our kids rarely follow the pictures we have in our heads and life sometimes knocks you on your arse.

But plan away by all means though. Good luck.

No I get what you are saying, we intend to do similar ish things, when DD is old enough to drive, we will finance her first car, but she will need to pay her insurance after the first year,
We will do all we can to support her through university, though in all honesty we haven’t given it much thought as to what we could do, or even if it would be her desire! She seems quite Keen on following DH into construction management when she’s older, which to be honest I can’t see much wrong with, the construction industry has been good to DH and has actually been a solid career choice seeing as he earns in the region of £70k a year without the debt of having been to university,

When she gets married we will gift an amount towards her wedding, probably 5-10k

We hope to be able to give her a cash lump sum when she wants to buy a house, but we are really hoping that she wants to stay home and save until she’s in her 20s to allow us to do this.

I want to make DDs life easier by giving a helping hand in every step of her life, but I’m by no means wanting to give her a belief everything will be handed to her. I’ve seen far too many people get too much from their parents and end up entitled twits who believe it’s really that easy for everyone.

I just want her to know that with hard work, meticulous planning and some help that it’s going to be possible. I can’t for one minute really understand how hard it’s going to be in 15+ years time, I’m concerned without the help her spirit is going to get broken.

Not everyone is in the same position though. And I don’t think we should judge those who can’t give the same to their children.

We paid for our own wedding and for our own first house deposit, my Mum and Dad could have given us the lot but I would have thought that a bit weird and would have said no as we could easily afford it ourselves.

Hmm, even in very cheap northern village I recently moved out of, you couldn't rent much for £400pcm. My rent for a 1 bed apartment on the edge of a slightly nicer village was more than that, 16 years ago!

Well we pay for our children's education, including music/sporting costs, and I imagine we'll pay for driving lessons as a 17th birthday present. Won't be buying them a car, but will insure them on ours. Won't be paying their uni fees, but will pay necessary parental contributions. Hopefully this will set them up so that they're in a position to earn well, and pay for their own deposts/weddings. Would probably help them if needed, though. All being well, we'll pay all this out of income though, so assuming it doesn't all get eaten up by care home fees etc, we should still be able to pass on a fair amount as an inheritance. I certainly won't be handing everything over to my children and living hand to mouth in my retirement. My expectation is certainly that my children will work to support themselves and not expect us to hand them everything on a plate.

I think the norm should be to bend over backwards to do whatever you can for your DC. For different people that will mean different things, helping financially is just one way, some people can’t, they are struggling to put food on the table. Others it might be providing substantial emotional support, some might allow kids to live at home as long as possible, career guidance, providing contacts, providing childcare, helping with homework, being a solid dependable shoulder to cry on. None of this is spoiling your child, it’s being a parent. We’re lucky and maxing out our DS child Isa every year not everyone can afford this, it’s likely we’ll divert some inheritance from grandparents his way too. He knows he’ll always have a home with us if he needs it. Like every parent though we can only do the best with what resources are acilable